Some of my story

I’m 22 days gamble free today. 

Ive been a compulsive gambler for 4 years. 3 times I relapsed. 

1st time I come clean about my addiction was when I went to go purchase a birthday present for son and got declined due to my bank statements ( full of gambling). 

2nd time a few months after I promised my partner a car after he passed his test. He booked an appointment to get a car on finance and again my bank statements let me down ( full of gambling). He had to call and cancel the appointment ?. 

3rd time Few months later I thought ok I’m in control, learned my lesson, set deposit limits blah blah blah. I had so many accounts open and some didn’t have limits set, I thought it’s fine. 

This time my bank balance let me down ☹️ A mother of 3 and a wife and I had gambled almost all of our money away. 

Kids where needing clothes and shoes, cupboards where practically empty and no money for nothing. 

That was the biggest eye opener for me. I haven’t just let my partner or my son down but my whole family. Almost every day I was telling myself I’ve no money when I did and I had gambled it not knowing my family really needed things. 

Last week my daughter came to me and said she needed new shoes, the bottoms where hanging of for goodness sake and I panicked, I had no money for shoes and she really needed them. She never said anything as she was under the impression there was no money for shoes because of bills and things. I had to give her a pair of mine until my partner got paid and got her some of her own. I felt so sick to my stomach, being the money holder for the family it’s my job to provide these things and I had been gambling it and making myself sick and my children going without. I failed my family. 

That was my turning point. Everyone around me was suffering and I didn’t realise. All day every day straight after work I would sit and gamble, no clue what was going on around me. Only moving to get a cuppa or kids fed or sorting them for bed ☹️ I was lost. 

By the end of every night I was white as a sheet after the long day of constant gambling. Sometimes if I won I just wanted it gone so I could end the session, waste it all away instead of withdrawing it as I knew I would stay up all night playing so I gambled it all away, raised the stakes, making myself deliberately lose it all so I could rest and get out that zone, I was drained and sick, I had enough. Even worse waking up in the morning, but come the afternoon I was always ready to waste the money away again. It was an every day thing for me. Always lost more than I won. And if I had a decent win I just couldn’t withdraw I just had to play. 

I knew I was sick but didn’t realise how bad or if there was even any really help out there for someone like me. That’s when I turned to Gamcare, I seen them at the bottom of one of my sites and reaches out to them for help.  They where there for me, they helped me put an end to this nightmare life I’ve been living in. They helped me do what I couldn’t do and exclude me from all the badness. I just couldn’t push that button and I tried so many times. I had so many accounts open I couldn’t control any of them and they done it for me ?? I thank them so much ?? also the support on here is unbelievable, I’m not alone. 

22 days gamble free and I feel amazing in myself, my family now have what they need and I have come clean to family and friends about everything and it’s great knowing they all know as I can also talk to them when ever about everyday feeling going through this with their support and not hiding it. 

Bank balance isn’t making drastic changes due to bills etc but I do see it building slowly. The hardest thing I’m finding right now is what to do with my time, my everyday routine for 4 years had been gambling, now I don’t know what to do with my time. Kids do what they are doing and I usually wander around the house feeling lost and the thought and guilt of my gambling past just haunts me. Hopefully that will pass eventually. 

It hurts me everyday that I let things get to this point after realising I had a problem the first time and letting my own son down. I’m so filled with the guilt I haven’t had any urges to gamble but I do still think about it, that I cannot help but I am fighting everyday through this and I will not give in. Everyday gamble free is a winning day for me and I feel so good about it and it cost me nothing to feel this way ?? 

Anyways this is a bit of my 4 years gambling story, there is a whole lot more to it but this is long enough I’m sure. 

Please everyone who reads this that has a gambling problem, don’t let things get to where I am today. I’m not in as bad a situation as most but its bad enough. Take control, get help, be the winner everyday fighting this addiction, it won’t cost you a penny for your happiness and your life back. Release the grip this addiction has on you and make it suffer, don’t feed it no more. Only we can put and end to it. One day at a time. 

Wish you all well and the best of luck for the future gamble free ? what a lovely thought ehh  ??

thanks for reading, be strong ?