Starting again.

Tnx Kaza.. I feel like I have known you a long time....

Today was a HUGE day 4 me 🙂 went to Oxford and had my biggest job interview to date...Dont think I will be successful....However, it really was a good experience.....I thought to myself on the way...."I can do this"...My confidence grows and I realize that I enjoy meeting people more than any addiction...I just wish I could meet more!!...

Easy li£e

Well, today was a surprise?

I had a call yesterday, which I never followed it up until today....I have a job trial...starting tommorow...Happy today...it is going to be hard work..that pays money!!

Easy li£e

I have just realised what is missing in my life and many people's...I think some people need a spark, something interesting? Maybe a new car...Or relationship...Extra money? The thing is that all of this wears off after time..And then we are left more frustrated than before...The fight to get these things is much more challenging..I can remember the days when I never saw 1k...Boy what I would do to get that I used to dream about it...Then one day I got 2k!! wow that was good....Anyway, the other day many years later I was given 20k....It was so cool....I hadnt done any work ...I hadnt been gambling for nrly 2 years and it fell from the heavens....Unfortunately, it never had a happy ending what i actually did with it....And yes it wasnt gambling but in many way I think it was.....

Hiya Easy,

Just popping in to say hiya...have been reading your diary since you came back from Thailand. Much of which I can relate to..I to had a similiar adventure abroad..one of the biggest buzzes ever I have to say. A life less ordinary. I planned to move there but to cut along story short I decided against it. It was after that I started to gamble for the first time in my life when I hit 40.

In early recovery I did indentify that although I had never gambled previously.. ..looking at my behaviours their was definetely an aspect of me that liked to live on the edge and even though it wasn't gambling..in a way I think it was, just not with money.

Oops I've started to ramble way too much lol..sorry easy..anyway hope your okay and glad you are still on the road to recovery.

Best Wishes Del xo

Hey,

I can relate to what you say...and I dont think you are rambling on at all...In fact, I understand it, and I have been wondering what sent me off the rails....U have reinforced my beliefs and made me realise that this kind of experience has everything to do with gambling.....I am paying for my sins heavily...Why did I live my life on the edge? Why did I turn around and leave when that is what I wanted ? or was it?....I am left confused, skint and mentally unstable...Hey MAYBE thats the trigger to my recent gambling...I was always a straight guy and still am...(if u kno wht i mean)...However, I did endulge in having fun with ladies...I am grateful for your input on my diary and feel free to speak about your experience because it sounds very similiar to mine 🙂

easy li£e

I just realized that a working environment i what I need...to take my mind off of stressors..

One more thing...After you graduate..there should be a whats next counselling session

Easy li£e

Hi,

i dont feel like im struggling just feel sick at what I achieved then trew it all away....I am busy, busy busy and the only way forward is to be busy....I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP....I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP .....OK IM STILL A C'G IM GOING TO FACE THIS NOW.....I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP...

Fast li£e.....Easy li£e.... choose 1

hi,

i worked yesterday....I am fed up about my gambling, I have to be strong and get money in my bank...however, I am on part time because I am training...so, it is going to take longer than I thought it would....

I will try to lend support and understand my addiction more...

I get what you said about wanting to get the next level of a certain amount of money.

There is only one word which springs to my mind with regards to this.

Greed.

I am no longer greedy. Yes, I like my gadgets and now only buy gadgets that I use a lot of. I no longer crave for takeaways and instead I cook a home made meal every day. I no longer ask for silly things that are way overpriced at Christmas. I am just happy to spend time with the family.

We all have different perspectives to life and it is interesting to see the huge contrast between a gamblers' one, a recovering CG's one and even someone who has never gambled in their life.

GT

Yes you are right it is greed....However, there seems to be a ever increasing demand for money these days what with family pressures and not to mention the money I blew like a careless idiot recently....Anyway, time is a healer and if I manage my money well over time...well then quite simply my money and wealth (including my sanity) will recover....Its just the starting over seems very painfull at the moment...

Thanks though because ther definitely is an element of selfishness and greed muddled up in there,,,

Easy li£e

Hi Guys

I agree entirely. I have been thinking lately and thought I was a generous type of person. Howeve I am only generous when it suits me. Underneath I am a selfish person and I don't like to admit it because I see that as a shortcoming in my make up. I must accept that I am not perfect and get over it. Thanks for the post there and good to read it in someone else.

Hi Guys

I agree entirely. I have been thinking lately and thought I was a generous type of person. Howeve I am only generous when it suits me. Underneath I am a selfish person and I don't like to admit it because I see that as a shortcoming in my make up. I must accept that I am not perfect and get over it. Thanks for the post there and good to read it in someone else.

Good posts...And might I add....You will probably guess my age now...But my post has stuck in my mind and all I can recall is (its vivid) one of those big old typewriters...and when you press the buttons eloquently, well then quite simply everything works fine...But when you bash the buttons in a rush all the printing keys get stuck up, it becomes a thick muddled mess that takes time to untangle itself....That is my thoughts on what happens to a c'g when he decides to play games and it all gets a bit outta hand...

Anyway, this post is just something that I randomly imagined when I re-read your posts....I just thought I'd share it with you.

Easy li£e

Hiya Easy,

Hey! So glad that my post helped you 🙂 Actually I found your posts helpful also..cos I'm not the only one too! Anyway I hope things are settling down for you.

I like your last post about the typewriter..I get that. Comes across as strong visual for me. Have you ever thought of painting? Art?

Wishing you the very best. Del xo