STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

DAY 4 done and dusted!

I am feeling soooo good. No major withdrawals or thoughts, still the same why did I do it thoughts that's all. I have kept myself busy today by trying to find a way to stay on level ground by giving all my creditors something little each month. If I'm honest this is what upsets me the most. The way I put £20 notes into a slot machine just like they were pieces of paper. 30 seconds later I would slide another 20 in there then another. Today I'm seeing who I can give £20 to just to keep them off my back. It's crazy how we can change. I don't like facing problems. I like to shut off and not have to think. I rarely open mail for fear of what's inside and I don't answer numbers I don't know in case it's someone else after money.. But I can quite easily keep sliding those £20 notes in a slot machine. I really feel that things have changed but I understand it's early days and things could go t**s up but since I have no access to money that's highly unlikely for now! Bring on day 5... With my heart on my heart I will not gamble tomorrow. Star xx

Hi Star, thanks for dropping by...Apologies if you felt abandoned but I've not been posting quite so much lately!

Good to see you taking such positive steps & I hope the counselling comes through very soon...I really think with what you have been through that this will be hugely beneficial! Recovery is incredibly hard to sustain on willpower alone & the feelings of disgust you have now are unlikely to last.

Keep pushing through the rain - ODAAT

Hey star day four done and dusted! Looking forward to day 5 in the diary. Keep going lovely xx

Mother wcid x

Hi Star and welcome to the diary forum, :)))

Here's to day 5 getting done and dusted,

Keep positive and stay strong.

Suzanne xx

Morning Star,

Fab to see you posting regularly with good news.

Best wishes x

ODAAT wrote:

Hi Star, thanks for dropping by...Apologies if you felt abandoned but I've not been posting quite so much lately!

Good to see you taking such positive steps & I hope the counselling comes through very soon...I really think with what you have been through that this will be hugely beneficial! Recovery is incredibly hard to sustain on willpower alone & the feelings of disgust you have now are unlikely to last.

Keep pushing through the rain - ODAAT

ODAAT your back!!!! It's so good to hear from you. I have been looking out for you and was getting a little worried. Glad you are back xxx

Hey star that's another day ticked off xx mother wcid

Hey star it's day six!! Hope you can read this as I know your having problems posting. Your doing flippen fantastic!! xx much love mother wcid x

Day 6!!!!

I missed out on posting on day 5 as it wouldn't let me and to be honest I was rather P****d off as I had written a post almost as long as my arm!!! I got through yesterday absolutely fine ( day 5 ) I kept myself busy trying to make a few pennies out of my unwanted items. While doing this it got me thinking.. Here was me trying to do this when usually I wouldn't think twice about throwing money into a slot machine. It really made what I was doing worth while doing although in the past I have been know to do the same just so I could get a few extra quid to go to the casino and blow it within five minutes or so! Anyway that was yesterday's story. Today is a different story...........

.......... Day 6 today!!! Much different to day 1 2 3 4 and 5!! I spent all morning trying to tie up loose ends. Opening mail I should have opened many days even weeks ago and trying to deal with the problems that were now in front of me. I managed to sort these 'problems' out other than one. I was emotionally drained. Then I got some devastating news and like the flick of a switch all I wanted to do was get into my car, do the 40 minute or so drive and go find my slot machine. I realised that this is the way I think I make myself feel better. I know it's wrong but it's my escape. It took everything in me and I kept saying the words 'with my hand on my heart' in my head until the feeling passed. It didn't pass for a fairly long time but I didn't go. It's probably the first time ever I have not given in and that's a good thing, right? I realised today that this is going to be a looooong journey and I'm not going to just get better. It's going to take time. Lots of time. Tomorrow marks a week of not gambling a single penny. I have saved myself a small fortune already and that gives me reason to smile. With my hand on my heart tomorrow I shall not gamble. Star xxx

What can I do wrote:

Hey star it's day six!! Hope you can read this as I know your having problems posting. Your doing flippen fantastic!! xx much love mother wcid x

aww mum thanks for checking up on me and reminding me everyday just how well I am doing. Your support means so much, I can't thank you enough xx I really hope you are feeling better with your situation too xx Star

It's a great thing Star and a great day all round tackling the mail never easy but better to deal with it it ain't going anywhere

I used to dread it coming and even went as low as calling up from work with the pretence of checking if my son was ok while he was on his school holidays and asking him if any post had come and getting him to hide so the Mrs didn't see it. All out on the open now which is a great relief.

You keep it up and use them words with my hand on my heart

Hi oldhamktf! Arg! I dread the postman coming. Sometimes I'm say on the sofa and listen out for the sound of when the mail hits the floor. If it's a thud I generally know it isn't a good sign lol. What I would like more than anything is to get everything into some order so I can stop cursing the postman!! I don't answer unknown numbers either, it's really not a nice way to live. I'm guessing you felt a whole load better having everything out in the open and I totally get you asking your boy to hide the mail. One day this nightmare will be over, right? You take care. Star X

Hey star day 7 a full whopping week!!! Here's to day 8! xxxxx