Regaining control after slip

Hi Blues, I've followed you from the start and I appreciate how gripped you are by this addiction. Can you change your approach is any way? I'm a firm believer that that gambling is a mental illness and the only way to get better is to change your mind set. It's like training your mind to get away from the 'habit' of gambling. You've grooved your mind through years and years of repeat behaviour. Yes it takes a long time to change this but it's very very possible. Can you set aside some time to read some mindset books? I started with http://www.wanttostopgambling.com/info2.cfm?info_id=21945 The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters is also excellent. It has to be worth a try. Your family needs you. Russ

Hi blues really sorry 2 hear how hard your getting it, blondie has gave u sum great support and advice and russ is right compulsive gambling is a mental illness and them books he recommended mite just be worth a try youve nothing 2 lose.

We all have to start somewhere mate try and take it a day at a time and c.b.t is well worth a go 2.

Look after yourself and take care!

Well what a few days it has been. I have not gambled since Thursday, which I would like to think is me starting to get a 0.0001% grip on reality, but it is probably 99% down to the facts that I have no funds. However, I can certainly feel a shift in my attitude since Thursday. I was in work Friday, going through the motions and massive emotions, I had this thought that my life was at one big crossroads because I am so so tired of it all.

I was literally standing at that crossroad with two arrows, death and a new beginning. It really was that simple, I had the plan, Friday evening, train station, simple really. Something though is holding me back, my children, who have the most pathetic father in the world, my wife, who I love dearly, but again has the most pathetic excuse of a husband in the world. I am not looking for sympathy as people have give me that for too long and I've kicked/pushed it away EVERY time.

I got home (to my rented place now I am seperated)Friday evening and was just mentally and physically exhausted. I was in a daze, and put a DVD on my laptop (Comedy, the emotions couldnt deal with anything else!) and fell asleep within 20 minutes.

Usual sleepness night waking, sleeping, gut wrenching etc went on and then saturday I stayed in the room all day, thinking/contemplating/receiving numerous texts from family members ranging from how useless I am to how I need to basically stop and do whatever it takes to do so.

Yesterday, I woke and felt awful again but knew I had to get out of the house. I lazed around physically but my mind was racing, until mid afternoon, when I needed to get to a meeting. I couldnt afford the train and managed to hop it so far in, then walked the rest of the way (which isnt too far). I was relieved to be at the meeting and took one huge key point out of it, I must get rid of my ARROGANCE. I don't consider myself arrogant and no one has said it to me for 20 years (a friend said it once in the heat of an argument-which did affect me at the time). However, by thinking I can beat this alone, I am showing contempt for the disease and arrogance. People champion GA, but I commented last night that it simplt cannot have 100% success rate, I refuse to believe that it has worked for all the people that have continuously gone to meetings and said I needed willpower also. I was told that willpower isn't an option as we are POWERLESS, and this made sense as for the first time I have admitted that I am actually powerless to stop myself withdrawing money and betting until my last coin has gone. POWERLESS, a frightening thing to admit, but that describes my relationship with gambling and for the first time there is a little chink of light. I'm going to throw myself full force into this and am going to put every barrier in place that I can, and, if it doesnt work, I can't say I didnt try my blo*dy best,

Just for today, I will not gamble and hope you all feel the same

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues.. I know that welcome back seems a rediculous thing to say under the circumstances but i will say it anyway..welcome back!

This is where you belong mate, here and Ga, whether you want to or not. We cannot do it alone, simples.

When i decide to walk into a gambling enviroment I have usually reached a point where I am not liking myself very much and I convince myself that i will win money and that in winning money this will cheer me up. When I walk out of a gambling environment I am hating myself very much after having lost all my money and far from feeling cheerful I feel like the loneliest most pathetic human being ever to have walked on the planet.

Your not alone mate.. we gotta stop doing this cr** to our selves.. one day at a time. Regards.. S.A

Blues,

Many thanks for your post.

You know what to do so i won't pontificate.

When i read your diary i see many of my compulsive gambling traits-they're not nice and difficult to deal with.

Best wishes,

gazza

Hey Blues,

Your diary sounds like a journey and a half and I respect the fact that you haven't started a new post for each time you've gone back to the old ways... You mention about pride and making others proud, people outside of gambling may not understand that but when you're in a hole and you're feeling lonely with no self esteem you have to realise how vulnerable you are and the only way any of us can get any sort of pride is by doing this thing for ourselves. I know I've only been a month but the one image which stuck with me was holding hands with my daughter, I'm not a dad but I want to be, I know that personally I can't gamble and have kids in my life and that's one very real incentive. You know they say life is about learning and it's these tough lessons that we have to learn from, don't give up on yourself don't listen to the people trying to bring you down just stay focused, you do have to be selfish in some ways and do this all for yourself- it's almost putting a short term hold on your life and some real soul searching and questions need to be asked. Nobody else is going to make the decision for you and you do have the strength to make the difference you need to make. I know you feel powerless and so have I but if you have a chance to make a change then you can take control of this disease, only you can empower yourself and you have to believe in yourself that you can do it... every mountain has a peak so if it means a lot of climbing to see whats on the other side then that's what you've got to do, it's purely and simply hard work and only hard work which will see you through.

One example of why I have faith in you is the charity raffle story I couldn't read through everything but I got reading about the raffle tickets, made me laugh... It's crazy how when you stop you start to notice that gambling is everywhere... In getting some fast food and there's a fruit machine, in getting a newspaper and there's a local lotto, on facebook and there's gambling advertisements even at work there's sweep stakes, guessing which day a babies going to be born... but it's those d**n charity raffles which are the hardest to say no to, fair play for sticking to your guns back then.

I know I have a lot less in life experience than you so I hope none of what I say is patronising but I really want you to succeed just for yourself- there's no better reward!

Thanks for you comments and inputs people, really appreciate it. Woke up this morning feeling ok, tired but ok. Came into work and a black cloud has been hanging over me for the last hour. I can live without money, I have some food (coming up with recipes involving pasta, baked beans and cupasoups is challenging but so be it!) and I feel like I have to comment. Just reading your kind words and knowing someone, somewhere gives a f**k (and i'm not usually a self pitying kind of person) helps me out. The people I thought I could rely on are actually just going through the motions of sending a text, hope you ok and these are outweighed by the abusive texts. In the past I have dropped everything for some of these people, gone to their aid in the middle of the night and took time off work to help them through their tough times - a text, save yourself the credit and don't bother. I am going to a meeting this evening and at least people will understand the illness. They may not understand why I have slipped again, but they will understand how easily it has happened. To be honest, there are a few members in that particular meeting that are judgemental in my eyes and I need to keep my calm. At the same time, i'm sick to my back teeth of trying to please everyone, biting my tongue etc. The only person I used to take my frustrations out on were the person I could rely on most, my wife - how the f**k does that make sense? I've a lot of anger and resentment inside me at the minute and am going to pop out for a lunchtime walk to try and clear the head.

no bet yesterday and no bet today, please please let there be a higher power that can get me through each and every day, I DONT WANT TO GAMBLE - see I can type it, I can say it but can't get it into my thick skull!

Blues

Now I won't defend the people sending the texts but I know that my ex girlfriend didn't come to see me because she was too disappointed in me to look me in the eye, that she might show her own weakness. You know once we admit we have a problem it does make us strong and people will admire it and fear it in some way... not everybody can explain their problems, many people will bottle up, by being here and going to the meetings your putting your thoughts on the table, you're letting other people see your weaknesses and that's why your strong. People will always be judging us and it's proving them wrong, add as much fuel to the fire as you can- most things in the right frame of mind can be turned into a positive. There's that old saying, water off a ducks back.

No amount of money can buy kindness and that's what you've shown these people, they may have taken you for granted when they needed you... maybe it proves the lack of understanding that people have towards gambling and the addiction element of gambling, as lets be honest it is glamorised in the media and that's part of the problem is the perception.

I can relate to the wife/partner thing, the people you hurt the most are the people you want to hurt the least... Before I broke up with my lady the driving factor was in my head saying 'she deserved better' and it's not on purpose that I acted the way I did the gambling had taken control of me, it took potentially losing everything to realise that and most of the time it's too late at that stage.

Well, today is one week since I woke up with the usual excitement and anticipation of gambling until my last coin was gone, and I feel so much better. I dont think it is true in any other sense than a gambling binge, that time IS a great healer. I cannot condone what I have done but as the mantra goes, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I can't change the past only shape my future and I fully intend to do this. I have had urges over the last week but they have been dealt with by positive thinking along with lack of funds. There is one big difference this time, and that is that I have accepted that I need to stand on my own two feet. I have spent 0 since last thursday and you know what, it is kind of liberating. I am not too hungry much of the time, but am scraping meals together. Gambling, for now, has taken away my right for a bar of chocolate, a takeaway pizza, a few tinnies, but if I continue to do the right thing, I know this will return. I have also a lot of wrongs to correct that I have done to people. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint, but most of my wrongs are currently debt, I've never attacked anyone physically, but have missed a large chunk of my life through this addiction. I am really looking forward to my next meeting too, because I am in such a positive frame of mind and I know that if I stop this gambling NOW, everything else will fall into place. The one thing gambling has done to me, is took me to lows I should never have had to experience. The other thing it has done has taught me that I can rely on nobidy else, only me in this life. Even family turn their backs ashamed at what I have done, but I aim to do this for me, not to prove it to anyone else. I training myself with simpler blocks, staying in work until the bookies has closed, I'm going to carry minimal cash, all the things I did when I abstained for a prolonged period before.

I sincerely hope (i'm not just typing it) that you all have a gamble free day today and if those urges come, remember they are just thoughts, try to push them to the back of your mind because if you do act on them, you will end up penniless, remorseful, hate yourself etc all those dark dark feelings

Take Care

Blues

Great post Blues, found myself nodding away reading it. As you say it's about enjoying life again, good food, good company, being comfortable to be able to do things again- bring back the spontaneity... When we're gambling we must be boring feckers to live with, it really is like having a mistress and spending all your money on her and then coming back to the people who actually care about you and then not doing the things you want to do with them because of that d**n mistress. Like I said I know you can do this, when I look back I think well it's only be a month but that's 32 days of not betting so in the last month I've probably saved myself 64 hours where I would have otherwise been gambling. Everyday not gambling your winning back hours you would have lost.

Yes ST, it is certainly more than financial losses, in fact I would argue that they are the least important thing. So much more to lose, time being one of them, family, trust, self respect, the list is endless.

A week ago today, I woke up absolutely drained, gutted, hungover, full of dread, hatred, fear, lonliness. I am determined not to feel that again, it is so raw at the minute, it feels like it WAS yesterday! Thats good though, If I could keep this feeling of hatred I have for what gambling has done to me, i am confident that i wwont gamble again. Unfortunately, the pain will heal over time and that is when the challenge becomes unbearable at times, but one day at a time.

I hope you all have a fantastic urge free day and keep doing the right things and fighting the good fight

Take Care

Blues

Hi blues

True gambling dose take you to low point which no one should at.

I still walk to work because i can't afford to pay a fare to travel and if i do have money for a fare i am 90% likely to gamble it in the bookies.

But since i have been on here my gambling has cut down and life is improving slowly and as you said we can't change the past but we can change the further.

Stay strong my friend and kick those urges in the a** one day at a time.

Hi Blues,

I wish you a fantastic urge free day also.

Keep going, keep posting, give it away to keep it.

Take care

Blondie

I want to start by saying that it is true, I cannot beat this alone. GA and this site have given me so much over time, and certainly since the 15th of November, when I placed my last bet.

This time, I have finally admitted step 1 in the GA programe - we admitted that we were powerless over gambling and that our lives had become unmanageable. I simply cannot control myself and if I place a bet, wilol end up with nothing, you see the odds are even greater for me - I simply cannot win. I refuse to be beat by this and any other challenge I face in life, will not be as difficult as this.

It has actually been liberating having no money, and lots of time over the last week and a half as before I have been helped out time and time again, but the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet.

Just for today, I will not gamble

Take Care

Blues

Morning Blues.

Hope this finds you well.

We are powerless, I realised this nearly 9 months ago.

Do you have someone you can trust with your bank cards etc?

I rarely carry mine , i don't have much money in my account anyway!!

Best wishes,

gazza