Sick of Being Sick

Michael,

I think we all know how you feel but there is hope for al of us. Commit yourself to your diary and to stopping gambling for good. I have kids as well and like you would be devastated to find out as young adults they have turned to gambling but we can rid this of our lives in time so that while growing up they don't relate gambling with their dad. I have wasted enough of my time and my family's time on this evil and look forward to a future where I understand the value of my money and the time that I spend with my kids.

Make the decision to stop now and put everything into it. Put as much time and energy into your diary as you did into gambling.

Good luck.

Tomso.

Every time you come back you haven't failed, you're one step closer to stopping for good. Many people come and go here, it's the ones that stick it out that will succeed. Don't give up on this.

Wish you well,

Alex

I am just sick of this i dont even beleive myself anymore. I am giving up because life is cr** with gambling in it and I honestly can function without it. I justify it for managing stress and to be honest thats it sick sick sick of it. I am just a degenerate accept that and I can move on.

Gambling causes stress and I used it as a stress reliever too. What a joke, when you think about it. Gambling like we do/did is self harm. There are obviously other issues going on, which you need to look at. For me, a reason I got sucked in was two deaths in the family and some problems with money and debt. Gambling was used as an escape at first, then it spiraled into addiction. Yet, like I did and others, you can get out.

You have to dedicate yourself to this. There is no 'one last bet'. You have to make the choice to stop and move on, or continue having the misery that comes with being a compulsive gambler.

You are not a degenerate. You are a human being with human problems. Problems have solutions.

Well done for coming back, Michael. Wish you the best on your journey here.

Hiya Michael great to have you on the thread and great to see you've started a diary. You've said how horrible gambling is and that you feel sick doing it. I feel exactly the same, we all do. If you ever look at my diary you'll see it's full of slip ups, some small, some huge. That's the addiction its a powerful one. I remember when I was betting on horses and about £100 down I saw that the roulette machine had gone all black numbers on the screen so I thought gotta be red - £100 on that gets my money back. Put the money in and yes red - look down, I'd bet on black. You do stupid things when gambling and I left £200 down saying I was down because I did some stupid not because I'm an addict. There was always an excuse with me.

Anyway forget bloody gambling your making a great decision coming back on here and stick to your diary, posting as often as you can on here and to others will really help.

It's a pleasure to have you on the thread and I hope that it can really start you off on the right foot and get you some good distance from the gambling world. Just stay positive and remember why your doing this. Remember all the bad that gambling brings but dont let it get you down to much. Be excited and proud that your taking the right steps to fix that problem.

Take care Michael, see you at the first check in!!

Well tomorrow is going to be Day 1, I have moved out of home which is not a nice thing to have to do. But if I am going to be serious about this I am going to have to commit. I honestly can't make a recovery and living at home work at the same time. I don't know why now I am on my own I feel so much calmer time to think get myself sorted I am sure my wife is not happy about this. But I don't think I have a choice stop gambling and return home or keep gambling and I am already gone. My choice your move Michael

Welcome to Day 1 I am currently living in my office on a sofa bed and that is where my life begins as I seek to find the way back. My wife is not happy about this but I have little choice as I can't keep doing this to everyone. I am just going to concentrate on getting better.

I like your approach to this, Michael. Bit different, but anything that will give you space and time to think is good.

Your last sentence says it all. I'm happy for you.

Alex

I spoke to a member of GA tonight and we had a good long conversation. A few home truths about how little I put into the organization. Leaving Early arriving late not being secretary ( i would have to stay off 90 Days:) But I got the gist I have no friends in GA not do I make any I think they are daft but I do like some of them. He also said I am very blaise about gambling like its something I can opt in and out of. I hate to say it a I agree. But how do I change. I am doing this wrong and I need to figure out how to do this right or well hang in when the going gets tough. I want recovery but am not doing the work nor is recovery the most important part of my life. This is easier said than done. good night all.

I have been thinking a little about where I am where I have come from. I am not afraid of gambling and what it will do to me. That is the big difference in where I once was and where I am now. I feared what gambling would do me and it has all come to pass. I am now suicidal when I gamble my mind is clogged up and I barely feel anything for my wife and baby. This can't be right I am so completely anesthetized to life. Where I once was and where I am now just so completely different. I am just a mess I cannot tolerate anything and gambling is sucking the life blood out of my life. I do just want to end it all and make it stop. I don't have a problem but in a couple of weeks I will forget where I was and start doing the wrong thing all over again.

I have been reading some of my old diaries more like scanned them. I am simply repeating myself constantly. I talk about the same things and its the same problems. So if I look at things logically I am just doing the same thing over and over again and I don't even expect a different result I just convince myself that I will be able to get out unscathed but the truth is I am not getting out unscathed I am been eaten live. My head is completely mush. I cannot enjoy life and I wonder why. Gambling is sucking the will to live out of me. I am just going to write down where I have come from now and If you want to stop reading please do as its pretty boring I just to rehash for myself everything. I really started gambling when I was in boarding school. I could not even make my exams I was so wrapped up I could not even make my exams let alone study. I had to repeat I gave up for 10 days to manage them. I made university and then I did not attend I just spent all my time gambling and had to hitch home most weeks due to having no money. I just kept rolling around doing this for years and then I messed up so bad one day that I hid in a rehab centre and I actually got 2 and a half years of sobriety where I met my now wife and managed to go on holidays and get a business started. I then went back I gambled more than ever just stopping and starting every three months I now have a baby I am a mess. God help me

Well I am still here no bet I have had a good day with my wife and baby. Hopefully one of many gambling has just ripped the life out of me. I have had so many money scrapes I have stolen from my parents friends in the past and now I am beginning it all over again. I feel suicidal as soon as the cra P hits the fan. I honestly ask what good does gambling do me. If anyone can tell me please do. It takes up all my time, makes me eat too much, takes my concentration, make me moody, irrational and very introverted. That is what it does and I ask why nothing else makes me steal lose my money and feel suicidal. Yet I think I get away unscathed . I must be some Idiot

So gambling is just a pasttime where I am going to win or lose a small few quid. I was thinking last night about the time in my life before I gambled nothing seem complicated I wasnt the best at anything. I never had pressure to succeed this thing will kill me if I keep going of that I am sure. Each time I get worse more suicidal more depressed. I have nothing bar my family due to gambling. I am going to lose them too if I keep this up. I have gone so far over the edge I did not realize there was an edge. I simply have two choices stop gambling see what happens keep gambling and watch my life go down the toilet. Gambling is a disaster as most of the time things don't go wrong straight away they take time but the do go wrong eventually

Good morning Michael,

Don't be so hard on yourself.Clearly you understand what gambling does to you, why to keep destroying your life more? There is always the light at the end of the tunnel, and it might seem you left all alone in this world to deal with your problems - you not, there are people around who cares. You have a lovely family, concentrate on them as well as yourself. It's not easy road to take, it will be ups and downs with your emotions, but that's normal, we all get that, it' s life. As further you go, the more you learn. Don't look back, you can't change the past, but future is in your hands and everything is possible! I understand how low you might feel, i was the same, but start seeing counsellor which is very helpfull, would you think about it?

Please stay close to this site, tons of help here

Take care Michael and keep looking forwards

Sandra