Regaining control after slip

Keep remembering how you felt during those 8 months gamble free.

I still have vivid memories of the last calendar year that I spent gamble free, 2000.

And that's why I am so desperate to repeat this in 2012.

Keep the strength up and think of your kids.

GT

Thanks GT - support greatly appreciated as always.

Well what a struggle the drive home was last night. I had quite a few bob with me as I had to call into the bank. I got to the bank no problem and did my business with a HUGE feeling of relief as I walked out. I still, however, had a realtively small amount left in my pocket (less than £20) and my mind then proceeded to try to 'reward' me for not blowing the cash I had just paid into the bank.

I got in the car and drove home and sat outside a regular haunt of mine just watching people come and go - in my heart I knew i wasn't going in, but I kind of sat there hoping my head would convince me otherwise. Anyway abot 15 minutes of this and I started the car and drove home - proud and elated but wondering why I didnt go straight home in the first place - weird!

Anyway, onto day 4 today and I have left the house with just enough money for some food later and will go straight home this evening

Take Care and hope you all stay gamble free for today

Blues

Hi

No gambling over the weekend which is a massive achivement for me. Plenty of opportunities to do so if i so desired but no real urges. Plenty of gambling thoughts but really pleased that today is day 7 and I still really hate the gambling industry and everything it stands for.

I'm contemplating self exclusion, but embarrasment is stopping me doing it - also the fact that I could walk in the bookies and then be tempted to place a bet instead of self excluding

Does anyone know how self exclusion works? Is it filling in long forms etc or can it be done by email?

Thanks

Onto day 7 - need to concentrate on getting my short term debt cleared over the next 5 or 6 weeks

Take Care

Blues

Blues,

It is great to see you at this point. It is difficult but its pain that you must go through before you make it out the other side. Stick with it... no matter what. You will think that you're going insane and your mind will play all the tricks.. I'm preaching to the converted because you've done more than 200 days before. Just remember not to listen to those thoughts that tell you that gambling is OK. One day at a time.

re self exclusion. They have a form which you need to bring in photos for. I went into my local bookies and self excluded. I didn't have the money to get two photos so I never filled in the form. I know the embarassment of going back into the shop is enough for me though. I found the whole thing brilliant. I was very nervous going in... these guys had known me for years and we chatted about lots of stuff. Whilst I was nervous going in, I was skipping with joy coming out. Something so easy was so liberating. Try it. They understood... sure they knew already.

Great to see you back using these diaries.

Best of Strength to you,

Brian

Just need to make an entry - strange mixture of feelings at the minute. I know that I do not want to place a bet, and know that I wont, as i'm at home today and will not venture out of the house, yet my mind is trying to convert my last £20 into £60!!! How the hell does that work in an otherwise sane persons mind?

Just wanted to enter this on my diary and re: self exclusion, I guess i need to let go of the embarrasment and bite the bullet - as you say, they probably already know anyway - given the sullen look on my face as i blow more money i dont have and trying to think of desperate ways to cover up.

MADNESS - 15 years ago i was sucha happy go lucky chap and gambling has ruined me and will never be repaired again - all i can do is stop for today and see what tomorrow brings

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues

I am new on the site, and part of my 'therapy' has been reading other folks' stories - including yours. I went right back to Aug 2010 and read through your 204 days, and then how you have been getting on since. I understand the rollercoaster that you describe (I am much more a binge person than an every day - I have gone months without a single bet until...), and going back to the past and reading forward in your case helped me see the path that you have walked, that I have walked, and that could be in front of both of us again. Thanks.

I said elsewhere that Einstein defined insanity as repeating the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. There are lots of intelligent people on here, yourself included and hopefully me too, who even so would easily fit that definition of madness. Staying away from gambling is slowly recovering our sanity.

I looked back to the very first pages you wrote on here. Now today, the next page, never mind the last page, has not been written yet mate - what would you like it to say? What would Blues of 2015 like to look back and read about his own diary entry from Jan 2011, May 2012, June 2013...? I know what I would like it to say, but the author is you, not me - it is in your own hands to be able to write what you would later want to read, with strengh, courage and the support of your wife and all who care about you.

All the best

Jake23

Yeah all true Jake23 and thanks for the comments. I certainly know what I would like to read, the thing is when I have tried to quit before, i;ve been so focused on hitting 100 days, 1000 days, but I have now come to realise that its not about that. If we simply stay gamble free for today, that is all that matters. Adding pressure by claiming we want to reach these targets is, in my humble opinion, unnecessary. My brother once said to me that intelligent, creative people tend to fit the bill as traits for addicts and I kind of know what he means.

You are also on this journey and I hope that you come through today, bet free, then start tomorrow as a fresh challenge and the rest will follow naturally mate

Take Care

Blues

Pleased to say today is day 8 since the physical madness of handing over my money to a complete stranger, stopped. The mental madness has been there all week and will be for a while longer, past experience tells me it does subside at some point, but never goes away.

Yesterday evening was quite calming as I attempted to complete a computer game with my son (designed for a 12 year old!) and failed miserably - the old fingers aren't what they used to be!

Anyway onto today and at this present moment, feeling good

Take Care

Blues

Well, day 8 almost over and for some reason i have been in a foul mood for the last 2 or 3 hours, think the realisation of what I have done has finally lodged itself firmly in my head. What a joke - how many times must we go through this repetetive s**t until we finally realise there is a normal life out there?

Madness, anyway, for today no gambling and thats the main thing

Take Care

Blues

Day 9 today - no urges yesterday, just that foul humour that seems to have subsided somewhat.

Keeping myself busy with work and first game of 5 a side of the new year tonight - again keeping the mind and body focused and occupied.

Hope you all enjoy an urge free day and if not, most certainly a gamble free day

Take Care

Blues

Well, really cant feel any lower than I do today. This has been coming on for the last few days and feel so f****n down this morning its unreal. I've had bad spells in the past but just can't function, made it into work, just been down to the canteen, everyone laughing and joking and me sitting there staring into space. Came back to my desk to find my weekly take home pay is going to by 50 less every two weeks - final straw, i f****n hate this life. Had I not been such a selfish P**ck over the years, the 50 drop wouldnt be an issue but here we are, deeper in the s**t than I will ever know.

Really feel like chucking the f****n towel in today - straight home from work, probably another argument with the wife, take it out on the kids then straight to bed, this isnt a life, its an existence.

Anyway, didnt gamble yesterday and wont today, but this time its more than staying bet free - im losing my mind (and I'm not an attention seeker, but had to make this entry)

Oh, and yes, I could go to the doctors and get some pills but unfortunately as I work and pay taxes, I have to pay 50 for the 'privilage'

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues... Am sitting here trying to think of what to say without sounding patronising. Maybe all i can say is i can empathise with you.

The first few weeks after the gambling stops are hard in all respects but we just got hunker down and except the reality as it is.

Its the horrible thing about this addiction don't you think. Its like the consequnces are so long lasting. But as you say yourself eventually we do settle back into a more settled way of living and being and those stress levels start to come down.

I can feel it in myself.. although am in a tough financial place for the forseeable am starting to calm down and the same will happen with you Blues.

Stay focussed on not gambling.. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Like SA, I hope not to sound patronising either.

Coming on here and letting rip is the way to go. At times there is no option that can give us even a moments peace and quiet. Its such a pain in the hole.

Thing is, we plod through it, trying to see the bigger picture, taking the 50quid hits on the chin in the knowledge that it will be better in the future. In the old days we would have gambled that on some boll ocks cartoon race without a second thought !

Keep at it and keep letting rip on this forum.

Brian

Great comments by SA and Brian.

There's nothing more that I can say other than just to keep remembering how quickly those £50s would have lasted in the past, whether recent past or further afield.

How about having a read of Fool's diary if you have not done so already?

GT

Hey Blues, how u doing?