Starting again.

Hi,

thanks GT...I just wanted to spill out my thoughts today...im back with my family and unhappy because I owe the bank a huge sum of money and Im unemployed, wohdering what have I done...sitting around with no where near the amount I had 6months ago... just 2 days have gone by since losing 1550 pounds and I want to somehow re-gain my money... I have lied to my partner here and told her that I have won when I actually lost...ohh the guilt ...I have gambled on three occasions in 18 months 2 in Laos savankhet casino losing a total of 230 pounds and 2 days ago 1550... lets just say 2k. Ok I supose it isnt the end of the world but it makes my money seem like nothing.

Just earlier I crept to a poker room and they gave me a frre 5 pounds w2ith no catch ...I went up 2... 27 dollars then i got bored went all in and lost it....Just as well that I never started depositing money...

seems like I am still gambling...

I hope it wasnt..It cant be really because that means I could calculate any game as a gamble because the objective is to win?

Easy.

Last night I told my partner what really happened...

She understands and offered me some of the money back..

She is good to me...

I thinkthat I can get through this? I am just realising that this was just a stage of depression that I was going through and I can beat it easily.....I hope.

Easy Li£e

Now that must make you feel a lot better, letting it all out and being completely honest. You won't have to keep all those feelings to yourself any more.

What a supportive partner you have, now do this for both you and her. You both deserve it!

GT

Tnx GT...

Im happy because...

It is almost as if it never even happened...Yes I really felt like cr**...But the episode kind of released the temptation of me handing over my money...

The really wierd thing that has stuck in my mind....Is when I was losing...The machine started to mess me about when I was putting in the notes, so, instead I handed a huge thick wad of twenties to the bookies...I can remember the puzzling look they gave me....I was stupid....But I was so impatient I probably could have easily killed someone in a rage...Lets look at the facts...I cant be bothered to put money in a machine and wait a split second because of the simple fact that I had pumped 2k into it....

Well there is a perfect solution to it.....Dont put any in in the first place... Problem solved...

I dont really care at this point what day Im on ...because I succesfully beat this addiction for nrly 2 years already....

I just wish that it wasnt as harsh....It could have been a lot worse I suppose...I must stay an optimist in this situation.

Everything built up to a point of...'I NEED TO MAKE SOME MONEY FAST' (and the delusion that I was lucky).....It is only because I felt like I had spent my money fast and on the wrong things...Hahah funny cozz I was saying that when I spent 12k on gambling...

Why is it that no matter how a person spends they cannot be happy about it?...

Especially an ex CG..

Answers on the back of a postcard please.

Easy li£e

Hi diary..

No gambling slight temptation...the value of money is increasing for me...I have job interviews lined up...so it is promising and should be good.

Hey Easy...

Us CGs really do know the real value of money when we are struggling to pay off the debts.

So when we reach our debt-free date, we will continue to really value money for what it is and we will be in a far better position that the general Joe Bloggs.

Nice thought, eh?!

GT

Yes GT..

Great thought...and it made me think that it was my debt that could have triggered the binge....mmm...yh probably was the worry that I spent like a madman on hols then realised it was huge debts mounting up...hence, the belligerent blowout.... ohh well... back to the drawing board and chin up... slight pangs and twitches towards gambling, but nothing that i cant control...hopefully.

Saving your money...

Ultimate win situation...

Easy li£e

A litle bit P***** off today! I attended a job interview for a part time position...passed all the tests but they still turned me down...

Nothing I can do about it....just press on...

Easy life

Another big let down... wondering if a 1:1 will pay off eventually?

Hi Easy

Ultimate win situation,saving your money.

Of course you know this is the way forward m8.

My diary is called no win situation.Ultimate win situation could be the name of it these days.I know how much determination you have had during the past couple of years.So i have no doubt you will stay back on track.Stay strong friend.Jeff.

Tnx Jeff.

Easy li£e

I believe I no longer struggle with the addiction that I once had...(when I first started this diary)..for my cg ways have cetainly evolved..

This time,

I have quite easily QUIT seeing as I have given away 15oo pounds to those bastatrds ...However, I do feel that my temptation to gamlbe this time was driven by depression and by being told I was lucky...Also, maybe for the fact tht the country I spent 6mnths in recently, where gambling is completely banned...(they do play this pathetic, no money game where you role a dice and whatever number it lands on you turn over a piece of wood to reveal the word jackpot= eventually)....I thought the grass was greener...And I quickly learnt the grass isnt greener and I aint lucky...I am just lucky to be me (i think thts wht they really meant) For the fact that I had nr death experiences many times...I started to believe that maybe..just maybe..I WAS A LUCKY GUY...A lesson has been learnt....I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky to have my health...I am lucky to live in such a fotunate part of the world.....Also, I am lucky to have a family....Life is great...And I reverted back to what I have been so used to very easily for the past times that I have kept this diary...Ohh yes, those gambling days sure were dark...I think this gambling lark is over for me forever...once and for all...

Easy li£e

P.s

I couldnt have done it without you....(really we all take care of ourselves)....we have all got someone really special in our lives, really special...(ourselves) selfish, but true..it is the key. However, it really is nice to feel eachothers pain...because that pain is our very own.

I was so positive yesterday..Until a close acquiantance asked me for some money today..to which I agreed..then they doubled it up...I automatically switched into gamble mode as if I was being fleeced...I wanted to give them the money.. but not from my pocket...I went into the bookies and watched a poor guy talking to the machine and waving his hands around asking the roulette why have they done this to him....He went to a low of 200 quid...from 1600...Anyway, he actually won it back!!...but I looked at his face carefully and saw the frustration...this guy wanted another spin!...Apparently he lost 3k...Some guys helped him collect, he ran to the cashier and instantly started on another empty fobt at 100quid a spin....The horrible part is I pulled out my wallet and was ready to play....Something stopped me!! I dont even know how I managed to make the decision from trying a spin, to making the decision of complete abstinence?...But thank you!! because I left and carried on my day...It felt great!!....(as for the person who needs money...I cut all contact with them because they aint even on this side of the planet and quite frankly...my money cannot stretch that far!

Easy Li£e

Hi

Firstly it warms my heart that you did not let the demons of compulsion win, and pulled back at the 11 hr. hate to use the expression you had a lucky escape but it was your theme on a prevous post. Could I have got that close and pulled back , I know I couldn't .

I cross the road the road to avoid bookies, why do I do this what if that invisible hand pulls me in. Obviously it is not a long hand and does not reach to the other side of the road lol.

I hope with all my being that you are not tempted back into the bookies again.

Stay strong, together we can beat this.

Take care

Kaza