rock bottom...again

Hi lost,

I too know how you feel. I fell of the wagon again recently and last night, having lost another £500, I have finally decided that I have to tackle this addiction head on. Addiction leads to denial and the fight against it leads to a rollercoaster of emotions - you can do this and don't be afraid of feeling emotions that you might not expect or believe you can manage. Today is day one for me and I am all over the place but this site reminds me that it can be done and life will be better if I stick with my promise to myself of abstinence.

Good luck my friend and remember we all want you to succeed - you deserve it just like the rest of us.

Hi I just wanted to offer a few words of support. I really hear and understand your desperation. I know how desperate the days after a huge loss are, if you look at my diary it starts the morning after losing 12k overnight. Finding the strength is so hard as you say but you just have to drag yourself up and on. Use this dreadful feeling to build once and for all commitment to stop this beast. Get help to understand what leads you to gambling and the thoughts that keep you there. All the best my friend, these are hard and dark days but it can and will get better.

Thank you all for the kind words. I haven't written on my diary for a couple if days as I thought I might feel better and will have more positive things to say. Been thinking a lot this weekend about my life, why do I gamble, where to next..etc. I came to the conclusion that even though I only work for a few hours a night, earn good money, I hate my job. It makes me feel so lonely as everybody I know works during the day and I don't get to socialise at all during the week. It gives me loads of spare time which I still haven't figure out how to fill or what to fill it with. I've told myself so many times , why don't you study? Or join a gym, or something? I used to love playing sports, was very outdoorsy, full of life. Nowadays all I want to do is sit in front if the tv or sleep. And then I get so bored and used to go and play the fobts. I can't honestly say that I was going there for the buzz, or for the money...as It's just me and the dog, I earn more than enough money for us 2. I should've owned a house by now, drive an expensive car..etc. but no, I have to sabotage myself somehow. Spend all my money gambling, than stop, rebuild and start all over again. I used to think I'm not an addict because I just go when I'm bored, but when I go, if I have 20k in my pocket and the bookies were open 24/7 I wouldn't leave till I'm broke. How many time I left the fobt on autoplay and went out for a cigarette, etc... But I am an addict. Cause once I start I can't stop!!!! How many times I went into the bookies in the morning and left when they closed??? Too many to remember... Well, in conclusion, still down, not a lot of positive things to say...but still gf. I won't count the days as I know I can go weeks and months without playing or thinking of gambling...and than something snaps in my brain(if I have one) and I'm off again.

Really hope my attitude will change..and will be able to see something good at the horizon..

Hi Lost

Get some road blocks in place. Self exclusion works! Just keep it simple every day and hopefully the urges will not come. Get into a gym or education. Voluntary work might be an option!

Take care

Hi lost_in_life,

Hoping your still going well. Reading your diary, our stories are very similar. We both know what we are doing is wrong. We have to try and defeat it otherwise the debt will eb double within a couple of years. I had always gambled on those machines, but always still managed to bring my debt down so thought It wasn't that bad. How wrong was I . I am facing 21l debt when it shoudl of been about 8k.

Stay strong, get plans in place and stop playing. It would be good if 2 more people stopped feeding them machines money.

Thank you for the kind words dean. It would be nice indeed if we'd manage to stay away from the fobts forever.

Another week starts... It's a tough one as this week, rent is due, so it's payment towards my loans which I took to fund my addiction. Thinking of that 4 k that I've lost last week as it would've been a nice buffer to have.but I know that's not productive as that money is never coming back. It was a long shift last nigh so I just woke up, but tomorrow I'm planning on waking up early and spend the day self excluding from as many bookies as I can. I'll spend the day doing that. I have to beat this. I'm also thinking of going for a chat with my gp as I think I might be depressed as well. I can't remember last time I felt happy or looked forward to doing something. I'm only 36. It's not normal to have lost the pleasure of living...

All the best to everyone...hope you stay on the straight and narrow

Hello diary... Here I am, another day of learning how to live with my addiction. On my way to the bookies...hopefully to get self excluded from as many as I can

Hi lost hope you are doing well

Good idea remember to gamble you would travel to bookies. To stop you have to go that extra mile (if that makes sense).

Good luck on making those FOBTs absent from your future!!!!!

All the best

GR4Y 8 days GF

Hello diary. Still gamble free.. Still trying to deal with all the bills, rent, loan repayments... This month is gonna be pretty tight but..hopefully I'll manage. Feeling a bit better.. This mess that I'm now won't sort itself out and feeling miserable and depressed doesn't help so.. I've made my bed..now I have to sleep in it.

Looking forward to better times

Hello diary. Just in from work. Still gf..but yet again I know I can go without gambling for months. Self excluded from 18 shops around my area..probably a 5 mile radius.. There's so many of them!!! In the 15 min that I spent in one I saw a fellow gambler lossing around 500 quid on roulette. His wife was with him, crying and begging him to stop. He was using her card to feed the machine. I really wanted to say something to him but he had that crazed look in his eyes..which I know too well...and I knew nothing will stop him. I don't know how much he must've lost before I got there... I felt so sorry for them..for what gambling does to their family.. I don't have kids and I'm not married but I wonder if I was...if I would still do it..

I'm not judging...but I think whatever I felt lossing loads of money..it must feel a million time worse when u have a family..

Hello diary. Still on The straight and narrow. I went to some friends in epping forest for the weekend. Signal is terrible around the so I couldn't post. Back to work tonight... Felling a bit better. A big thank you to everyone that supported me so far..

Hi lost

Glad to see that your doing well keep it up my friend.

Good to hear your feeling better

GR4Y

Week started pretty busy. Today I picked up an extra shift during the day so pretty knackered. But, every extra shift will towards paying the massive debt accumulated because of gambling. It'll be tough repaying 25k but not impossible. Yeah...what can I say... I hope I can keep away from the fobts. As long as I can do that, everything else will be sorted...

Again, thank you all for all the support... It does help a lot..

Hi lost

Good one on looking forward (not back)

Thanks for your continuous support means a lot .

Hope you have a good earned rest after your long shift.

All the best fella

GR4Y

Hello everyone. Sorry o havent posted anything in The last 7-8 days. Work was very busy, been doing double shifts all week. Happy to report that im still on The wagon!! Gambling did try it's evil ways on me a couple of times but I managed to keep away. Very tired, going to bed very soon as I'm back at work tonight. Hopefully another couple of weeks of very hard work and my finances will start to look a bit better. Hope all my friends here stayed on the right path, if not..chin up!! Give it another go!!! Never give up trying to give up!!!