STAR'S DIARY-WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART

Well done on 20 days star, :)) 3 whole weeks tomorrow, don't forget to be kind to yourself, you are doing. great.

Keep going.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne and thank you honey. 3 weeks already! Blood sweat and tears lol xx.

DAY 20. Three weeks tomorrow!!! Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my actions. Things I have done etc. Do you know how many times I have 'spoken' to a slot machine? Willed it to give me a feature, a good line. Plenty of times! I have 'rubbed' the screen in circular motion when a feature did come up.. w*f is all that about? I mean, seriously it's like I'm dealing with a human being. It's a bloody machine. It can't hear me. It has no feeling. It's not going to feel sorry for me because I've fed it hundreds of pounds!! I don't believe in God, yet I pray to 'God' in my head when the going gets tough and I'm down to my last £20... Please god let me get my money back and I promise I won't blow it again. Blah blah blah. How pathetic of me. Looking back remembering all this I feel kinda foolish but I was desperate. I was drowning. The light at the end of the tunnel was very dim. I have sat on that chair pushing the button with one hand and keeping my fingers crossed with the other hand like that was going to make a difference! Oh Star, what a silly girl you were! I have gone to speak to the manager too. One particular day I lost a lot of money. If I remember correctly I fed £600 into MY machine and I didn't get one single feature. The guy must have thought I was nuts. I was crying with anger, I told him he could 'flick the switch' now because he had taken enough of my money and it was time I got some back. His answer was that I could spend a grand and get nothing then someone else can come along, stick a fiver in the machine and get the jackpot... It's all random. I was spitting feathers. It's quite embarrassing remembering all these things, did I really do that? Did I really act that way? I did! They say we learn from our mistakes. Only time will tell my friends. Only time will tell! Busy day ahead tomorrow and lots of bills to pay and sort out. I can tell you 100% I will not be pushing any buttons tomorrow lol, with my hand on my heart I promise you that! Star xxxx

Hi star another heart felt post from you. It's good that you can look back at the past and think rationally about it now. You are doing great!! Big hugs - wcid xx

Hi Star , just wanted to say that I can relate very well with all the good luck actions you spoke of ! I can remember being in the casino and not looking at the winning number until the ball dropped as I thought it would make me unlucky and also tapping the play button on the machines in the bookies a certain way , Honestly what stupid , idiotic rituals we all went through ? as if thats going to change a result !.

No Rabbits foot or tipping your hat to a Magpie for us anymore though egh? . Just straightforward guts and determination not to gamble again , well done on 3 weeks of really winning Star !

Be proud of yourself and take care of you !!

Alan x

That's a fantastic post Star, one I identify with greatly. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability , it helps us all

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Pushing that hand on your heart sure sends out pearlers of posts. Good on you Star...

WCID wrote: thank you mum! All your support helps and I thank you deeply xx

Hi star another heart felt post from you. It's good that you can look back at the past and think rationally about it now. You are doing great!! Big hugs - wcid xx

Thank you Alan, day@atime and volcano xx when I'm not doing it and just thinking about what I did do, it seems crazy. Did I really do that? That just isn't me! Sadly the situation pushed me to be that person and now I'm gradually pushing myself back out to be the person I was before all this mess. Thank you all so much for your continued support xx Star xx

Great post star, which I can relate to very much. This addiction was literally drowning us,and we knew it but not any more, because we took that big deep breath and let go,

Hand on my heart I will not gamble today either:))) keep going.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Star.

Just wanted yo say well done for remaining to keep your hand firmly on your heart.

Take care.

Feb.

Thank you Suzanne and Feb. My hand is firmly on my heart. Might get me some superglue to make sure it stays there! Xx

So.......... I have in the last hour had a huge row with my ex. I am so P****d off and angry that the only place I want to be right now is 'there'. I know it's wrong, I know it's foolish but that's how I feel. Seems like I want to punish myself that little bit more. What's up with me d**n it. Why am I even thinking of that place ?! Don't panic though. I am not going there. I am now on my way to a big family party ( God send or what!) where I shall drink myself silly instead and have a good old boogie 🙂 tonight I shall be spending roughly £50 but just think, if there was no party to go to I could be spending £100's!!! Not too sure if I will write my 20 day post tonight as I'm not too sure what state I will be in but I shall sure try... It could be a very deep one lol. On the plus side, another blessing is that I will be sooo hungover tomorrow there's no chance of me driving anywhere. Two birds one stone and all that! Have a wonderful Saturday evening my friends, and cheers 🙂 xx Star xx

I was writing a long reply but it was going nowhere so I deleted it so let's keep it short and sweet. Have a ficking great night!!!!!

Hi star that was a test for you tonight and you passed with flying colours! Enjoy the party hope your head isn't too bad in morning xx