STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hey star...I was getting worried....so sorry you have had such bad news....and then have had to fight such terrible urges....I can understand why you hit the bottle....sending you a massive hug...and hope tomorrow is a better one...think of your lovely kids....sleep tightx

Thank you loxxie, you are so sweet xxx

Hi star,

Echoing Loxxie here and hope you will wake up to more calmer day. Life can be very unfair and you are right in saying that we don't know what's round the corner. We have to appreciate what we have here and now and that is definitely the main focus for every individual.
You are a lovely, caring person...you are fighting this fight and looking after the ones you care about.
You have a lot on your hands...show yourself some kindness dear soldier...keep breathing and try to stay calm while you're going through these emotions.
You cannot change the fate, but you can appreciate here and now dear friend and that's what you are doing in buckets.

Sending you a big hug...stay strong and keep talking. You are in my thoughts

Sandra

Hey star...hope today is a kinder one for you...xxx

Hey star....hope your still twinking away out there....xxx

Hello Star. I also think it will be good for you to get back to work. Spending to much time in ones head can be tricky to say the least.

Your far from weak so you need to banish that thought. S****e does happen in life and there's that old saying ' what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger ' And you indeed come across as a strong good mum. So look after you and the rest will take care of it self...

DAY 42!! I've not posted for a few days as I've been busy dealing with things and seeing family. It was SO hard trying to be normal and faking a smile when inside I'm feeling very mixed up an emotional. I was speaking with my dad and he said he didn't get why I was in so much debt and that I must be doing something wrong somewhere. I froze!! Part of me wanted to tell him right there and then, get it out in the open but of course I didn't. Instead I lied. I hate lies and liars!! But this is what gambling does to people. I felt really deflated. I wanted him to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok but how could he when he doesn't even know? I then visited my grandparents who made me promise I wouldn't take any gifts or flowers because £5 was too much to waste on flowers when I could be saving it for a rainy day. I nearly choked on my coffee! £5 is nothing. £50 is nothing. £500 is nothing..... To me Apparently!! I then visited my aunt ... My uncle was cheesed off because 2 Asos parcels and 2 next parcels had arrived that week , my aunt laughed and said she works hard so why should she enjoy the nice things? I was crying inside. If these people knew the damage I had done.... And also because I could be doing those things but of course I can't just yet. Maybe in a few months time the light will appear at the end of the tunnel but right now that tunnel is still pretty d**n dark. You can probably tell I have no oumff, no get up and go. I'm just down and sad and angry and frustrated. It's pay day end of next week and still I'm in no position to be spending willy nilly because I'm still trying to recover from the mess I caused. I know things will get better ( they can't get any worse!) but I'm a very impatient person and I want them to be better now. I think of gambling on a daily basis. I day dream of gambling. I still think £20 won't hurt but I also know that it won't stop at £20 and I can't go there. I must go there. I'm a little tired of keeping my hand on my heart but I promise I will try and keep it there........... XxStarxx

Hello Star, I know it gets tiring with keeping your hand on your heart but soon you will see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Its about being true to yourself and your posts alway imply that.

Your right lies are not nice, sometimes if there white lies there ok, othertimes they can keep us trapped in addiction. You probably wont like this but i imagine your dad does know somethings amiss with his littel Star but he's probably joining the wrong dots and by telling him, it will be both empowering for you and him.... Just a thought.

It sounds like your grandparents and aunt have got the relationship with money right and understand its not the be all and end all. We gamblers tend to lose what working and money is all about as we deludedly think a jackpot will give us happiness.

Keep moving forward and keep being you, the tears inside are healing and just realease them externally slowly.

Have a good day

Hi star hun I'm sorry your feeling so down ( big hugs) sorry you have had bad news and hun your not a weak nothing you are a caring lovely person who has been dealt some horrible stuff along with the evil addictionx how can you be weak when you have not gambled for 43 days??? You are so supportive with other people on here and to me and others that means so much hun xxx I hope you are feeling a bit better take care xxx

Hey star,

It is tough Hun, I think you feel low because of all the money you have wasted and you now realise you are not going to get it back and to gamble even a tenner won't work because you won't stop at that win or lose,

It must be hard not being able to tell your DAd about why you have no money, but I totally understand, I don't know what my Dad would have thought I really don't, he was strict and of old school :))

What you are feeling is honestly normal, at this time, you are very nearly thst lovely milestone of 50 days.:))

It will get easier girl, try and not think too much of what you have lost, think of what you are now winning, and that is your life back

the addiction will hate that and you will get unexpected bonus happy days, as soon as you let go, things will slowly but surely turn around and be even better than before,:))

Keep strong and keep going, and ofcourse keep winning:))

Suzanne xxx,

Hi Star , just wanted to throw my support at cha! And say I think your doing really well and 43 days is a big deal Hun ! You're right when you say about being impatient, I think all CG's are like that , we want the quick fix , the quick win and the quick return that's gonna make us rich in a short space of time and as we know that doesn't work for us , we then realise when we stop this madness that life is about slowly and surely until we get to where we want to be and to achieve our dreams . Be patient honey and it will come ! Take care of yourself , little steps !

Oh Star how far you have come I remember the first time I bumped into you on here. It was in chat with you sat in your car in a very bad place after having a bit of a binge. After a few false starts your now 43 days in.

It was at this stage my friend Alan pointed out to me that if I'd gambled just £10 for 43 day days that was £430,

43 days @ £20 is £860

43 days @ £50 is a d**n lot of money

43 days of winning sound better than 43 days of losing

KTF

Thanks guys. You really are all wonderful. I know 100% that if I didn't have your support I wouldn't have even reached day 2. I'm very grateful xxx thanks again and again again....... Star xx

DAY 43. Been think a lot about the conversation I had with my dad. I've imagined telling him in many different ways and also imagined the different outcomes.... All not very good. You see if I tell him now then he would know I have lied to him for many months as to why I have no money. How would he ever trust me again? My dad was a gambler and I mean he spent thousands in one night on roulette.... He still gambles now but probably only around £300-£400 a week and mostly on horses and football. I just don't think I can do it. His little girl wouldn't be squeaky clean anymore and it would kill me to see his disappointment:-( I've struggled with thoughts today and got myself into a panic thinking how am I going to finish paying for my summer holiday that's booked. I still have £400 odd pounds to pay by the end of March plus a special birthday to buy for the beginning of March..... And you wonder why I keep thinking of the money I lost! To top things off I had a txt message from my bank that 2 direct debits that were due to come out today didn't because of insufficient funds and that the money had to be in by 4pm to stop any charges. Panic hit me, I have no cash, no available money then it hit me.... My money pot. It gutted me so bad but I had no choice but to carefully try and take the money out with tweezers bit by bit. The only other option was to smash it but I couldn't do that as the pot was a gift from my kids and that was our holiday money pot. Tears streamed down my face while I released this money from the pot but what else could I do? Turns out there wasn't enough in there for both direct debits so I will still get charged anyway. Today I didn't miss the slots. Today I didn't want to gamble. Today I hated my machine. Today I was angry and extremely P****d off with that place. It's going to be a struggle for a few more months but hopefully by the end of this year it will all be water under the bridge. I'm hoping so anyway! I'm back to work tomorrow ( only a couple of hours today) after a long sickness and although I'm almost petrified of facing reality again I also think it's going to do me the world of good. It will keep my mind occupied and it will keep me busy with hopefully less time to stress about all this. I still worry about bailiffs knocking at my door, my phone rings constantly and I don't answer... I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of living like this. One day maybe I will be able to answer my front door again instead of freezing when someone knocks. Maybe il be able to answer calls too. Who knows what's just around the corner for us all. Today I can say with my hand on my heart I'm tired of living this way and I really want to change. For the better of course. Sleep tight my friends xx Star xx

Hi Star have you thought about calling step change they helped me and have helped many others. They will help deal with your bents and set up a plan that will allow you to survive. Give them a call you don't have to commit to it just see what they say.

Looking in for the outside your Dad could be the ideal person to tell. Yes he will be upset And might be disappointed like my parents were but they was more disappointed that I never told them when i was in trouble. That's how my experience went but you know you Dad better than me lol

KTF