Regaining control after slip

Hi Blues.. powerful last post. Ive been that character you describe many times. Literally looking for money on the streets, scrapping togther 30p for one spin on a machine in the hope of getting back in the action and winning money so i could eat! never again!! keep focussed friend.. S.A

Thanks SA, yes I have been that person too many times than I wish to remember. It is some powerful, gut wrenching feeling to know you have to survive on nothing for weeks and its all because of gambling. The hatred for gambling I feel the following day, if could be bottled and taken as medicine, would ensure that I never ever gambled again. The mind however, tries to convince us after a few weeks / months that one little bet wont hurt, when in fact it will bring us back to this point.

No bet for me since my last post, strangely some mild urges yesterday even though I had less than £3 in my pocket, quickly dismissed them, but the urge was there thinking if i double it I can pop in for a couple of pints on the way home. I can't seem to bloody win, carry little money, urge to increase it for a few simple pleasures, carry lots of money, blow it in the bookies. Gambling has taken so much of my life away from me, robbed me of my family and financially crippled me for the last 5 years, and the next 5 (at least), I really despise those tw*ts (even though it is obviously not their fault) who smile and make small talk behind the glass partition of the bookies counter, while taking our money and destroying families. Do you know I tried to self exclude from a well known chain of bookmakers and was told it is not possible just dont go into the shops! I ask you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues,

Just want to say...I don't think they are allowed to do that....maybe go on the ask gamcare section and ask them....I thought they all had a code of conduct to follow..especially if they are a well know chain...follow it through ...it will help you..and others!

Sue x

Well been toying with gambling over the last two weeks while managing to avoid any complete financial disaster. I have chosen today 1st February to try again - my life can be settled and rewarding if I stay bet free for a few months so what do I want to gamble for?

Anyway, day one today and its GOOD TO BE BACK!

Take Care

Blues

Friday 1 Feb, had I chosen to go to GA and give my addiction the respect it deserves, I wouldnt be in the situation I find myself in AGAIN. Potless, penniless, no self respect, hatred, genuine thoughts of taking the easy way out, family-less - need I continue f**k MY LIFE and the s**t that goes with it....I'm tired of fighting now and will continue to advise others - sitting in work, mind racing, smiling, laughing, the many faces of Blues the gambler.

I know what I need to do, but cannot do it, so I will advise on here and if it makes ONE person stop for ONE day, it will be worth it

Take Care

Blues

Well diary, still in work, thoughts of even going back to the empty room, hungry, sad, desperate to feel some arms around me, give me a hug and say 'It will be alright, I'm here'. Tears streaming down my face as I type this, realisation that I have thrown everything away that I once lived for, all for gambling,

Folks, Blues is a broken man, it has chewed me up and spat me out a thousand times, this time is has destroyed my soul. Taken material things (car, clothing etc) thats fine, I no longer value these things, but the rest it has taken has broken me.

No bet today, wish I could grow a set of ba**S and say that for the rest of my life but i'm gripped by one thing I never really had FEAR - I am now alone and it is killing me inside,

Take one message from this - NEVER GET COMPLACENT, LOOK AT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND BE SATISFIED WITH IT. DRAW UP A LIST OF THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT, BECAUSE YOU WILL LOSE IT ALL, THAT, I PROMISE

Take Care

Blues

Just been to the Gym and got off the phone from my beloved children - the gym certainly lifted my mood and then speaking to my kids has also helped. Off to bed now and hoping the new dawn and new day will be slightly more tolerable tomorrow. GA meeting tomorrow night and really need to take my own advice this time and do what it says in the little red book and not the complete opposite!

Take Care

Blues

G'night Blues. Reading, and understanding, and relating...hang in there. You are making tremendous strides. -joanxx

Thanks for your kind words, feeling even worse today and not sure its going to lift this time. In short, this really is the worse Ive felt, just been told I can't see my kids this weekend - distraught isn't the word. The thoughts of their little faces is tearing me apart, but that is the life i have made for myself

For today, I will not gamble

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blue

Chin up mate i no its hard im back in the gambling claws again its tough. Ive got to tell my wife again im back and it scares the hell out of me she trys to understand but how many will i get away with

Take care buddy

Paul

Blues,

Thanks for your post.

Sorry to hear that things are tough for you.

You know what to do.

Best wishes,

gazza

Well I have been true to my pledge today and have not gambled, still a burning hatred for myself burns bright and deep but need to keep my head together.

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues... Thinking of you mate and well done for not gambling yesterday. Must admit that in not having kids ive got no idea how it must feel not to be able to see them but i can imagine.

All I do know is that when ive been in a state of emotional turmoil gambling only makes things worse, cos I gamble just to have those few minutes escape from how i feel within. I soon as i stop the act of gambling the sh*tty feelings come back with avengence together with the new financial problems i would have just created by my further gambling. A vicious cycle!

You know this of course, your living it, just as i have lived it on and off for years with various rock bottoms or what i thought were rock bottoms at the time but there's always a worse place to get to. But as with me you also know what it feels like to go for a period of time not gambling and it feels better doesn't it and you can do it again my friend just as I am.

Get down that gym, regular, healthy body healthy mind. It can also serve as an escape when it all feels just too much. Better in the gym than in the bookies. If ya can't afford the gym regular then go for long walks.

Also is their anything you can do to help with your finances to ease the pressure?? Earn more money?? Reduced payments?? Bancruptcy could give you a fresh start??

Sorry if this all sounds a bit patronising. Its not intended that way. Am just a fellow addict trying to help as best i can. Onwards and upwards Blues... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Many thanks for your words, we have indeed been gambling on and off for far too long.

My finances could be under control (collosal debts but hey ho) had I not messed up 4 or 5 times over the last 6 or so months, each time putting myself under incredible strain. Again, forward looking, things financially can be in control if I abstain for the next 4 or 5 pay days. I know all this, I know I have a problem, I know my triggers, I know what I shouldnt do, yet I keep testing myself and failing, why is that? It is so frustrating all the time, walking down the street with nothing in your pocket, trying to blame the bookies.

It is not the bookies fault, they are a business and love seeing an addict / compulsive gambler come through the doors I'm sure. If I owned a bookie I would want the fella who is going to blow his wages in there rather than an astute gambler.

As for the gym, i've never been a nig fan, but the I got a few free passes for the one close by so will use them over the next few weeks. Still playing a little football too, which helps keep me away from those hellholes.

That is what they are to me, hellholes, literally every time I walk in, I end up in hell, financially, mentally and to be honest when I pass to the other side I believe hell is unique per person but at least I will have experience if thats where I end up!

I'm not a bad person SA, in fact I am a very generous person, have lots of love to give, passive, friendly, some may say humourous (others a sarcastic b'stard but you can't please everyone!) that is the person when I am NOT gambling, when I am, I'm not a nice person and unbearable to live with / be around.

Anyway, no bet today, stay in work until the sh*tholes have closed. Being as though I have a whole weekend to myself (unfortunately) I am going to get 1 GA meeting on Friday evening, 1 on Saturday morning and 1 on Sunday evening. Between meetings, I may go the gym or take a walk by the beach. I need to plan ahead and as the red book says no hurry or indecision. Good thing is, I have no cash (a friend lent me some to get food which I spent on FOOD! (not gambling suprisingly), last night) so not gambling will come naturally as I have taken the fuel away.

No bet so far today, no bet for the rest of the day

Take Care

Blues

Ok, so gamble free day yesterday which is a fantastic achievement for me even without any funds as when I am in action I would sell my soul to place a bet. Slightly more at peace with myself from a gambling guilt perspective than I was 3 or 4 days ago, but still missing the kids like mad, but looking forward to a brighter future.

I need to get lots of meetings in this weekend to keep my medication up and fully intend to do this.

I hope you all have a good, bet free day and remember, a compulsive gambler has three steps in my opinion.

1) The thought of placing a bet, which could be triggered by an event or simply the fact that we live in a fantasy world where we think we can solve all our financial and emotional issues with a big win.

2) The uncontrollable urge to follow that thought with a bet. I have found myself, having a shower, putting on my best clothes, making myself seem like Mr Big to the rest of the world, heart pumping in anticipation, placing bets, popping in for a pint, laughing and joking and an hour later BANG, zero (and I mean ZERO) cash until next payday, with all debts and bills unpaid for a month.

3) Is actually placing the bet, and then it becomes WELCOME TO HELL!

There is nothing wrong with having a thought, nothing wrong with having an urge, but in my opinion there is everything wrong with placing a bet.

While it is an illness, the compulsive gambler must take responsibility for their actions. When I blew all my wages last time, yes I am sick with this, but absolutely nobody forced me to place that bet, no-one at all, I chose to walk into those sh*tholes, changing bookies frequently thinking my luck would change, or using a different pen because I think it might be lucky! It is complete non-sensical madness and for Blues, it stops here, right here let me tell you. I am actually thinking of writing to the head of each bookmakers and personally asking to be excluded, I know there are forms etc, but I do not believe they are foolproof, as there are so many establishments around the place.

Take Care

Blues