Stephen ~ Compulsive Gambler ~ Last bet 3rd January 2018.

Great post and glad to see you feeling cheerful. I would suggest all us gamblers are ‘lonely’ ... many a time I’ve being playing blackjack in a house full of people and felt so alone! Had Xmas with about 20 other people and felt suicidal ... I think cracking the gambling problem is a first step to hopefully a happier and fuller life. What I’d give sometimes though for a ‘lonesome bed’, rather than having kids trying to climb in all night! Rich

Thank you Rich for posting on my diary, I am pleased to see you making good progress.

Sorry to say I have let the side down again and I am back on day one. It seems when I feel sad or remorsefuI I am more inclined to gamble. Different day but the same old story.

My self exclusion from the betting shops had expired but I don't think that stops me anyway. On several occasions ovef the years I have self excluded but whenever I was feeling desperate I just searched out betting shops where I was not excluded.

Thanks to my diary I have fulfilled all my financial obligations and made my debt repayments each month. I just need now to stop these stupid relapses which are stopping me moving forward. At times I feel self assured and confident but than black clouds comes along. If only I can stay focussed on "One day at a time." I know that negative feelings will come and go.

I have witnessed some of my gamcare friends who have stood their ground and not given in. I can be like them if I behave with more courage and integrity.

Hi Stephen,

You haven’t let anyone down but yourself. I really don’t want to sound flippant, as I know it’s a shame going back to zero, but it doesn’t sound like a disaster. You’ve paid out what you need to for the month, you haven’t had to borrow off family and friends, and you haven’t hurt any dependents. I know exactly what you feel like ... I get down and want to gamble ... only difference is that I want to gamble really large amounts, and have made sure I don’t have the money to do so ... it’s certainly not that I have more courage or integrity than you! I’m thinking you’ve only had a small gamble, so dust yourself off and crack on again ... you’ve still come a long way, in that you won’t let it turn into a prolonged bout. Hang in there, try not to over think it, other than what could be different next time you get the urge ... sorry can’t help too much on that front, as I’m not sure how you can cut access to the funds if it’s only a relatively small amount and you have no-one to keep a tight rein on you. Keep posting, and keep helping others like you always do. Rich

I echo the above Stephen, you're doing so well. There just seems to be an opening there for when you're feeling low and the urges come.
Is there any way you can close it, to make it impossible for you?
It's such a horrible addiction and so difficult when there are so many areas of temptation open to us. You must never think bad of yourself, you have come so far. You are a wonderful, funny, warm hearted person who deserves a break and one day you WILL beat this. Never give up!
Another lml bucket of strength and a great big hug whistling its way to you!!! x

Hi Stephen, read this in a stern voice! You haven't let anyone down, no one will judge you and you have been a consistent support and comfort to many. You have moved forward so much from the day you joined here and before quitting other addictions. So you have alot on your side here, everyone makes mistakes so don't dwell, use the positivity you generously dish out and be kind to yourself. You are genuinely worth being GF and happy, make it happen! Take care Sx

Hi Stephen, sorry to read about your relapse, the fact that you sorted you bills and debt payments out before you chose to gamble shows some kind of restraint on your part .... its seems there is some kind of loophole thats left open that allows you keep going back and its clear that needs to be closed to allow the to move on propertly, as its been said in here many times nothing changes if nothing changes ..... full respect to you for admitting your mistakes and coming straight back on here and as said above you havent let anyone on here down, its far from easy i was close to gambling yesterday myself but we need to learn from our mistakes and use them as tools to help us with our daily battle ....wishing you well mate i know you have the strengh to pick yourself up and keep fighting.

Hi Stephen. We are on day 1 together. You haven't let anyone down. And yes you gambled yesterday but think of all the days you didn't gamble. Yesterday's battle is over but you will win this war. I totally empathise because I am the same, there are points when somehow I am just a little low, vulnerable and just tired of it all and somehow find my way back to gambling. You are stronger than you think and you will tick off those days. Let's get out of January and have a clean sheet in Feb. Take care and be kind to yourself. Xx

Hi Stephen. We are on day 1 together. You haven't let anyone down. And yes you gambled yesterday but think of all the days you didn't gamble. Yesterday's battle is over but you will win this war. I totally empathise because I am the same, there are points when somehow I am just a little low, vulnerable and just tired of it all and somehow find my way back to gambling. You are stronger than you think and you will tick off those days. Let's get out of January and have a clean sheet in Feb. Take care and be kind to yourself. Xx

Hello Stephen,

It’s a b****r isn’t it and no real tangible explanation why we delve back into the insidious behaviour that we run to when tackling some inner turmoil. Inner is the key word there !

When I read your post about your relapse, I straight a way went to your post from yesterday and read a sadness reminisce and maybe that’s a self awareness that you need to start recognising, something I think that is filtering in a fashion of sorts. Not sure whether I’m articulating my self very well here, but you know it’s with best intentions.

I so agree with this following line but - ‘ what are you going to do different this time ? ‘ , your methods ie Gamcare and being a round people, dance etc are all good but as my school report would say ‘ he can always do better ‘

Wish you well

Thank you Rich, Little Miss Lost, Sharon, Chartom, Annie and Volcano. I really do appreciate your support and encouragement.

I feel I have come a long way thanks to my gamcare friends. I have a small amount which I put to one side and which I haven't gambled. I am thinking rationally and looking towards the future with hope and realistic goals, which includes not gambling again.

In the past I was losing all sense of reason due to the compulsion to gamble. I mounted up a large debt and often left myself in dire financial difficulties. I was sometimes bordering on despair.

I feel I am within a whisker of giving up the gambling for good. I just need that little bit more strength, a bit more courage and some common sense.

Later I will be posting on a new thread and hopefully that will be the one which records my journey home.

Hi, Stephen,

Just wanted to stop and say hi perhaps give some encouragement. Day one is as good as any other number to be proud of being gambling free. Yes, it is disappointing to know that you allowed yourself to slip after all the hard work, but every human does slip on a daily basis for many other things. None of us is perfect. Some spent their whole lives being nasty to others, uncapable of saying sorry, never acknowledging their own flaws. Would you rather be that person? You, me, pretty much everyone on this forum take ownership of their actions, addresses them to make changes and for that we are already better people. There are only so many unsuccessful attempts you can make at some point you would succeed as long as you never give up.

Take care!

Hi Stephen. Sorry to hear that you had another gambling spree. I know that you'll pick yourself up with renewed determination - you always do!

But I've got to be honest here. The question is about whether you really want to stop. We can all talk till we're blue in the face about leaving the gambling behind and creating a better lifestyle. But IF deep inside you enjoy spinning the reels so much and are therefore prepared to take part regardless of the consequences. Maybe you will have to face that fact. The fact that you're trying to change the way you are... The very building blocks of your DNA?
However, I'm not saying that change can't happen. I'm not saying that it is futile to attempt what might appear to be impossible.

Imagine if the inventors of the past and future actually resigned to the notion that things were unachievable..

In 1802 Humphrey Davey invented the first electric light followed by over 20 other re-designs of the incandescent lamp by other inventors. In 1879 Thomas Edison patented his design for the original carbon-filament bulb, much like the bulb we use today. Suppose if these inventors had simply given up, resigned to the fact that it could not be done?

So therefore the question is WHY. Why do you want to gamble. What does it give you? How does it make you feel? Can these thoughts and experiences be replicated in other ways.

And more importantly, Ask yourself: 'What has gambling caused to you over the years'. What are the effects and outcomes.

Afternoon Stephen. Tough journey hey...this is no walk in the park for sure. Maybe somebody already asked you but...what you gonna do different this time? The journey is endless and so are the difderent ways to save yourself. GC can help you so much..to the extent. I see you have a deep soul and self awareness. I am 100% sure you can go in tune with spirituality. Just asking again...did you give a thought to GA again? Why did you stop going? Is there a reason? Did you give it your all?

Now before I get on ur nerves with my preaching .(It's coming from the person who is not attending rooms..bear in mind).....just a lil tune....

Please come bk....come bk to the middle...you can & Will do it if you want it enough!

https://youtu.be/4HUju5DDOns

Hugs & woofs from lil one

S&B xx

Thank you Changemylife. An enlightening post which is certainly relevant to my current situation.

Thank you S&B. It could be a walk in the park, it's just me choosing to make it difficult. Enjoyed the music link (India Arie - Back to the middle). Quite appropriate.

The only thing I can change is to start behaving with maturity, courage and self discipline.

GA nights are tuesday and friday which is also my 2 dance nights (tonight cancelled). That rules GA out because dancing is more likely to bring about my recovery. I did attend GA for long periods but it didn't stop me gambling and I never took to the 12 step program...stephen

THIS THREAD IS NOW CLOSED.