Recovery *

You do like a bit of Emeli! It is actually one of my fav songs by her... that's when you feeeel my kindddda luuuuuuv

How you getting on? Any more dancing? I've been listening to that Maroon 5 - Don't Wanna Know tunnnnnne! Keep going!

Where you at i will save myself?

HI change, where am I at is a very good question. I hope you are feeling okay ? Me I have no idea where Im at as so much going on behind the scenes and PTSD in its worst form. Not sleeping. Braved it out to asda late evening, panicking in the aisles feeling faint but fookkkk I need to try it. Have to se the funny side as the christmas songs were blaring out like acid disco and I blame that for that odd purchases I made 🙂

I would be a liar if I said was totally clean. My finances handed over but when you need to escpape it odd what lengths we go to.

I have not given up, more trying to find some fricken balance to the fear, nightmares and isolation I build.

This is a bad time of year for me. This one has massive changes, I have been drinking more.

Crazy I used to be able to have a glass of wine and be mashed and half a bottle or more drip treatment lol

Not sure where I am. No decorations up I dont want them. I will put them up when I feel happy again

conclusion is coming, whilst protracted and I may not be an angel in recovery but ..... I dont know

Someone wrote about the great feeling about not gambling is feeling real again. I find that too painful.

I lost the man I have only ever loved through this addiction/escapism. Years ago now

I rambling sorry

Hi I will save myself, are you still saving yourself? Let's focus on the future. The past is a demon that you need to shake off. Come and join us on Mixer's thread for 100 day challenge. Let's get posting every day. I want to hear more from you. Get some tunnnes on and let's beat the past and win in the future. You up for it or what? No time like the present. See you soon.

I have been MIA, but with good reason diary. My case won, I am in the middle of who am i. I feel certain that others who have been through some awful times will resonate. I want to grow, share a little more of me

I had a few but small slip ups since I last posted but with no control of finances it has not been as horrific if I had.

However I have a strange feelinging, almost clean, not felt that way for years !

I have still read this site everyday, just not had the mind space to type.

I hope you are all well and feeling strong, and if not let me see If I can help.

Head still running, I feel the need to type more. After well over 30 years of gambling, god I hate that word

I have lost hundreds of thousands, at most 10k in 1 day and 78k in 8 months

spent from 9am to 10pm, oh jesus its not easy when you write it down

what an ugly addiction. one I note a lot of others posters have had a traumatic trigger

or used as a form of escapism. Not all as we are all different but quite a few.

Lost relationships, time.... worse much worse than losing money

I have continued to gamble all these years to escape. When you stop its frightening, well thats how I feel.

hi i will save myself,seems like alot of people here have a social sort of anxiety or anxiety of one form or another so dont feel bad.and yeah seems that gambling was a go to to escape what ever problem there maybe! have an arguement go gamble low on money go gamble have a bit more money go gamble its our go to for pretty much any scenario untill we wake up and realise weve not won weve only lost one way or another.

but for us all here now we are the winners its the others im feeling sorry for now who cant accept it or wont accept they have a problem we suffer but will get through this theyre still out there suffering in silence alone with noone to talk to.its a shame really.

New year, court over. New start. Feeling better and free from addiction but it is a battle still

So pleased to see the case is over hopefully this will allow you to move on and maybe find some closure. I'm not saying it will be easy so keep working at it and keep saving yourself x

Thank you for your kind words KTF. It is not easy but I am working on freedom after all these years.

Having to keep myself restrained from gambling, its very hard not to relapse and escape but as we all know

there is always a dreadful price to pay.

Thank you for sharing....I'm like you, I gamble to escape far to many demons and when I'm not gambling that's when the demons are worse but I'm learning I have to let go.... Where is the escape...Certainly not in the deep dark hole that gambling always brings...I know now that in order for me to live...I cannot gamble, I look at it as a choice now, my choice... And just for today I CHOOSE not to gamble, just for today I choose LIFE.

Keep posting....

M x

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Thank you for your input on my diary. I will head over to yours to keep reading and I am glad you finally made a diary.

I can not sleep. Not unusual. I normally dont for days then feel so ill I do sleep. Hoping this will start and ease.

I guess I still need to take in the closure of my case. It is taking time. I was dancing to my own disco all happy

then suddenly burst into tears from nowhere and they wouldnt stop. I had to mop the floor after as I literally cried a pool

of water.

I have no escape, as I have not got the triangle to gamble. Good but this is not easy.

I find the reality of my space odd as I am changing inside. To what I do not know yet but I guess

in time it will make sense.

I feel like someone has woke me from a coma. All these years lost. I am a good looking girl, a kind and giving heart

yet I have not dated for years. I think I am lonely inside but way too frightened to be thinking of meeting anyone yet

as I am vulnerable in the wrong hands.

Gambling for me was escape and self harm.

I have loved Mr G above everything that has meant anything to me. He is abusive and plays games.

Builds you up and can cut you down within hours.

I have let Mr G go. I miss him but I can no longer allow myself to go back.

I am waffling on

Morning, just caught up on your journey and happy to see you seem in a much better place then when you first came here. Getting closure and going back over past hurts is painful and tearful but it's what we have to do in order to find ourselves and be at peace with ourselves. Each day you get through not gambling your winning, stay strong and positive x best wishes x

Thank you anon100

I had a blip today. A large sum of money was in my account. I wont say how I did it as it could give others ideas.

I stopped , thought and told my sister who made it imposssible to carry on. I needed that.

I was on a mad mental trip but I stopped.

£3k damage

could have been in 5 or 6 figures

Was feeling ashamed but got a grip.... Is that not what I have always felt !

I did not deserve what happened, I am not a child anymore but anyone who has been abused

in the most extreme fashion as a child will know.

I am safe now, money out of my reach.

I called my therapist and he said that he often comes across survivors having difficulty

with money recieved... its like dirty money

There filth, is a reward.... wont make up for my lifes course.

One slip, but I will not give up my life