STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hi star sounds like you've had a difficult day today. At least you can see that this period is not going to last forever. You have done amazingly well staying away from 'that place'. You just imagine what position you could have been in and how much worse you would be feeling. It is hard, we all need money to live, it's good that you can see it's going to take time for it all to become better. But it will star. Onwards and upwards xx wcid

Hi star

I have just spent the last hour glued to your diary. I can't imagine the pain your past has caused you but much of your panic and distress with regards to the loses, debt and impatience ring true.

I remember the first time I made it to 40 odd days and feeling like it was never ending. I was unsuccessful that time but I'm sure with your hand on your heart you will succeed. You are doing amazing and so strong to have made such progress in such a short time. Remember this when feeling low.

I myself have now just started counselling through gamcare and am already feeling much more support and positivity. when I first agreed to go I wept, and was terrified at the thought of admitting it face to face to a stranger. But I recognise now that it's one more step in the right direction, helping me deal with all of the associated emotions.

Sending you positive thoughts and kindness and wishing you a better day tomorrow. You deserve it. 1 day at a time it will get better

Star , just my two penny worth but I think your dad may understand better than many , for one thing your still his little girl however old you are and I don't think as a dad of a 30 yr old daughter myself that ever changes , also the fact that he gambled himself gives you that extra common ground and there's no one that knows a gambler like another gambler ! Worth a shot honey and you might be surprised! Take care Star x

Thank you all. Your input means so much. I read all our daily struggles and also many successful stories and that's what keeps me going xx

Hi Star,

A good point from Oldham above abour giving Stepchange a call. One monthly payment to them of which you can afford. No interest charges and no phone calls, letters or baillifs anymore.

I know it takes time to pay but once the debt is sorted its another weight off your mind.

You are doing fab despite all the circumstances so a big well done from me.

Take care x

DAY 46! Well tomorrow is payday...... Kind of nervous this time round as within the past few weeks there have been times that I have wanted to gamble but I didn't have the money to do so. Those strong urges are not with me today and I am praying that they won't return tomorrow knowing that there are now available funds. I say available but again there isn't much spare at all. I will probably have around £200 left to see me through to next pay day once all urgent debts have been paid. My mind has been kept busy since being back at work. I literally do not even have enough time to put the kettle on let alone think about gambling. That's a good thing right? At night when I get into bed my mind does wonder and I remember all the good and very bad days of my gambling days. I still miss that let me go a chill for an hour line although I realise now that all that place did was make me nervous and on edge. I knew as I walked up those stairs that I would leave a loser. I new I would walk back down those stairs in tears. I knew that I would do the walk of shame back to my car. I knew that I would come back home miserable at and depressed I knew all those things but still repeated them time and time again. It's funny because we drove past it about ten days ago and of course I looked and saw both my friends cars parked outside. I didn't feel jealousy at that point, I just felt pity for them because 99%?i knew that they would probably be leaving losers too. It's funny how our emotions change from dad to day. One day I just want to b there pushing that button and the next day the thought of my machine makes me sick! Recovery is a long process but are you ever truly recovered? Life works in mysterious ways and all it takes it just that one thing to lead you right back to the beginning again. That scares me. It scares me a lot! Still let's focus on today has been a good day and I can positively say that with my hand on my hard my salary won't be touched tomorrow..... Apart from the mountain of direct debits that will come out!!!!! Stay safe my friends xxStarxx

It is a roller coaster and I used to (and still do get really scared). But I keep telling myself it's ok to feel that way. It is scary, but we are doing it 🙂 1 day at a time.

Take care and stay strong star, you are brave and making a positive change for you x

Hey star...is it the big 50 tomorrow ?. ...hope you are ok love xx

DAY 1.... Don't blink. You didn't misread, it's back to day one. I'm not even gutted I'm just angry that other circumstances led me to gamble. I know it was my choice to do so but I know no different. I know no other release. I would rather not go into what made me gamble but let's just say my already shattered heart got shattered a little more. Did I enjoy gambling? No I didn't. Did I feel sick while I sat there? Yes I did. Did I want to stop, I don't really know but I think yes. I just felt like I should punish myself, that it was somehow MY fault that what happened happened and now this would be my punishment. I'm feeling a little numb still. I gambled until I could not gamble any longer but the damage was already done....... And now I will have to struggle even more so for another month. The strange thing is that before I travelled the distance to a new casino to gamble I went food shopping. I stocked up for a whole week. I put money into my children's accounts for the school week ahead and made sure I withdrew the rent and council tax money out because I KNEW that once I started to gamble it would be hard to stop. I KNEW that I probably wouldn't walk away until I had nothing left. That's what happened. All the other direct debits won't be paid this month so again I play catch up but that's ok. Only I am to blame. I am the fool that gets myself into this situation so here I go again. I'm sorry if you are disappointed in me, I'm disappointed with myself for s******g up all that hard work I did but if you knew WHY I did it, what drove me to gamble again then maybe you wouldn't be as hard on me. Today as usual after a screw up like this I have spent the whole day trying to get some funds together so make the damage seem a little less. I haven't gotten very far but I will continue tomorrow. It was kind of weird being in that environment again. Looking at new faces gambling. It scares me a little and I'm not sure I liked it too much, I'm not even sure I would return there again-strange huh?! Tomorrow would have been 50 whole days gamble free. 50 days! I lasted 48 days..... Now I have to start all over again. Thinking about it now I'm raging inside. Why did I let it beat me? Why have I let it destroy my soul again? Just because I gambled doesn't mean I wanted to do it today again. Even if I had won I wouldn't have gone back today or tomorrow or the day after. It just didn't feel normal anymore to be doing it, especially with strangers I didn't know. Today I also had a long think about how I need to do things for ME! So I found my local slimming club and will be joing this week...with the help of my 2p jar! I've drawn up a 30 day grid and everyday I'm going to cross it off. I'm taking the 30 day challenge.. Nobody will EVER make me feel worthless again... I can do this,right? Why didn't I enjoy my gambling binge this time around? Why aren't I devasted like all the times before I lost my money? Has this done me a favour? Has it proved to me that I was actually happier not gambling than gambling? Time shall tell I suppose. I'm working all week so at least I will be kept busy, not that I have ANY intention of going. It did nothing for me. I was just a saddo like the rest of them pushing a button. No feeling whatsoever other than the occasional what the f**k am I even doing here. The punch bag was a god send in the garden today. It felt great having time out for a few minutes at a time getting rid of this frustration... It comes and goes like the waves in the ocean. Things will get better I am sure, you cant get a rainbow without any rain,right? So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place but I'm better than this. I managed 48 whole days and nights so I know I can do it. Even if I manage to get to 49 next time round that's still an improvement...... I'm not going to beat myself up, I made another mistake and I'm sure I will make many more weather they are gambling related or not. I am only human after all. That hand on my heart did a good job for a fair while.. It's had a little rest and is all charged up and ready to rock n roll again. XxStarxX

Hey star...I'm not going to judge or show disproved my love....we are all one spin away from disaster....you have had to deal with so much heart ache....and you are trying to do it alone....but you've come back here and spilled the beans.....sending you a massive hug.... (((( ))))) xxx

Hi Star.

Tomorrow is a new day and with that comes new thoughts. Just live in the present and leave what happened behind.

Take care and keep running with this. It will definitely get better over time if you give it a chance once more.

Feb.x

Hey star, sorry but I did blink because I wasn't expecting a day 1. xx big hugs to you lovely. No one is going to judge you, no one has that right. You have done amazingly well and you will do it again. You are your own person star. Here's to day 2 xxxxx

Thank you all. Here I go again huh xx

Day 2.... Instead of the big 5 0! I can't believe how calm I have been today. I haven't beaten myself up over it like all those times before, I have accepted that I made a huge mistake doing what I did and that I must draw a line under it and move on. The only thing I'm gutted about are the bills that will be left unpaid. I feel kind of at peace today about the whole thing and it's freaking me out a little that I'm not going stir crazy! I ordered Allen carr's how to stop gambling book today. A few people had recommended it in the past so I thought I should finally give it a go. I'm looking forward to it arriving and I'm entrigued to see if it actually works! Have any of you read it? What are your thought? The reviews I read today seemed a little untrue-too good to be true kind of thing so I will let you all know how I get on with it. Now thinking that it's also time to maybe give step change a call... I just hate speaking to people like that and especially telling them my in and out goings etc it's like that's really kind of personal! Does anyone know what they allow you to still live on after all creditors have been paid? What are your experiences with them? Can't believe how positive I am feeling today.... Maybe this time will be different, who knows! Xx Star xX

Morning Star,

Stepchange will leave you a good amount over each month and actually incorporate some savings into your plan. You wont be left short and they also look at all outgoings includong shopping, fuel, car maintenance and entertainment. I felt a bit silly wjen i rang them but they were really helpful.

Glad to see you back and you know what you have to do.

Best wishes x