Starting again at day 1 :(

Hi Jillfe

Thanks for the post on my diary, some very kind words.

Just had a read through your diary and particularly like the quotes on the first page.

Well done on getting to three weeks, I think the first part of the recovery is the hardest as it is the first period of breaking a routine. It seems by your posts that you have a good idea of how you are going to beat this addiction. If I've learnt anything over the years, it is not to be complacent with this addiction. Always stay on your guard and deal with urges properly.

Take care, keep strong and well done

Jimbo

helloooo 🙂 thank you both for your posts. Really appreciate it. Some very wise words there that I always like to hear and take in. Haven't got much time tonight but just logged in to tell myself to stop being a right bloody stress head at the min don't know what is up with me but I feel so narky hundreds of thoughts going through my head, would usually gamble when I am feeling like this just to get in a zone and think about nothing but the reels turning. Really have to find something that's going to do this for me. Mad thoughts going on in my head and don't know if this is normal due to not gambling or if it is life thoughts that I need to deal with that I have been blocking out with gambling ?? confused hope I feel better after a good sleep as I am pretty tired also.

Thinking its strange how I am coming on here to let it all out when I should have someone at home or a friend I would do this to.....thought to self why have I not?! My partner doesn't understand me and every conversation can turn into an argument and 1 thing I can most definatly do without is arguing, I want an easy life, is that wrong?

We all want an easy life, and your partner should be supportive and understanding and helping you through your journey of abstinace,

Think to yourself "what makes me happy" and don't settle for anything else.

Why??? Because your worth it........

Stay strong and take care

Karl

Thanks Karl.

Had a really really weird day....was doing something for work, involved something to do with self harm. There is cycle for people that self harm, tension build up, builds up some more, they self harm for release & escape, feel calm and better after it, then feel guilty and other emotions which then leads to feeling of tension building up again and round and round. This all sounds too familiar was I self harming when gambling in a kind of way!? P.S I have changed my username today.

LIKE THE NEW USERNAME WOMAN

Isn't it strange how after going to gambling hell and back we find similarities in experiences that we would never think relate to gambling. Thanks for posting on my thread, meant a lot. Sometimes I feel as though, although my partner is sympathetic toward my recovery she does not understand, I suppose only addicted gamblers understand addicted gamblers because others don't understand the depths we have been to...

Keep posting regularly, gunna watch your progress closely

Thanks Heavan, appreciate the support. Hahahaha I have just realized what you mean by the username and how it could be linked to yours, sorry I didn't realize just wanted to try and hide my ID abit.

Well I have just done some more of my diary on my first post, bringing me kind of up to date, think I have got most of the important bits in about gambling. Although there are alot of other bits of my life that could be linked. It's so hard trying to think back and then get it all down.

Looking forward to pay day on Monday get a bit out of the rut, having a quiet weekend I think. Thought about gambling before right now would be a prime time that I would gamble, at home on me own, about to get some money. My mum popped up so it kind of took my mind of it, then I came on here and yapped on, think I'll read some stories and then go to the saunas for some relaxing me time. Got a big match tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to that. Doing nothing at the weekend (you may call it relaxing) is not good for me as on a Monday I never feel like I have had a weekend. Time is made up of memories, memories are usually made up of happy or sad times, not going to remember much about sitting on me b*m doing nothing all weekend. I have noticed although I feel rubbish with a hangover after drinking on the weekend if I go out the weekend seems so much longer, apart from when you don't go to sleep and you get mixed up about what day it is 🙂 I feel like I haven't been out with the girls in ages so will look into doing something leading up to Christmas I need some fun that doesn't involve gambling! Coming up to 4 weeks (monday coming) a lot better than I have done in my recent attempts to stop, something feels different this time I can do this 🙂

god sake all these people seem to be relapsing after years of not gambling and back to square one in the same zone. I hope to god I don't do all this hard work for that to happen to me i am not destined to be a compulsive gambler I am destined to have a better life than that, unless of course I could win millions and then stop 🙂 haha the what if, erm well there is no chance of the what if u numpty u have tried for about 10 years to win if it was going to happen it would have happened by now!

feel like gambling....typical. Sunday he's watching the sports I'm bored! everything that needs to be done is done

I am a d******d!!! Back to day 1 again.

Yesterday was getting urges, said to my partner I feel like gambling, asked for the K9 password once......HE GAVE ME IT!!!! I'm angry at myself and at him for not supporting me, I know its not his fault but I got him to do the K9 password so I didn't know it!

Spent about £600 up til 12.30am, knackered today, going to be skint and could kick myself in the head.

I wish there was a tablet I could take that would cure me, why can't I beat this thing!?!?

I don't know what I'm going to do now, I can't trust him to put in a new password and not give it to me and don't really know who else I could ask grrrr!

Day 1:

just had my counselling appointment. Really helped to talk to someone. Although I am back to day 1 again I've not to be too disheartened, I made it to 4 weeks and have learnt alot in them 4 weeks.

Got to get this gym membership sorted and sort out somehow of putting another blocker on my laptop. So here we go again & try to think positevly 🙂

DAY 1 AGAIN.

Is this thing going to kill me before I beat it!

Idiotically spent all of my wages last night online. Don't have a penny left. All the bills aren't paid. Christmas is coming up. I have applied for about 5 loans, all of them declined. I don't know what i am going to do I really don't. Talk about rock bottom, this has got to be it! Been in tears all morning, can't focus, can't see a light at the end of this dark tunnel 🙁

DAY 2:

Woke up, took a phone call was in tears. Everything just seems to be getting on top of me. Went to see debt counsellor yesterday, they on about writing to places I have loans/credit with to reduce payments. I'm ok when I have got paid and haven't gambled it all I can afford the outgoings its not helping now. Now when I haven't got a penny in the bank and Christmas is so close. I have got no1 to blame but myself but can't help the way i'm feeling. Could do with going to sleep until 25th Jan!

You CAN beat this addiction, you have to find strength and stay strong, I am also back to day 1 today I have tried many times to stop but the urges always beat me, and I don't stop till I've lost every penny, got paid today and my bank account is in credit (a small amount) but still the urges are strong!! I have never managed to stay gamble free for more than 20 days so I am aiming to get through December without gambling this time, if you're up to the challenge we can try and do it together, stay strong and try to keep thinking gambling is just throwing money away. You can and will come out the other side of this addiction a much stronger person. Take care, you are not alone in this battle x

Hi jaz, thank you very much for the support I really appreciate it. At the minute I have no money to gamble so I don't have a choice. I have been applying for loans for the last 2 days and not been sucessful so looks like I'm just going to have to survive until 18th Dec with no money until I get paid and will also need to do all of my christmas shopping out of that money.

Can't believe I have done this to myself. Maybe it may help the fact that i have not had a loan as now I have to suffer and get through hard times as a result of my gambling and probably for a few months to come. I have never really had to do this before due to always getting loans, overdrafts or getting bailed out so I hope it does me some good and I just need to make sure I have everything in place by the time pay day comes that means I can't gamble. I will try and find you diary and have a read of your story 🙂 thanks again for your reply.x