Striving for a new normal

Well looks like I have restarted on the same day. I am sick of myself and all the feelings you have described. I want to kick myself every time I walk out the amusements with not even 10p in my pocket. Even when I can tell a machine is not paying out I feel as though I just cannot stop.! I will keep an eye on your posts and hope we can keep going,!!

I redid the remaining of this years budget sheets and next years too, it looks very sickening at the moment but the husband has just changed jobs and is waiting for his company car which will alter his tax code so i have no real idea of how much exactly he will be getting at the moment, so that part of the budget sheet is underestimated, the bonus of this is we end next year with a big, fat, massive nothing! I know that if I spend anymore then this will get bigger, I'm hoping that will help deter me for a while....but that's looking too far ahead.....so today, today is the day that matters, today is the day that makes a differnce, today I will not gamble, today I will not add to the black hole at the end of next year!!

onlyme wrote:

I redid the remaining of this years budget sheets and next years too, it looks very sickening at the moment but the husband has just changed jobs and is waiting for his company car which will alter his tax code so i have no real idea of how much exactly he will be getting at the moment, so that part of the budget sheet is underestimated, the bonus of this is we end next year with a big, fat, massive nothing! I know that if I spend anymore then this will get bigger, I'm hoping that will help deter me for a while....but that's looking too far ahead.....so today, today is the day that matters, today is the day that makes a differnce, today I will not gamble, today I will not add to the black hole at the end of next year!!

Your right! It could be worse if you keep gambling and probably will be. Occasionally you do read of a one or two saying gambling's worked for them but all i can do is look carefully at my own gambling and ask how realistic that is?

Your right triangle, looking at my gambling habits, realistically it doesn't work for me fiancially, everything I've ever won has always been put back in and lost..and more spent trying to win some back.....and subsequently spent again!

onlyme wrote:

I redid the remaining of this years budget sheets and next years too, it looks very sickening at the moment but the husband has just changed jobs and is waiting for his company car which will alter his tax code so i have no real idea of how much exactly he will be getting at the moment, so that part of the budget sheet is underestimated, the bonus of this is we end next year with a big, fat, massive nothing! I know that if I spend anymore then this will get bigger, I'm hoping that will help deter me for a while....but that's looking too far ahead.....so today, today is the day that matters, today is the day that makes a differnce, today I will not gamble, today I will not add to the black hole at the end of next year!!

Interesting comment about the budget sheets - I've tried to do that for the last few years but it just makes me aware how much money would be available to gamble with. I always ended up adjusting the budget sheets as I had overspent on gambling.. or if I thought I save some money in the budget somewhere, I could use it to gamble.

Im now beginning to believe that budget sheets are not the way forward for me.

Budget sheets don't always work for everyone, for me it's ok at the moment as every single penny in for the remainder of this year is aready allocated to go somewhere....bills, christmas, home insurance.....next year we're currently looking at a few thousand overdrawn, I know this figure will change when we know what exactly my husband will be earning when the tax settles down but at the moment just the mere thought of not wanting to make that any more overdrawn is helping. It is a bit of a "catch 22" because I know that if I gambled then I could put a bit more money in the bank but I also know, deep down, that that money won't stay there, I will spend it again. So today, again, I choose not to make things even worse, today I choose not to gamble.

Welcome back onlyme,

Already your posts are coming across strong and determined,

Have a good safe gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, I find I can start off strong and determined then I get complacent and it all starts to go wrong there, this time round I'm hoping to work harder through that when it starts to kick in.

Hi

Jeez I hope my diary did not upset you too much, I can totally relate to the highs and lows of gambling, it's the escape we were after, and the most ridiculous thing is, we did not know the damage it was doing to us,

You can do this as long as you commit 100% to recovery, it is the only way to go forward, look after you and your own recovery,

It is so easy to let complacency take over, that's why we have to stay strong, focused and committed with one step ahead,

Will keep an eye on your diary, keep posting it helps

Take care and think positive.

Suzanne xxx

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Suzanne, your diary brought all of my emotions that I had been trying to keep a grip on to the surface, you think that only you can feel like this, only you can think like this, only you can be so stupid as to not be able to have some kind of control over it......but then you read a very honest heartfelt diary and you realise your not alone, there are others going through the exact same thing, dealing with the same money/family/emotional issues as yourself, and to a degree it's a relief to know I'm not the only one that feels like I do but It's also stomach churning to know someone else feels this too......I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! I don't know if I've explained this very well but I hope you know what I mean.

But anyway, still here, not had time to post, between a sickness bug and the youngest being even more demonic than usual I haven't had time to do anything, so no posting and no gambling!

I can only gamble when my husband is home as I cancelled my bank card over a year ago, so if I want to gamble I have to ask him to put it on for me, but this past week I've been so exhausted in the evenings that by the time I've had an extra long bath it's bed time, and over the weekend I spent most of it laying on the sofa watching kiddie programs....there is only so much Mickey Mouse you can cope with before you finally pass out lol.

Hi only,

It's a relief when we realise that we are not on own with this ridiculous utter madness :))

I feel quite humbled that you have read my diary, listen one day at a time strengthens us every day one day at a time.

Totally relate to kids telly, I have peppa pig on when LM stays, (even have to keep it on when he is doing something else or he

Cops ohh lol)

You are doing fine, small steps, one day at a time, with everything, and stuff will slowly fall into place:)

Take care of you and stay strong and keep focused

Suzanne xxx

Hi only me how you doing ? X

Well I did fine up until sunday evening, then the biggest urge set in and I couldn't shake it, so had a controlled go (controlled in the respect that I had to ask my husbands permission and he said he was only going to put one £10 on) and then another last night, again £10. The urge was awful, it was kind of like a panic attack, I felt really antsy, irritable and sick, I felt like something bad would happen if I didn't do it, I couldn't concentrate on anyting, I can't really explain it but am trying to for future reference for myself. Yes I am disappointed in myself and I'm just thankful I have no physical access to money myself, yes it is a little degrading asking for money from my husband but if I had access myself then I know that today there would be no money in the bank, how he puts up with me I don't know, I've turned in to a pathetic person! I'm not the bubbly fun person he first met years ago, I've turned in to a sort of zombie, empty of anything apart from the urge to gamble, it's not even something I enjoy doing anymore but I still do it, I know I'm going to lose before I've even started but I still do it anyway, why the hell do I still do it when it makes me feel so rubbish? If I was riding a rollercoaster and didn't like it I wouldn't go back for another go!

Hi onlyme, welcome back 🙂

Your 1st post was everything I understand a CG to be...Real psychological issues surrounding your addiction! 10 days in I can still feel your fear but I can't see what you are doing to address it? I can see you have been here a long time but I'll be honest, I haven't read your other threads to see whether you have ever actually opened your arms to recovery so apologies but I was so moved by that post, I had to reply! Spread sheets & balancing the books is not the way to fix this...I know, I 'balanced' them every night for years! Your 'controlled' gamble last night sounds very painful...What were you hoping to achieve? Did you want to punish yourself? Prove that you are weak? Well you're not because you have been 'here' fighting for 3 years now & you are still here!

The feelings you documented about your urge sound exactly like mine after a day '@ the races'...What have I done, why have I done it & how the f am I going to borrow more money to dig me out this time 🙁 Fighting these urges is hard but when giving in to them brings guilt & shame isn't it better to stand & fight? Your husband obviously loves you & I'm pretty certain I could persuade my OH to do anything so I know where he is coming from but you know nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't gambled! I've walked in your shoes, time to take them off & get a new pair...'Controlled' gambling is bull & you need to tell the addiction that next time it comes calling! I've had all those feelings you documented since finding recovery...I was paralysed with fear some point in my 1st 3 days but each time you fight them off you get stronger! You can't beat this with willpower, you can't be allowed to gamble full stop, there is no such thing as control for us & you need to find other coping mechanisms to deal with all of your pain be that GA, counselling or some other stuff that it out there!

The real you is still in there somewhere, time to wipe away the gambling fog & get your life back - ODAAT