Start Living Again

Hi Manupnow,

Thankyou for your post earlier, it wasnt needed, but showed the quality of human being you are. Real class.

I think we do both have the same vision for ourselves, just to be the best men we can be. When I think back to where I was after a few months gamble free, trust me , you are light years in front of where i was. I was angry @ everyone & everything. Hardly surprising that some pretty raw emotions are bubbling under the surface after so many years suppressing them within addiction.

My posts come from a place of having already made the mistakes I see both on here & in the rooms of GA. The two most common reasons I see for relapse are.

1. I thought this time i could control it, that this time it would be different.

2. Anger, frustration & bitterness at companies, organizations & people, holding the individual back from any chance of personal growth.

Another common theme is we think we are smart & always right. A dangerous combination for minds still listening to addiction. There is a marked difference between being intelligent & emotional intelligence, which I think most of us are unaware of when stopping. Looking back I probably had the emotional intelligence of a 6 year old. Luckily I now have it up to about a 14 year old.

Good luck brother, it was a humbling post & one which gives me every confidence for your future.

Dan

Quick update good people.

Dan thanks for such a compassionate reply, My apology was sincere of that I can assure you, it was also for me though which i hope you appreciate too and to make sure I can work this recovery. In the sense that in order to recover I need to recognise my confused thought processes, realise when im getting angry and attached to negative feelings and heading off down dark and pointless side alleys. Like picking a fight , getting angry, defensive, insensitive, nasty even, lashing out, then feeling guilty and ashamed and stewing in my own juice. Oh then apologising and finding acceptance of that makes me feel more level and even liked again. A cycle in itself. Anyway the episode was unpleasant and uncalled for, but maybe helpful too in its own strange way.

I know you will be along sometime too to read this dan and youll get where I am coming from i hope. Alan might pop along and read where im at too, and i see a little of your recent debates and posts tinged with all these fiery emotions Al, hope your remembering the central thing you told me early early days. work your recovery as you need to, read whats out there and choose the things that will work for you and leave those that dont. ( that was it in essence anyway). hope your all working your recoveries to suit.

also thanks to volcano, oldham, tri and others who have commented here and there and i havent always found time to come back to your diaries.

I had my second counselling session yesterday, and we covered a few bits and pieces inclduing confrontation, and emotions and what would be healthy for me. We talked through use of this forum to some degree and I feel pleased its here for me as a release ,and for the experience and the people here who can support me and in return i can hopefully support. i just need to consider using it in the best way for me and to some degree be selfish where required. We also talked about new pursuits and interests and some more general stuff. Wasnt all dark and gruseome, we had a bit of a laugh at a few things along the way. My therapist does a mix of cbt and transactional analysis and i have read some about each. will just take it as i find it , we are booked again for 2 weeks time.

nothing much else to report. 72 days gamble free.

Hello old friend , just caught your post and my name caught my attention ! LOL .

Yeah !!! Had a bit of a strange week myself with my kicking off day midweek , TBO I still feel my points were valid but I don't think I posted them in the way that they seemed in my head ! . It sounded more like an all out attack on certain people who came forward to defend themselves when really it was more of a generalisation of the way I felt certain parts of the forum operated.

No excuse but I really have not been well this week and today spoke with my diabetic nurse who basicly told me that when I get i'll I should do more sugar readings as I will get Hypo's that make me behave like a total kn'ob ( my word's not her's ) , anyway have made note to self regarding this , so it shouldn't happen again , it's not like me to be so ar.sy , so thats all I can put it down to really .

Congrats on keeping up the good fight on 72 days and that your'e covering all angles of your recovery here and in therapy , it will be interesting to me how you find it helps !.

I am still taking the bits I need , I just need to heed my advice about discarding what I don't need !!

Take care my friend and stay well !

Regards Alan

Morning M and thanks , Yeah , I sometimes think I should think things through for a day and give it 24 hrs before a response but life's not like that is it ! and I think go with the flow , get it out and do a bit of brown noseing if it's required later !. LOL !

Have a great day and keep up with the great posts !

Well its been over a month since i posted on this diary. In fact Alan posted last , bloody gets everywhere that Alan ... lol.

I have just gone past my 100 day milestone, 102, but who is counting. Well I kind of am and im not if you know what I mean. What im trying to do is live my life without gambling being front and centre stage all the time, and thats not altogether a doddle when youve spent 30 years immersed and obsessed with gambling. But im trying and having small successes along the way.

I am receiving counselling and in the course of those discussions naturally we discuss gambling and urges, and some possible triggers, mechanisms to support breaking the cycle and so forth. i come here and obviously read about and to a degree reminisce (maybe thats a poorly chosen word), but i do i think... about my gambling history and how closely my story matches others. I have read a few suggested books on the topic of addiction, some memoirs, but also some from experts in treatment etc.. All of them were a good read, insightful, even somewhat inspirational at times, but in truth i have always known that the answers and solutions albeit guided by various means lie within myself and my choices and the amount of effort I put into living a better gamle free life.

So I will carryon my recovery, I am very hopeful of longterm success albeit I do not wish to become complacent.

I will leave you with a short quote, which sums it up for me and hopefully i can live by it.

They can because they think they can.
Virgil

Right then ! One month on and yeah youv'e guessed it , me again !!! LOL !

What do expect when you only show your face once a month ? and I'm the only silly s.od that talks to ya ! LOL !!.

Seriously though thanks for your very complimentary post earlier on today and I really appreciate the support from you , glad things are on the up for you and big, big congratulations on you becoming a member of the century club and now on 102 days , great achievement buddy and always glad to be walking alongside you .

Carry on doing what your doing , because it obviously works !!

Best wishes ..............................Alan ( see you in another month ) !!

Congratulations, you've certainly got the right attitude to make this a longtime thing. There nothing in the handbook to say any different.

Keep going the way you are no reason to change what's working

KTF