reborn on the 4th July

What a fantastic day my daughter came running in to my bedroom so excited so she should be its her birthday 8 today goin on 18 ! Can't believe 8 years has passed it felt so good for the 1st thoughts on my mind were for her and not how much I lost the day b4 not to av that sick feeling inside , my first gamble free birthday for her and many more to come like I av said b4 I don't want her growing up thinkin her dad is a gambler a loser with no money always watching sport not paying her no attention , fortunately I av always had a good relationship with my daughter I always took her to playgroup took her to play areas cinema every night it was me who read her a story .why ? Only my ex knows that all I can say that was one of the benefits of us splitting she now has a better

relationship with her and to be fair to both of us our daughter has had little effect on us splitting , we get on reasonably well but divorce is looming and it's what I want not lookin forward to the messy side which it will get I am gonna av to stand strong I av to all the dark corners I av been in the last 2 year's where the demons av find me and lured me into those awful places to hide all the pain and misery

No more I will be strong

Hi

These are the days that show how we can make a difference by different. Try not to dwell to much on the past , it is exactly that the past, focus on the future which for your fairy loving daughter looks bright.

You sound like a great dad, take pride in that there are many dads out there who have never gambled but are st***t as a parent.

Sprinkling a little fairy dust , to add to the celebrations.

Dusty xx

Thx for popping in on my diary again castle2. The moments you describe with your daughter - in particular the guilt free abandon that you can celebrate with her - is magical ro read. Really happy for you both.

Good luck with the divorce matey. Life is for the living and it's reassuring to read that you are taking control and living your life by making the right decisions for you.

Best wishes

Well my daughter had a fantastic day never knew one little girl cud get so many presents , what made my day was when I picked her up from school a poet had been in school all day and was selling books for 3 quid and was wanting one of course I gave her the money which made me feel proud of myself as the amount of times I stopped off at the bookies and went to the school pennyless so realistically if I was still gambling I would av let her down

I will never let her down again

Hi

So fantastic to hear you had a great day with your daughter.

When you get those urges , or that demon telling you a £10 will not make any difference you are now in control. Remember this day , and focus on her 9 th birthday. How wonderful it will be to still be gambling free then.

You can do it, just keep your eye on the prize.

Sleep well you deserve it.

Dusty

Not had one second to myself today started work at 6 when I finished had to dash to my daughter birthday party when that finished took her and her two friends to macDonalds how anybody with 3 girls copes I av no idea one minute friends next minute fall out then tears all over nothin then dropped them off home a drama in itself saying goodbyes like they will never see each other again just got back home now and ready to drop the day has gone so fast so on the positive side not even a thought bout gambling all day which is good for a Saturday ,gonna chill now and see what tomorrow brings

castle2,

I find your diary to be a very honest read. Your progress is exceptional. We share a determination and desire to never gamble again and share the same path in search of a better life and I think we are both experiencing that already. As you know we must never become complacent. I was sure I had this beat just before Christmas and became complacent. I think we both learn from mistakes and become stronger next time. Personally, I was ready to stop. My body was tired and my mind was tired.

You are dong great.

Tomso.

Sunday flew by worked half a day had my daughter in afternoon she left bout half six was so tired just falling asleep gave up bout nine and went to bed not one thought for gambling , 5 weeks today since my last bet and it's starting to get easier for the last 2 weeks I av had very few urges the ones I av had were brushed aside lookin forward the next tests will be a week off work at the end of march which I know I will need to plan but whilst working I av now planned my weeks and time and if honest I av made it so I don't get time to think bout gambling or is it that my recovery is goin better than I expected, I gave a lot of thought to what is next mentioned by that thoughtful fairy dusty on her diary , when what why and if , for me need to get divorce out of the way that worries me all the stress that will go with it so for now I am staying very close to this site it has helped me so much keeps me from been complacent I I think that's what scares me the most letting my guard down and I know on here I won't , all I really know is today I won't gamble

Castle2,

Makes me happy to read your diary. What a difference five weeks makes. You are an example to everyone. What makes it all better for me reading is that I can see you have worked for this, you have changed things in your life and now you are starting to benefit from you careful planning and hard work. That is what life is all about you get back what you put in. This is how it should be. This is how I used to be. I would work hard for everything I ever got. Now I am working hard to getting back to the type of person I used to be. You are a shining example of what can be achieved with hard graft and the desire to succeed.

Tomso.

Another day goes by still feel so strong my mindset is in the zone I just cannot think of any reason why I would want to gamble I av no desire or urges but when and if they come I will fight them I am ready for them , it's been a really good couple of weeks long may it continue still taking it a day at a time and today has been a good day hopefully tomorrow will be as well

Not got a lot to say today if I'm honest I am gettin more out of posting on other diaries and wanting to try help more whether that's cos I feel in control at the moment I don't know I know I will never be complacent again and that's through fear of relapsing I never want to go there again I definitely think for me relapsing was the best thing that could av happened I av learned so much from it , but still takin it a day at a time

And today I did not gamble

Hey castle2.

"I am gettin more out of posting on other diaries and wanting to try help more". I believe this is a totally cool thing to do. There are some addicts who become completely self-absorbed by their mess / situation / life to the point where they are unable to consider anyone else's feelings or needs other than their own. Offering support to others has benefits to everyone and I know your input already has been and will be well-received so knock yourself out 🙂

Completely appreciate the last sentence in your post. Sometimes, we've gotta hit rock bottom before we can really smell the coffee. I hope that we can both use that experience to be stronger and start enjoying life again mate.

Cheers for your continued support.

Hi Castle

Thanks for writing on my diary, I am like yourself in forties (41), let's go forward from this disease and have a happy life.

Paul

So pleased I am off today woke up aching all over there's a bit of a bug goin round like most of us hate been ill only had one week sickness and a 3 day sickness they were all for hospital ops one for wisdom teeth out and other for my knee , with my knee op I now can't run anymore which was my passion to just run and clear my head was bliss mainly clearing it through what money I had lost and thinkin of a plan how to get through to pay day redoing my loan overdraft on my account applying for a visa card when somehow I had released moment I just simply gambled again trying to win back what I had lost lookin for the big win , don't really know for me if I hit rock bottom but I knew I had to stop or the possibility of an early grave loomed I really cud not see a way out if I carried on gambling , admitting the problem was the hardest why I never realised in the last 26 year's I will never know that for me was the turning point in my life accepting my losses was another I av only told 5 people one a doctor another a council then my sister and finally two good friends they all understood I will tell others when I'm ready esp my parents but I need to be ready and fully in control of that talk if I told them now the first thing they would say is av u still got that 4 grand we gave u which haven't blew half on gambling but av used the other half to get my life back on track , would they understand the answer is no it would then move on to u stupid idiot and so on , this I do not need what I want is ok how can we help listen and try to understand . I do really appreciate the money they gave me but it's not bout that I just want support which if I'm honest that with love I never av had from them all my life , so that's my dilemma tellin them bout gambling but more importantly tellin them how I feel they are both in their seventies and don't want them to think they've been bad parents cos they would help me financially , I have to take some blame like with my wife should say something instead of letting it build up , . Am determine to do it though and tell them everything just need to choose my words carefully .

To think I didn't really av anything to post of much note I av just gone on and on , all I know for now is that today I will not gamble and that I am sure of

Getting closure on stuff can be really important for some people castle. A successful outcome depends on whether bringing up everything is right for everyone and, as you say, finding the right words.

Unfortunately, having 'that discussion' with my folks didn't work. I'm learning that being a better son has the same result that I'd hoped for. My folks were too old to accept my memories of my childhood.

You're doing great and it's always interesting reading your diary. Hope you have a great weekend.