Regaining control after slip

Thanks for the replies to my initial post yesterday, I need to keep posting frequently to get feelings off my chest.

Life has never been as bad from a gambling perspective as it is now - lots of people know my problems and I feel that my life has ceased for good. I will always be scrutinised for what I spend, wht I spend it, where I spend it and will never be able to smile/be happy again. That is just how I feel at this moment in time.

I should be financially stable at this point in life, yet i'm not - deep in debt and foolishly putting money over the counter to them bookies. I actually don't blame the bookmaking companies, they have a business model that they follow to succesfully make money. Although importers of drugs also have a business model to make money - they do prey on addictive personalities but more than that, they are legal!

I blame the illness I have and the fact that I have ZERO respect for anyone else, least of all the people I love. If I did, why on earth would I throw it all away?

I havent placed a bet since Saturday but in all seriousness, that is NO achievement. Raw in my mind is the pain and i'm living it every minute of every day-the woman I love sitting at home in tears until the children come in from school, then putting on the false smile and keeping calm until I, the s**m, walk through the door. Every time I look at the kids, I know what i've lost. I will always be their dad, but will also always be the s**m who lost all the money and shattered the whole ideal of family life

Blues

Unfortunately you have to just start again. However you can use what has happened as fuel to burn the desire to stay away. You can rebuild bridges but first you have to stop gambling and remain stopped. Well done on stopping and hope the pain helps you rebuild things.

Michael

Hi Blues... keep writing mate.. its good therapy... folks are always here to listen and offer support.

The thing is (and if your anything like me)... you did what you did the other day because you felt desparate... and the terrible thing about gambling is that in the moment it can seem like the solution as well as the cause. Its a baffling compulsion thats for sure.

Its out in the open now.. thats a good thing. No more secrets no more lies. Concentrate on not gambling.. a day at a time. Remember that when we feel desparate we only gamble to escape the consequnces of the gambling.. it becomes about passing time.

make this your rock bottom... it doesn't have to get worse. Onwards and upwards.. S.A

Hi SA

Thanks for the post mate, it really is tougher than it has ever been at this stage. Yes, it is out in the open which is a small relief but things are so messed up at the minute, there is no way out.

I really need to kick this evil evil habit into touch, because it is affecting me and so many other people. You know the strange thing is when I was losing the money, I didnt enjoy it or think of any of the consequences, so convinced it was simple to win when I have lost thousands of times.

This really is rock bottom folks and I want each and every one of you to think, when you place that bet, no mater how small or controlled it seems at the time, you will end up like me or worse. If I would have stopped gambling when first confessing 3.5 years ago-things would have been sweet and rosy now, but instead I continued to make the wrong choices, day after day, week after week, year after year.

I HATE what I have done, am scared, so scared I will do it again, but for today, I will not gamble. Its not about money now, its about gambling with life - I've already lost my wife, but I want my kids to be proud of their dad, not embarresed and hurt

Take Care

Blues

Last Gamble 556pm, Saturday 21st April 2012

Morning,

I can read the determination in that post. You can do this, stay strong my friend , stay very very strong.

Dusty x

hi blues,

forget about the past.past is past now.money is gone now.just live for today.today you wont gamble.dont panic with the debts.the debts are there.try to save some cash in order to reduce them.even small amounts every month going to debts its vital.but first try to stay clean, bet free.

i m giving you my best wishes to carry on with this battle.we all need support to this journey.

take care

Hi Blues

Your story has touched me. It's understandable how you are feeling about what you have done. But it's no use looking at the past and thinking about what if.. unfortunately you can't change it... but you can learn from it and you can put it behind you.

You have hit rock bottom, you know that, but the good news is that the only way now is UP!

I am willing you on Blues.. you can do this! Stay with this and your children will be more than proud of you....

Thanks for all your support, I really need you folks at this moment in time. I've hurt so many that I've never, in my 36 years, felt so alone.

I want to apologise for not posting on other diaries at the moment, but it isnt being selfish as I have supported in the past, but my head is such a mess- a real big mess

Thanks again

Blues

mate i see where you re coming from.last christmas and last eater i was in a real mess.not sleeping well, not eating properly, isolated from my friends and the list goes on.

first advice i ll give you: go out and speak about your problem to your close ones.only if the are aware of the problem they can help you.today i took the decision to speak to my parents.it will be hard but if there is a chance they help me why i would waste it?

my second advice is keep ALL the doors of gambling SHUT.remember even a tiny bet is just a step to disaster.

take care mate and try to focus on recovery rather than feeling miserable for the past.past is past.YOU CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE

Thanks for the support over the last few days folks, it means so much to send a message and get supportive advice. At this current moment in time, gambling has me completely beat and life will never be the same again, but I must try to keep it together the best I can so that my children have the father they deserve. My father was a hard working man but very selfish, maybe we are more alike than I have ever thought.

Glad the working week is nearly over and I can try to cath up on the endless nights lying in the bed wide awake. I dont hold much hope, but even 4 or 5 hours straight sleep would be a godsend,

Take Care folks and do the right thing just for today, make the right choices and dont gamble

Blues

Last gamble 21st April 2012

Hey blues,

have been reading your diary and can relate to a lot of what you have written.

i'm in last chance saloon. My partner is giving me one last chance to sort myself out for us and our kids.

i CAN'T let them down.

I'm off to my GA meeting.

Stay strong,

gazza

Hi

Well today is another day and I still feel the raw hurt and pain. This time last week everything was great, no troubles at all and now look at the situation - bad beyond belief.

I still cannot believe that I have stooped so so low and really feel that this is irrepairable. The only thing I do know is that I CANNOT gamble today. I would love to say ever again but the mind doesnt work that way. I need to keep it in the day

Take Care

Blues

Last bet 556pm 21st April 2012

Hi Blues,

We can repair it but it will take time again as you know.

Keep strong

Someone asked me last week if i would ever gamble again and i said i did not know, i''m strong at present but hard to realise i could not answer that with the word NO.

As you quite rightly said one day at a time, even one hour, one minute if you need it

Take Care

Lucy

Hi Blues, my heart goes out to you fella. You need to look after yourself at the moment. Concentrate on each day, build them up. You've gone a long time between gambling before....10 odd months? Think about your kids, have a picture on our phone or in your wallet. Look a them every time the thought of gambling enters your head. Chin up and start grafting. You can do this. Russ

hi blues,

keep it one day a time.keep all the doors of gambling closed.cancel cards, pout gamblock, self exclude, give your money to your wife.remember ...no access to money...no gamble..

start counting days again, we are with you on that journey.

keep strong!