Regaining control after slip

Hi

I'm back, deeper in debt, no lessons learned - really need to stop this NOW. The last time I abstained for 204 days and it has been getting progressively worse - we are now 4 days from Xmas and i've blown the lot!

At least the kids presents are sorted but this life just gets worse and worse and worse. Slept for about 3 hours in the last 4 days and generally at another low ebb

God I hate this s**t

Take Care

Blues

Blues,

I've often wondered how you were getting on.I check in here every few days but appears as though I just missed you.

Those debts need to be repaid. I used to think of it as fake money or not real.. it definitely is real and painful now.

How's the family doing?

Brian

Hi Brian

Thanks for the message, means a hell of a lot at this moment in time. Family are doing great, they are sheltered from what I have been up to, although my wife has certainly noticed a change in my behaviour over the last couple of weeks as she is asking more questions, where have you been, where are you going etc so I need to get back to basics so that I dont completely blow her trust.

The usual cycle has ensued - thought I had it beat, few 'meaningless' bets, few more - odd occasion where i spent a little too much, to this week where i was blowing stupid amounts on stupid events as my cash flow crisis got progressively worse. Had I stopped this time last week (when I thought things were bad) money was realtively ok (although I couldnt see that at the time). Now I'm in a big big hole and worried sick about anything coming out so close to Xmas and ruining it for everyone. If I can cover it until Jan, I will be fine, I have no access to funds which is absolutely great. I need to get my head down, cut out ALL pleaseures in life for the next 4 or 5 months and things should be ok. By pleasures, I mean playing football, drinking, takeaways etc - Gambling is not a pleasure it is the curse of the poor man thinking that everything in life revolves around money.

Back to basics it has to be....

How are you getting on?

Take Care and thanks again.

Blues

no shame blues mate.i too often wondered how you were.at least you ve acknowledged it and maybes get back into full swing with your recovery again.there are many positive determined diaries out there at the minute.get back to your dailly reading and posting mate..it worked well for you before and can do so again. best wishes you CAN do it mate.

Blues,

I'm doing grand. Every now and then gambling raises its ugly head but I've been able to fend it off. The further I travel, the more I see my previous gambling existence as being pointless. Yes, I enjoyed it but it gave me unlimited stress and thats a disaster over a couple of decades.

My missus used to say to me that I need those 'pleasures' you refer to me. I spent ages trying to beat myself up and to cut out everything. Turns out I'm managing to cut out all the discretionary stuff but the odd game of football or game of golf is really important for the soul.

Like wp said, direct that energy towards these pages and get that posting up and running. It was a large part of your 204 day success, so why not try it again?

Happy Christmas,

Brian

Thanks for the kind words from some old friends - they mean a lot to me in my continued battle.

Lets talk about yesterday, I woke up in the morning feeling sick to the pit of my stomach, you see on Tuesday night, after loosing money that is not mine, I proceeded to sink copious amounts of booze, not harming anyone as I waited until my family were tucked up in bed. Then after an hour or so of drinking, things didnt seem too bad, sure something will turn up - dont worry about it and enjoy Xmas.

Then of course, I didnt sleep well on Tuesday night (understatement, about 45 minutes!) and woke up yesterday with the fresh reailty of what I had done and a bit of a hangover!

You know that feeling when you wake up and for 2 or 3 seconds, everything is fine, then BANG, your guts spill out as you realise the destruction caused the day before. For me, the amount was huge as its cash i simply dont have for other it may seem trivial (less than 1000), but being a CG / Addict / Ill whatever you want to call it isn't about feeling remorse when you have lost money, it's about feeling bad when you realise you cant cover your tracks anymore.

So I come in to work, two people said 'Jesus, were you out last night' and I had to lie and say no the kids were up during the night and didnt get much kip, nothing wrong with that, I was hardly going to say 'yes, i had 12 / 14 cans of lager and lost me b*llo* in the bookies'!

I then applied for a loan with a company that I already have a loan with, fully expecting to be declined. Guess what happened, they accepted, and its not one of these extortionate payday loans, just a regular loan. So again, somehow I have managed to cover my tracks and am fully determined to start afresh this time

Slept a little better last night, getting 4 hours, safe i the knowledge that I AM STARTING AGAIN, ODAAT, even an hour at a time if needs be. I'm not going to set unrealistic targets, but would like to think that if, no WHEN, I make 204 days this time, I can step back and learn from what has happened last time and even if I make 205 days, that means over 6 months of stress free life for me.

Thanks so much for reading, had to get it all down. I also spent three hours this morning (3am to 6am!) reading these diaries and it's sad to see so many people struggling. Also bearing in mind that those of us who post on here are a small % of CG's, there are lots more out there.

Also spent time reading partners of CG stories and the stress and worry they must go through is immense and that is why I'm gonna make life better not only for me, but for my wife and family too

Take Care

Blues

Today is day 2 by the way 😉

Well, today is day 3 and i'm absolutely delighted that a lot fo the bookies seem to be closed today, removing any temptation. Then of course we have two days of none gambling - which again is fantastic - I feel my first big test will be boxing day/Stephens day as that is chokka with sporting events. Fortunately, we are out for mid afternoon dinner at an in laws and this suits me fine - I need to get over this initial stage, and from my past experiences, it gets easier with time, then I slip into complacent mode, that is when I need to be fully aware of my actions,

Anyway, onto day 3, feeling strong

Take Care

Blues

Managed to stay off it until yesterday, where i blew more money I dont have - best advice i've given on here is brush yourself down and start again....

Day 1 - AGAIN!

Just need to drop in again, if i ramble then I apologise.

This is day one as I say and it isnt easy, the urge to try to win back my losses is hge but I am determined to go straight home, not stopping once. I need to stop you see because I may have gone too far and lose my family if this comes out in the wash.

It can't happen, what a shi* start to 2012 - same as 2010, at least last year I had a great Xmas as I wasn't gambling and managed so long - I am going to really try this time.

Does anyone else feel absolutely sick watching sport after a spell of huge losses? I automatically turned on ** *** news this morning and just wanted to smash the TV in. I want to enjoy sport for what it is (i've said that before), watch a game without thinking of odds (said that before) have no skeletons in the closet (said that before) - jesus I hate the whole charade - taking a step back - there were times I was 'well up' over Xmas that would have had me relatively 'out of the woods'. But I kept going looking for more more more and BANG - all fell apart (as has happened a million times before)

I REALLY REALLY HATE GAMBLING AND THE BLOOD SUCKERS THAT RUN THE INDUSTRY. The think if they stick a few gamcare stickers around the shop that there bit is done - ITS ALL ABOUT GETTING MY AND YOUR MONEY IN THEIR FAT POCKETS. They dont care if we are sleeping in a box, they dont care if we dont eat, they dont care if we commit suicide - PROFIT, the GREEDY GREEDY B**tards

Good to get that out in the open, now for the drive home and lock myself in the house

Take Care

Blues

Hi mate,

Never has a truer word been said on this forum. I, of course, am referring to your paragraph starting with "I REALLY REALLY..."

Gambling establishments = values and morals in life

How about the above statement being the worst equation ever seen?

Now then mate, please also remember to look after number one and that's yourself. You have got this rant out in the open and we are all here to listen (and agree totally!) but please don't let this get to you.

You have values in life.

You have morals in life.

Some people don't.

And that's what's important.

Stay very strong and very positive - you CAN beat this madness!

GT

Hi GT,

Thanks for your comments and good to hear from an old friend.

Yes, my last post came from deep within my heart and when I woke this morning, I have a new vigour that i'm sure will help me. I just cannot get the deep hatred inside of me to subside, the hatred for all things gambling. I know the only way for me is ODAAT.

I need to keep thinking back to the good times last year when I was free of its ***** fro nearly 8 months...I was happy, but there was something missing and I guess I need to accept that gambling is always a temptation for me. In fact, I accepted that a long time ago, but need to acknowledge it when it rears its pig ugly head!

I have been visiting this site regulary for two reasons. 1) to see how my old frinds are doing and its good to see so many still fighting this d**n hard war/battle. The second is that I know I am a CG and visit hoping that my addled mind will see some sense, today it seems to have.

Every day we dont gamble is a massive achievement and I need to recognise that again, as I dont think we give ourselves enough credit when we go 24 hours without placing a bet.

I do have values and morals you are right - if I didnt I would be homeless, jobless, stealing and gambling to feed my addiction.

I have children I need to raise, a wife whose life I need to make as happy as I can, parents who give me unconditional love and friends who are there for me at all times.

Today is day 2, ODAAT

Take Care and thanks again,

Blues

Justa quick update this morning, yesterday passed without me going near a bookies, or placing a bet, so a gamble free day and a massive pat on the back to everyone else who achieved the same.

Onto Day 3 today and I no longer want to kick this habit - I NEED TO...

Take Care

Blues

small steps is all it takes blues,im following your progress.

keep going mate you know you can do it 😉

Cheers wp, mind is still playing tricks, willing me on to place a bet to recoup my losses but i'm wise to it for today - not going to happen.

On Sunday of last week I walked into the bookies and within 15 minutes had doubled my money (quite substantial), 45 minutes later I was taking money out of the atm that was there to pay a direct debit and of course, lost it all.

So i'm trying to say that any NON-CG, wold have walked when they realised 100% profit on their initial stake, whereas I wasnt happy until i'd blown my disposibal income AND money i didnt have

WORLD OF MADNESS STOPS FOR TODAY

Take Care

Blues