Relapse

I've never done this before but here goes. 

I have always had a flirtatious relationship with gambling. The idea of turning something in to more is surely appealling to anyone. But I am aware my mind ticks differently. My most recent relapse is different. A few months ago I stumbled across Slots which was not something I had ever gambled with before. I deposited £... and started spinning the slots. 8 hours later and with no sleep, I withdrew £... That was that, this was the best thing I had ever found. Needless to say the majority of it went back in, but I had further huge wins. Another £... withdrew, and then a £... balance which I threw away. Despite giving the majority back, my head was telling me this is going to change your life, just persevere. I wasn't wrong in that it changes my life, but not for the better. 

I haven't slept properly for months, my personal appearance suffers. I'm genuinely not a nice person to be around and those closest suffer naturally. Because they care, but they do not understand when your main concern is your next spin on the slot. They mean well and you know that deep down life is better when you are 'clean'. 

I rarely apologise to the people I hurt but my heart does ache for their pain, I am truly sorry. This is not an addiction that affects only the user. 

An old friend lost their battle with this devil, they called it a day and decided their was only one way to win this battle, I don't want my story to end that way. I am trying to look beyond the misery of a recent relapse but it isn't easy. When you continually fall back to old habits it is easy to see only one way out of the pain for everyone. But the further you get from your last gambled date, the more clearer your head becomes. 

I am looking at life and thinking if you put the same energy on to life as you do in to gambling then you could have a great one. But time will tell. 

I hope to get in to a position to help others fight this one day, but first I need to beat my own demons.

I know it's time to win this battle, I just need to stay strong headed and do it.

Davie.