So this is an introduction to me & my recovery, this first one is going to be a long one. Get yourself comfortable & I'll start...
It all began back in 2011 when my health became so bad I had to give up my NHS job & take medical retirement, I was devastated. Boredom set in being stuck at home alone all day, I began doing some online bingo to elevate the boredom. Bingo?! What was the matter with me I had never played bingo in my life, i had always associated bingo with old people & i was just 45... Hahaha! Bingo did become boring quite quickly though so I swiftly moved on to the slots, that was so much more enjoyable, thevproblem with slots thoughvis that it does eatnyour money much quicker. At this point the gambling hadn't become an issue, it was the £20 here & the odd £20 there. When I was lucky enough to win I cashed out & enjoyed my winnings. I could take it or leave it, I never step foot in a casino or bookies, still don't... Gambling that that point really wasn't a problem.
We now fast forward to January 31st 2015 both my husband & myself gave up smoking using a medication called Champix & to this day we are still non smokers. For me Champix was not only my life saver it was my downfall too. Because something happened when I gave up smoking, I was bored & had nothing to do with my hands. My health had continued to get worse & by this time I was registered disabled. My husband had been made redundant, which if im honest was a blessing in disguise. I was having lots of falls and a few falls down the stairs, resulting in going to the hospital, it was becoming more & more unsafe me being at home alone, therefore my husband didn't return to work he became my full time carer. So with nothing to do with my hands now the cigarettes were gone, I didn't turn to food as you hear many do, I turned to more gambling. I couldn't tell you exactly when I became well & truly hooked but I can identify that I had swapped one addiction for another. "SMOKING OUT GAMBLING IN" At the time I hadnt realised it though, i hadnt realised I HAD become addicted. Unknown to my husband i had gambled away all my own savings & I was now spending household money, money that should have been used for bills.
I started realise how much debt I was in, panicking I contacted my brother, explained what was going on & ask for his to help, he loaned me the money to pay off all my debts without my husband knowing a thing about it. But it didn't stop there, not only did I now owe my brother quite a lot of money I was still gambling. As soon as my disability benefit arrived in my bank account I deposited online. I only played the slot machines & only ever played online. But before long I was in debt again this time with credit cards I'd taken out JUST TO GAMBLE WITH, i was behind in my rent, gas, electric. I was robbing Peter to pay Paul as they say just to keep my head out of water. Eventually i had no choice & broke down telling my husband what had been going on, he was great really understood, why hadn't I told him sooner? He took it quite well & that surprised me. I asked mum to help me out, she agreed as long as I got professional help. I closed all my casino accounts and joined gamstop. Mum Paid off all my debts including brother & a payment plan was made. Great I thought I'd come clean to hubby he knew all about it, my debts were gone, apart from mum obviously & my casino accounts close. YAHOO I'm sorted!! Or was I?
Nope! I wasn't sorted, I quickly discovered ways to get around gamstop, blockers didn't work Because I simply just learned how to take them off. Bank blockers don't work if you know which sites to go to, even discussing gambling became a trigger. So once again I was back to it, what was wrong with me,why I'm I destroying myself. So there I was back in rent arrears being threatened with eviction, I had literally maxed out all credit cards and just not paying them, in debt with gas & electric again. My thinking was this is OK, I can tell my husband he'll be ok with it, after all he didn't mind last time, mum will bail me out again, after all I had paid up what was owed to her. So there I was sad face on hubby first! He literally listened then walked away, wait what? What happened there? I asked him can we speak about it, he snapped back "NO... I'll talk to you when I feel I can actually look at uou" then walked off again. WOW! I didn't see that coming, I had really upset him. OK So next one mum... I asked her to help me, she told me she would have to think about it & would let me know in a day or two? d**n again I wasn't expecting that either. I finally realised not only have I hurt them they don't trust me. My husband didn't speak to me for 10 days and mum agreed to help but said this was the last time but I will have to get professional help. I tried so hard i had couselling with Gamcare, they referred me to the National Problem Gambling Clinic, phase 1 & phase 2 of treatment & psychodynamics. All this & I still couldn't stop. I had greatly reduced my gambling but hadnt stopped. And there I was again in arrears with my rent. What the hell was I going to do, I had been discharged from the National Problem Gambling Clinic but I still wasn't fixed!
My daughter agreed to lend me the money to pay my rent arrears but only on the condition I came clean again with my husband. I was so scared to tell him, he was going to leave me, he had told me that last time. I actually felt suicidal, In my head I was seriously thinking I'd be better off dead than my husband looking at me disgusted and leaving me. Obviously that didn't happen because I would be writing this. I broke down and explained that I just couldn't stop and I was trying so hard. He did agree to support me for one final time but I had to try harder & be honest at ever step, even if I have made just 1 single bet. No more lies, no more secrets. I referred myself back to the National Problem Gambling Clinic and that is were I am right now. I have my 4th group CBT counselling session this afternoon. My mobile phone is downstairs when I go upstairs to bed, because without my phone I can't make any bank transactions. I am now 22 days gamble free, the longest gap since 2015... I consider myself so lucky to have such a supportive family and a team of professionals around me. The mental health team have changed my meds to help support my compulsive behaviour (I have compulsive personality disorder & adhd, in addition to all my other mental health & physical health issues) they are assigning me a psychiatrist who specialises in these kind of disorders. I finally feel I am going to be free from horrible gambling addiction. Therefore, I am intending to use this as my diary to recovery. I warned you it was going to be long, if you are still with me at this point, I wish to say thank you for reading my story & I hope you will get something interesting from it that may help with your own recovery.
Lots of Love
Angel x
oh angel your story is so like mine i also have been there with my husband and yes he is hurt and i understand that but now its the trust issue so so hard and i wish you luck we can do this xxx
Thanks for sharing your story. I was very much like you. I got myself in a lot of debt and stole money from my husband. I eventually broke down and told him and he has been extremely supportive. I have been gamble free now over a year and a half. It has been hard work and the urges have been strong but i cannot let him down. I know i wouldn’t get a second chance. You have been lucky . Don’t waste your precious time amd money gambling. Think of other things you can buy yourself. I have been to Paris with my money and this was a fantastic feeling. Keep strong
@alireza Yhank you Ali ?
Reading another person's recovery diary it's made me realise just how important it is not to dwell on the past & what we have lost but to look forward to what we will gain from being gamble free. I had been really struggling today with the urge to gamble as my anxiety levels are on the roof but that post really put everything into perspective for me. The urge to gamble has gone even though my anxiety is still high.
I went through my balance sheet as follows:
Why do I want to gamble?
* relieve boredom, escape from my mind, reduce my anxiety, make me happy in the moment.
But what will happen if I DID gamble?
* yes it would relieve the boredom, my anxiety levels would actually increase, I'd lose my money & gamble more than I can afford, I'd feel rubbish because I had let myself down, I'd feel angry that I had allowed gambling to take over, I'd be unhappy & I'd be skint!
As I haven't gambled all the negatives above have been replaced with feeling good about not giving in to my urges ? Off I go without spending money & treat myself to indulging in some Netflix.
25 day gamble free
Angel x
Well done you
Thank you for sharing your story Angel. I wish you so much luck. Your husband and family sound amazing and I really hope that you continue to have their support and the support of everyone on the forum. I have not yet had the courage to tell my partner as i fear he will not be quite as understand. Stay strong
I was doing so well until last night, when I had a lapse. I'm so angry with myself ?
I have alot of health issues which not only are chronic mental health problems but also a multitude of physical ones. Unfortunately this renders me living in constant pain, over the past 10 years my neurologist has prescribed me every course of treatment licenced and available on the NHS in the UK, including some which are not licensed here & had to be imported from another country. The biggest issue is that my body gets used to medications very quickly & quickly loses the ability to give me any kind of pain relief. My Consultant explained that this is quite a rare & unique condition (don't remember the name he called it) is to do with my genetics. Meaning people like myself just don't response very well to pain relief because we have a high pain threshold. So when the pain gets so unbearable I'm either suicidal or end up in the hospital.
Yesterday was very close to one of those days, I doubled up on my meds (don't take them regularly as explained above only when I'm desperate & the doubling up is within the safety measures, both my GP & consultants are aware of this) So Yesterday was so bad, I had two choices double up or worse, I chose to double up. Being so desperate I also opened the bottle of Baileys (I rarely drink) with my emotions & pain so high I reached for that online poison of mine, yes those dreaded slots! And due to drinking on top of my meds I had little concentration and deposited £200 in one hit instead of the £20 I had intended ?
Obviously I lost it all, along with the pride I had felt leading up to the incident. Still in a lot of pain this morning I broke down & told my husband what I had done when he was asleep! Although he put his arms around me & reassured me it was just a blip, I could see in his eyes he was hurt, very hurt & disappointed with me. That feeling knowing I have let him down is awful, i feel so c**P that i have done this to the man i love with all my heart & the man that is standing by me & supporting me! That feeling has pushed my mind to have a word with itself. I don't want to see that look in his eyes again & the only way to avoid that, is not to let my emotions get the better of me. That is the only trigger for me & always has been... My emotions! Gambling Adverts, high street bookies none of that bothers or triggers me, it the sad, upset & angry emotions that find me gambling, I'm discovering its a way to not listen or deal with my emotions, it's easier to gamble & forget instead of working through those difficult thoughts & feelings. There is a positive side of that though, it is that I am fully aware of my triggers & its not something I can avoid its something I am having to lear to control. The mental health team have referred me for psychotherapy, this will help with my emotional BPD & this is something that the National Problem Gambling Clinic are helping with too by suggesting coping strategies & mindfulness.
Writing this is a way of putting that slip up to bed and moving forward from it, I need to look at the bigger picture & see just how far I have actually come & how much money I've saved for NOT gambling for those 28 days. If you are still here thank you for reading.
Best wishes
Angel x
I feel for you i really do, but that wont help you.
After each of my own relapses i would feel more depressed and my self esteem would evaporate. The lesson was staring me in the face for decades i just could not see it in myself. What i am getting at is that if i reacted badly to the relapse as i always would, it would then be months or even years until i tried to stop again. Just like the gambling the relapse has got to be put firmly in the past! Your mindset and outlook somehow have to be fixed into a positive and can do attitude. At some point all of us WILL have a moment when things click, but if you don`t get back on that horse then you may miss the opportunity of the non gambling and life in general clicking into place. You can do it you really can, don`t ever stop trying. It WILL happen.A few tweeks here and there and i think you will shock yourself.
Just like the gambling have a plan for the pain too when it gets to much.
I cant wait to hear of you smashing this addiction.
Stay strong and good luck.
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