Regaining control after slip

Already 11 days, fantastic start... everyone needs a beginning, an opportunity... through our own hardship we have been presented with an opportunity to make a change... to become better people, normality as you say. There are not many shops you would willingly go into and come out with nothing and still have less money in your pocket, that's the bookies for you. It does seem crazy when you think about it. Even buying a packet of crisps is an achievement because that 's 50p less that you would have spent gambling... It really is the little things in life which make the difference. Having a small bit of money in your pocket but knowing what to do with it means more than having a huge amount of money but not a clue what to do with it.

You know it's the start which is the struggle because you have to learn to get by, you have to start planning again for when you do have money but if you can survive on what you have now then the future can only get easier. Looking forward and not looking back.

Well the main point of me being here, yesterday I did not gamble. However, I woke with a terrible gut wrenching feeling this morning which lasted for about 3 seconds, I thought that I had gambled. Obviously I was dreaming about it and the feeling was terrible, the same as two weeks back. The relief when I realised it wasn't true was so strong, i'm not ashamed to admit, I nearly (I said nearly) cried. I am also not ashamed to admit that I have cried rivers over the years both directly because and indirectly caused by the B**tard disease that is compulsive gambling.

Then walking to work, I had massive urges, this is the first time this has happened to me in this way in any of my recovery attempts. It must be a withdrawal symptom, but I am not going back to those dark days.I have been in meetings all morning and the urges have subsided which I am grateful to my higher power for. Need to be on my guard this evening and plan to stay in work until the bookies are closed, which takes away the element of placing a bet. This made me realise what a powerful disease this is as I knew I didnt want to bet but it was my mind trying to take over my mind if that makes sense!

I used to get hooked up on the number of days bet free, but until they are greater than the number of days of my life I have wasted, I will not be happy!

For today, I will state I am on day 12 of my recovery attempt, because I want to count today, in future I may not but I want to pat myself on the back for the last 12 days. I had no funds, but I could have accessed some if I really wanted to or I could have stole to feed my addiction, which I have done before....

Take Care and have a good day

Blues

Hi,

No bet yesterday which is the main thing. In extremely good form today and happy with my recovery. My personal life is a wreck, but I can only influence certain things and as I have said, staying away from gambling gives me a fighting chance, if I go back gambling I really have no chance and it will finish me completely. I feel content, almost at ease with myself even though i'm only two weeks in. The sky is blue, the birds are singing the ground is frosty and i'm bet free - sweet!

Have a great day all

Take Care

Blues

Hi, it is amazing how life improves when we stay away from gambling. I have said before that if I just abstain from this one thing then everything else falls into place. Went to a meeting last night and shared my thoughts as normal and hung around after wards for about half an hour having a chat with another member. That chat has done me the world of good and I now have a few contacts from the group to call/text whenever the urges hit me. You see addiction thrives on secrecy and isolation, something I would have done in the past. Sharing here is great but is no match (for me anyway) for a face to face chat with somebody to remind me of why I must choose not to gamble.

No bet at all over a very productive weekend and it is nice to say that my last bet was 15th November, which is of course, LAST MONTH!! Day 18 today, amazing how quick time goes. My ultimate aim is never to bet again, my realistic goal is not to gamble today

Take Care

Blues

Morning blues

You're doing the right things

Stay strong,

gazza

Well, I continue to do the right things and it is making me feel good. No gamble yesterday, fleeting thoughts but thats all they were and I am thankful that I can recognise these thoughts / urges and fight my way against them, for today. I am approaching three weeks since that awful dark day which I hope was a turning point, but I have been here before fighting this disease for the last 5 or 6 years and at this stage, should realise, I cannot win if I gamble. The only thing I can win is the battle against this disease and for myself I will. I am the person most affected by this, other people want apologies, some, who are supposed to care unconditionally about you, want to kick you when you are down. This time has really opened my eyes to the people I can rely on. However, I dont want financial help at all, that has made it all too easy in the past to go back to those hellholes. The mental torture they provide is unrivalled, chipping away until you have no self esteem, no drive, no care in the world turning to crime etc. I hate this disease and I sincerely hope that everyone here has an urge free day, or can win the battle against those urges.

Take Care

Blues

Tough day yesterday, in a way I was kind of testing myself. I had to go to the bank and get a cheque and had to walk past one bookies and I was so tempted to go in. Then I asked myself, if I won, what would I do with the money? Give it all back was the answer so on I trundled to the bank, cheque made out, urge subsided - I am not underestimating this achievement, it really is massive for me, someone who, 3 weeks ago, sat in GA and was completely sincere when I admitted 'I cannot stop gambling'. Well yesterday I did and I made the right decision and fell so good about it today. I have to be on my guard and I am doing things (few pints, treating kids, treating others) that I couldn't do if I was still losing. You see to me its not gambling, it seems I am addicted to losing! Someone mentioned that we get so used to having no money and feeling depressed that we kind of miss it when we have a few bob and feel good. I can relate to that, and I am not going back to that s**t feeling for today I will not LOSE!

Take Care

Blues

As long as you're aware of the urges that in itself is a big achievement- when you're gambling and you're maybe chasing your losses, nothing seems to stop you until you have no more money to play with, that's the reality of the situation. If you can ask the question before you've lost any money then you're winning everytime.

Each day there'll be challenges but without gambling they'll get easier to cope with- having money means you can do more for the people in your life rather than having money for gambling. That's the thing about gambling and in some ways when we're gambling how we justify it- we're gambling so that we have more money for those people but it doesn't happen like that, rather than adding we're taking away. Stay strong buddy and well done

Thanks ST, your support is much appreciated. Yesterday passed without incident or urges so that was an achievement in itself. I am already reaping the rewards of not gambling. My mental state, which is very important to me, is fairly stable. I still have wobbles but 3 weeks ago I was a wreck. Exhausted and no care for myself, I need to look after me, and the rest falls into place. Financially, I am very deep in debt and will be for the next 4 or 5 years. Mistakes i've made in the past have been to dwell on the financial side, but it doesn't really matter, once I am paying what I can, the banks etc, will have to suck it up.

Just for today, I will not gamble - day 21 today - C'MON BLUES YOU CAN DO IT!

Take Care

Blues

No bet yesterday, and no urges to speak of. Fleeting thoughts but they were quickly exstinguished - I love this none gambling life. Weekend with my kids to look forward to, and a few bob, not a lot, to treat them to a few little things...I can do this, I know I can

Take Care

Blues

You sound like your doing it already blues.

Enjoy your weekend with kids no amount of money could ever buy thay.

Take care

blondie

Hope the weekend is going well for you Blues, the small things in life mean more then big elaborate presents so I'm sure the kids will appreciate just spending time with their dad. It's amazing how quick kids grow up but they'll always look up to you- I still look up to my dad and he's shorter than me.

Hi Blues... great to see that your getting back on track. I always find that my financial situation stabalises quite quickly as soon as i stop and stay stopped. The same will be for you to am sure.

Keeping that desire not to gamble anymore is key. Your resolve seems strong. Mine is too. Day at a time. Onwards to better times. Warm regards.. S.A 🙂

Morning Blues

Hope this finds you well.

You know what to do.

Best wishes,

gazzza

Hi Folks,

Lovely crisp morning out there. First thing to report is no bet since my last post. I am finding that not gambling is so rewarding, emotionally and financially. I have upmost respect for the few pound in my pocket which enabled me to treat the people I love over the weekend and also enabled a little treat for ME! The money I spent would have been gone in 10 or 15 minutes of gambling, it wasn't a lot but I feel so good and am now pondering on the what if I never gambled question, which I cannot do. I have dwelt on the past too many times before and that mental unstableness can lead me back to hell.

Day 25 today, funny how time flies when you are having FUN!

Take Care

Blues