STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Hi Suzanne and volcano. Thank you for your comments. It's all you guys that are helping me stay strong. All I/we can do is take one day at a time and hope we remain positive xx star xx

Today I think I did something stupid. My son had the privilege of getting poo'd on by a bird, while he found this rather gross he also felt that it must be his lucky day! I had to go to the newsagents to do my dads lottery and my son asked if he could do a lucky dip too. I didn't think much of it at the times, I was just amused that he felt really lucky lol. When in the newsagents he said actually he would rather two £1 scratch cards instead a. It wasn't until after I had paid with his money that I realised I had probably just made a huge mistake. We went home and he scratched the cards and lucky him, he won £5. In the next breath he adds that when we go to the paper shop in the morning he will exchange the winnings for another one. Now I am naturally a worrier. I Analyse everything and am not a very positive person at all. I always think the worst! I think I made a huge mistake in giving in to him but to him it was just a bit of fun. A novelty because he had never bought one before. He's asked on many occasions before if he could scratch my cards but I have always refused. I really hope that I haven't started something here. I don't want him to spend his money on things like that because he won the first time. Do you think I'm wrong for allowing him to buy one? Do you think I'm over stressing? Kids!! On a brighter note it's day 17 for me. Whoop woop. It's gone fast but oh so slow lol. I must confess I did spend £6 on the euro tonight but to me that's not gambling and I only ever do it if it's a roll over lol, someone has to win it right?! I don't have much else to say this evening. I'm still feeling pretty c**P with the flu and my dad is in hospital so spent most of the day there as I will do tomorrow. It's safe to say that with my hand on my heart I will not have time to gamble tomorrow xx Star xx

Hi Star.

Hope your dad recovers well. Its lovely that you are able to be there for him at this time.

With regards to the lottery. Before I started "gambling", I used to do the lottery sporadically. At most, it would be £3.00 as and when I did it. I decided that I would still do the lottery when I had been doing my diary for some time.

I think it's all about self control, rather than beating ourselves up about doing a few lines on the lottery every now and then. As you say, someone has to win and it may just give us a little bit of hope for just a few pounds. I also did the euro tonight, spending just £2 but again, having the self control to just be able to do this, whilst not thinking of any other form of gambling, is the important thing. Even if I/we did think about gambling further, the important thing is not acting upon these thoughts. Have them, YES, act upon them NO!

So Star, be happy for what you have achieved so far, especially at such a stressful and worrying time for you.

Take care and keep that hand very close to your heart.

Feb.

Great work on all those gamble free days. Its taken a huge amount of willpower and guts to get where you are now. I recall pretty much my first week in recovery you entering the chat area and being on the diaries in a horribe state of mind after a relapse (sorry if thats a painful memory i brought back).i say that just to highlight that i see so much more positivity in your renewed efforts. I havent really made a whole bunch of posts but im following your diary and rooting for you.

On the scratch card topic, you clearly said you didnt think about it at the time when you purchased them for your son, but have done since. I dont think its a good idea but then you said it wasnt really decided and just kinda happened. You dont have to tell your whole story or go into the ins and outs of it with your son, but I do think you need to avoid forming that habit and repeating or facilitating it ... Maybe put the money into savings or towards something he is keen to aquire, and just be honest and say they arent old enough to be buying tickets by law and so you dont want to encourage that however harmless he might see it as , when they are old enough they can decide for themsleves etc. As they mature and you feel its appropriate maybe you can signpost more clearly why you dont wish to encourage it. Dont obsess over it tho, its done and as a one off im sure its easily dealt with.

Hi star xx - stop worrying! I'm sure your son was just excited to be buying his first scratch card then winning was even more exciting. Your his mum you advise him what to do with his £5 winnings. You have done so well star from where you were! don't give yourself a hard time. Hope your dad is recovering well from his op. Big hugs, mother wcid xx

Hiya Star, I know you were in quite a flap about this last night. May I ask how old your son is?

To be frank I doubt you have anything to worry about. I used to love scratching the free cards that came with the TV guide etc as a youngster, it's just a novelty.
That said, it is worrying that he won. A lot of gamblers get the bug early, I was the same - early teens - playing the 5p slots in the arcade with my Dad. As a kid I didn't realise that those low value machines pay out all the time, and as soon as I was old enough to go out in town I assumed the 18+ fruit machines would be the same. WRONG. Back then they were 25p a play and £25 jackpot, and they got every last bit of my wages every week.

If you are concerned, make up a bit of a horror story about a "friend" who got addicted to buying scratch cards and lost their house or something. Really lay it on thick. I don't know what the odds on those things are, I recall about 4 losers to 1 winner it used to be? But make it clear it ain't guaranteed to make money.

My Mum buys scratch cards at Christmas for every place setting as a little gift for all the guests at Christmas dinner - whether child or adult - so seriously don't panic about it, but if it is really worrying you that you've planted a seed, get creative on that story telling.

Keep at it, you are doing so well, I'm at day 5!

Thanks for your comments 🙂 yes the scratch card really did freak me out and I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it. This morning I was surprised when he asked me to collect his £5 winnings for him. I was expecting him to want to buy another but he didn't. However, this afternoon he asked if we were stopping by the shop on the way home, when I asked why he said he would spend £1 on a scratch card. My heart sank! I was very stern and said 100% no! He was a little taken back by my attitude towards the matter and I explained why. Basically I told him that that was a one off and he will not be buying one again. I went on to explain a few more things and he seemed to understand and he hasn't spoken about it since. In 3 years time when he can buy them himself it might be a different story but he is a really good, sensible kid and I would like to think that he would not go there! Ps I didn't win the euro lottery lol xx Star xx

Well done star if you have to blame someone you know till the time is right

Day 18!!! I've found myself doing lots of extra things I put off doing for a long time just to keep busy. I've sorted through wardrobes, emptied kitchen cupboards etc. It's been really therapeutic and I've felt a lot better for it. I've hoovered when it hasn't needed hoovered and I've polished when it didn't need polishing lol. I've always been very house proud but now to keep busy I have become a tad ocd!! The past few days I've spent most of my time at the hospital and worrying about situations occurring there so I really haven't had the chance to think about gambling - or the time too. I do wonder if my feelings will change when all this madness is over, when the hospital visits stop etc. I wonder wetha I will want to be 'there' for a little me time to distress like so many times before. I really hope that doesn't happen but we all know that it's a possibility so I have started writing a list of all the jobs that need doing and hopefully I can get some decorating started too. I also want to re join the gym. I've gained 1.5 stone over the last 18 months and it's time to shift it again and feel like the old me again. If I worked out every time I thought I'd the casino I would be a supermodel by now lol. I've spent soooo long day dreaming about things I would like to do/buy/achieve and gambling has always got in the way. No time. No money. The truth is, is we try hard enough we can achieve things we would like to do so I'm going to start trying harder. It's time to change! January so far hasn't been a great start to the new year, ok I'm 18 days gamble free but there's also been a lot of family problems, illnesses and stresses. If it doesn't rain, it pours! Tomorrow is a new day and I should have some answers and I pray that it is good news for myself and my loved ones. Thank you for following my diary my friends. Just for you guys, with my hand on my heart I shall not be gambling tomorrow xx Star xx

Hi Star...Just dropping by to return the compliment 🙂

18 days is fab & there's nothing so lovely as a sparkling house or so I'm told 😉

I'm very much a follower of this diary but the rawness of it makes me want to spend time on my contributions so they often start but rarely finish.

So now in one hit, I'm gonna comment on all the stuff that has really touched a chord:

1) The machines aren't rigged...Apart from to ensure that everyone loses eventually! They could be 99% payouts but you only gotta put that £100 in a few times before it completely disappears!

2) I bought 2 machines...1 for me & 1 for my mum! They worked exactly the way they did in the shops & yet after the 1st day, mine got on my nerves! I'd poke it full of money & leave it on auto spin whilst I did whatever it was I was doing & then when the money ran out, I opened the door & took out the money I had poked in! No bloody fun @ all.

3) "Here's £300, I'm off now, have a nice day!" Because then I would only have maxed out 1 card & wouldn't be mourning lost time once I'd finally run out of gambling tokens.

4) £2.80 for a sandwich...Are they nuts, that's 2 spins, I'll just have a bag of crisps

5) Rummaging round in your bag for pennies to make up deposits...I used to run back to the car pulling up mats & seats just in case a pound had appeared there since the day before (groan)!

The most poignant being yesterday's date...I wonder in a way if your son's purchase was a welcome distraction from your usual melancholy? I almost don't want to bring it up but I do want you to know that even when I don't post, I am rooting for you!

I have my fingers crossed that your illness is easily sorted & your Dad gets well very soon. No mention of any counselling recently so maybe time to give that some more thought soon? You are doing incredibly well & having a bit of personal support may just help make the journey a little smoother!

Keep that hand on your heart - ODAAT

ODAAT thank you for your comment.... It's kind of a warm feeling knowing that I am not alone. That I'm not crazy to have done all the things I have done and lots of others have done them too, right or wrong! I have put the machine on auto plenty of times in the casino because I simply got bored of pushing a button. My son has not mentioned a scratch card today. I think my stern talking to made him not want to utter another word about it. I would love to be able to sit and have a cuppa with you, I don't know you but you give me strength-as many others do too. You take care of you lovely xx

Day 19! 2 days away from three whole weeks. I'm getting a little nervous to be honest, I'm worried that I'm going to screw up ( let's face it, I always do!) and will have to start all over again. I know I should be more positive but I have so much c**P going on at the moment that I fear will send me 'there'. I spent all day at the hospital today, hundreds of people going in and out. While I was waiting for my dad to have his mri I heard frantic screams. A guy had just had his canula fitted and ten minutes later he passed out. The wife was shaking him and screaming with such fear in her voice. I thought she looked familiar and I was right, she was a nurse from icu. This lady must deal with situations like this every single day and probably much worse yet this was her husband, someone she idolised, loved and adored and for that moment she didn't know how to help him. I don't want my family to ever have to feel that way about me. On 2 or 3 occasions now I have wanted to get into my car after a heavy loss and crash my car into the nearest brick wall. That's how bad I felt, that's how ashamed I felt. Why? For the sake of pushing a d**n button? Do you know, many times I have put my machine on auto while I go outside and have a cigarette? I do this because I'm hoping that when I return I will have a feature on my screen. While I am outside smoking I'm thinking, have I haven't I. Even when I am sat in front of my machine I often put it on auto because I am bored of pushing a button. Again all I'm waiting for is a feature and believe me they are few and far between. Sometimes ( many times!) I have piled £300-£400 in and not had one single feature. So all I have done is filled the pot for the next person. I can lay here now and shake my head thinking what a fool I have been but I can guarantee you that if I walked in that place again all rational thoughts would be out the window. I become a different person all together, I become a nasty person-God help the person next to me if they get a feature! I don't like that person. I know it's only been 19 days but I'm feeling softer already. Calmer. More in control. I can't undo what I have done but I can promise you with my hand on my heart that I will try my hardest not to go there again xx Star xx

Hey star another great post xx you arresting so well and especially with the stresses of what is going on in your life at the moment. The past is the past its history, you are learning from it and you are moving on! Moving on to a calmer, more productive and healthier and wealthier and happy future without feeling the need to gamble xx wcid

Hi star another great post. Post 91 that's right post 91 when you do and you will get that urge remember post 91 and go back and read post 91 it will remind you why you can't go back.

Keep it up and keep these inspirational posts coming.

KTF

Thank you mum and Oldham.... I do wish it was day 91! Feeling a little sorry for myself this morning. Can't seen to shake this 'virus', who stays I'll for 8+ weeks?!? I think gambling run me down so far in the end that my body is actually struggling to cope. It needs to realise that it is now on day 20 gamble free 😉 have a great day all. Xx Star xX