STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Well done on your 40 star... Smashing it!

DAY 40. Today as not been a good day. I broke down in primark (seriously of all places) and just had a meltdown. It's the first time I have been into town since early December as I was too unwell to go out. I woke up very sad this morning. Extremely sad. My friends child has its 6th birthday today... We were pregnant at the same time but tragedy struck for me and thank goodness she went on to have her beautiful baby but it's times like these that kill me inside. My other sadness was that my neighbour passed away ( drugs) and leaves behind her kids. We weren't close but the sadness I feel that those children have lost their mother is indescribable. Anyway I had to go town to sort my bank card out and it was just quicker to walk through primark than to go all the way round... As I walked through the ladies department I picked up a really pretty blouse and all of a sudden tears stung my eyes. I realised I couldn't buy this blouse because I had no money. No because I had gambled because I haven't ( I used my entire salary on things that needed paying ) but because I literally do not have one extra penny because of gambling like a crazy person the recent months. I sobbed. I felt anger and frustration and I hated myself in that moment and I still do now. It all became way too much. I went to the bank looking like c**P and was in and out in ten minutes. I then got into my car and DROVE ALL THE WAY TO THE CASINO. I parked my car looking up at this building and crude some more but this time it was an anger cry. I don't know why I drove there, I'm excluded so I can't enter it and I didn't even try but I just wanted to see it. I know it sounds stupid and I feel soooooo stupid for doing it and wasting my time but I just didn't know what else to do. I wasn't there long, just long enough to curse the place over and over in my head then left and drove to the cemetery. It was freezing, it's always extra cold there maybe because it is such an open space. I sat on the bench by my girl while my tears almost turned into icicles! I know I need to forget the losses and move on. I know that money is never coming back but that doesn't take away the fact that I'm still struggling because of it now. I spent that money that I need so bad and I'm in this situation because of that foolish mistake/mistakes I made. I'm gutted I felt that I could pay so many debts at once and now I am penniless until pay day. It's all just got too much for me to handle. Today has been a struggle, I just want to curl up into a ball and not get back up until everything is ok again. It's going to take months to dig myself out of this hole I've dug and I just hope that I find the strength before I go completely crazy! One of the hardest things is keeping all of this inside and being a different person when the kids get home so that they don't see or wonder why mum is so upset. This afternoon my excuse (but it's true) is that I have a terrible migraine. They know I suffer from awful tension headaches and understand that I just need to be in my room in the dark. When will this end guys? When will things get better? When will I start living again? When will I start smiling again? When will I find myself again? I can't promise you anything today. I simply have no energy left. I'm so tired and stressed out I don't even have the energy to lift my arm and put my hand on my heart..... xx sad Star xx

Wow star,

So good that you come here and poured your feelings out. I hope it helped you to calm down a little.
Sounds like you're going through hell with emotions, but you know what - keep going!...keep pushing until you out the other side and i assure you there is other side.

You have a lot of heartache, grief is so visible to see, and i wish i could take some of your pain away, i truly do..

I start reading some spiritual material...don't know why, maybe i finally realised that i need something higher to help me to concur my fears and regrets.
Maybe worth a try?

Sometimes we need to reborn within ourselves in order to see the road ahead.

You're doing brilliantly, maybe you don't see it today, but tommorow you might even be thankful for today, ..for this opportunity to let some pain go..it's all about cleaning your soul...it's scary but it's for the better.

Well done for staying safe and 40 days of freedom is amazing start in this long life journey.

Things will be better and clearer, please keep talking..it helps.

San x

Hey star...what a day you've had my sweet....if you hold the on/off switch in on a kettle...it boils and boils.....and that's what happened today I think....I can't begin to imagine the heartbreak of your loss love...but as a mother and nanny I can only say my heart goes out to you....please don't beat yourself up .....you are doing a grand job....and I can understand how you ended up at the casino...it's where you felt safe....where you went to zone out.....but you didn't go in honey....so that's amazing....I know what it's like to be skint....can you 're arrange payments etc...maybe allowing you a bit more to live on...just a thought....I hope you feel a bit better after the kettle boiled...and a good old cry....praying you have a peacefull weekend x

Hey star...what a day you've had my sweet....if you hold the on/off switch in on a kettle...it boils and boils.....and that's what happened today I think....I can't begin to imagine the heartbreak of your loss love...but as a mother and nanny I can only say my heart goes out to you....please don't beat yourself up .....you are doing a grand job....and I can understand how you ended up at the casino...it's where you felt safe....where you went to zone out.....but you didn't go in honey....so that's amazing....I know what it's like to be skint....can you 're arrange payments etc...maybe allowing you a bit more to live on...just a thought....I hope you feel a bit better after the kettle boiled...and a good old cry....praying you have a peacefull weekend x

It's good to let those tears out Star. It may not feel like it right now, but it really is important to release all that pent up emotion. If you don't let it out, it eats you up inside. I can't tell you when it will start to feel better and I can't promise you that you'll never have difficult days like today. But the further away you get from the gambling demons the easier it will become.

I know about loss and the searing pain it causes, but I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you to lose your daughter. When we lose someone precious to us it leaves a big hole...a void that we try to fill with other things. I filled my void with gambling, my friend has filled the gap left by her husband with shopping and my cousin escapes the loss of her son with countless holidays and endless decorating. None of us want to be left with our feelings. I don't know whether your gambling is connected to the loss of your child. Please forgive me if I'm off base with that thought. But it must be very hard when you are reminded of your loss by the birthdays of your friends children. It isn't fair and sometimes there is no reason. As mad as it may sound, I really believe that going to that freezing cold cemetery was better for you than going into the casino.

Stick with it, keep working at it and there will come a time when the rain stops falling and the sun begins to shine again.

LifeBegins x

Oh star my lovely what a horrible day you have had!! Can I just remind you that you are on day 40 of being gamble free! You have a lovely holiday booked and money in your pot to put towards it! These my lovely are all positive things that you have achieved so that is something to smile for and give yourself a pat on the back xx - how did you feel being outside 'that place' that place that you often left in tears, that place that made you sad. Star please don't be sad now, you are doing so well at not gambling, I know things are going to be difficult for you for a while longer. You are paying your debts off, they are decreasing and not increasing. Nothing will ever take your pain away from loosing your baby girl, she will be giving you a hug from heaven today xxxxx

Thank you all. Today was one of the toughest so far 🙁 managed to have a little knapp this afternoon as I thought my head was going to explode!!! When I was outside that place I wanted to go in. If I could have then I'm pretty sure I would have!!! My pain won't ever go away. It's a part of my life that I just have to learn to deal with. Right now that place will always feel like a get away place for me and it's the first place I want to run and hide at when times like these hit!! I need to find somewhere new to place hide and seek. I need to find something else to try and make myself feel better when I have my very low days. Today I wanted to gamble and that adds to my sadness tremendously. If I could have I would have but luckily I didn't because I couldn't! I guess I should be proud that I didn't come straight home and open an online account..... It doesn't appeal to me at all and it's something that I can say I will never do, anyway I didn't even have the pennies to buy myself a pretty top so opening an online account would be a waste of time. I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day. I'm away this weekend so if I'm quiet or I don't post please don't panic and think I have given in and gambled.... Thank you all so much. I don't know how I would cope without you all xx star xx

Your diary is being used for what it is meant for. Sometimes I feel like a kid who had found his sisters diary and sneaks a read it's so honest no holding back

With the debts they is no point pushing to pay it off sooner it won't help you, it might even have the opposite effect and make you look for a quick fix.

Have you spoke to step change they will help you set up a plan that will let you still have a life financial, yes it might take a bit longer to pay everything back but I'd rather longer period of being able to get by with something left for the good things in life rather than a shorter period of just surviving. Give them a call if you haven't they can give you an option and you can see if you think it will work for you

KTF star hopefully you have a little strength back to lift that arm up

Hi Star.

Please be assured that things will definitely become better with each gamble free day you clock up. You are doing a great job.

I agree with Oldham about thinking about paying your debts off over a longer period with StepChange. I am with them and although it will take me years, it is interest free and if I ever receive any money or sell my house, I can pay it off sooner. I just don't even think about the amount of debt I owe, other than, each month, It becomes a little less and that is good enough for me.

Once you get the first couple of months over with, you will be able to treat yourself again. I know how you feel about not wanting anyone to know. I was the same but I was so lucky to have the support from my sister, both emotionally and financially. She lent me money and because I abstained from gambling for almost two and a half years, I was able to pay her back every penny. It felt so good too. It doesn't matter how long it takes do try to not let that get to you anymore.

Take care of that heart of yours.

Feb.

Hi star sorry you had a bad day but we'll done on kicking Mr evil addiction back in his box. Hope you have a lovely weekend hun to xx

Hey star...just dropped in to say....have a great weekend away....'re charge your batteries.. stay safe xxxx

Keep going star and keep strong, you are doing just fine:))

Suzanne xxx

Hey star....you ok out there....hope so sweetheart...cxx

DAY 37! Feels like 1037. If I had the money I would be gambling right now, no doubt about it and I probably wouldn't even care to think of the self destruction it would cause. I had some absolutely devastating news yesterday. I couldn't gamble as I had no money so I drank myself silly instead. 3/4 of a litre of alcohol. It numbed the pain but of course I was as sick as a dog and the pain returned bit by bit the more sober I became. Luckily my children were at their fathers but apparently I was sobbing because I wanted them near me. This s**t doesn't get easier. Life is so so so cruel and so unfair. I want to gamble, not to lose money but to lose myself for a little while. I'm suppose to be returning to work next week and although I'm not looking forward to it I think it's the best thing for me. There's way too much time to think at home and right now I need to keep my brain busy. I'm hoping that I will be in a position on payday to sign up to the gym again, I need to get this anger and frustration out somehow. I may even benefit by becoming fitter and stronger as right now I am a weak nothing. Love the people that love you, tell them you love them and no matter how much your kiddies annoy you and make you angry, tell them you love them every single day because tomorrow is never promised. Xx Star xX