Take 2 this times for real

Just been reading some advice on the Internet...first thing Monday I will start leaving all cards at work and just having cash to last me the night/weekend...would never go into a bookies so even if I had 500 quid on me it would make no difference. No laptop and no cards for the foreseeable future. Any bills I need to pay by card I can do at work so no excuses.

I just went into my little girls room while she was sleeping n for the first time in a long time I prayed. Prayed for the strength to beat this! Managed 2 months gamble free almost last time but I just don't feel as confident this time round. Maybe I'll have more to prove this time n it will keep me going.

Hi Shorty,

I could see from your posts during the last week or two that your resolve was going. Not many people can say that they've given up for good on their 1st attempt. You seem to have your head screwed on and reading your last post, I think that finally your head AND your heart have said that enough is enough. I have every confidence that this time, you will give up for good.

I would say that, and speaking from my own experience, posting every day helps an awful lot, whatever you put down.

Woke up feeling surprisingly positive this morning which after the way I was feeling last night is quite surprising. Have decided that the obsession with bank accounts n debts is really taking over my life so not only am I setting myself the target of no gambling I'm also setting myself the target of not checking the debts. I have literally spent this morning setting up direct debits for everything. I know if I'm not gambling the debts will automatically reduce so I'm aiming for 6 months of just letting things be n not obsessing over every penny. At the end of the day my husband uses the same bank account and if something dodgy was happening he would realise.

I think the not obsessing is going to be harder than the not gambling!!!!

Well we're early in to day one...definitely feeling better than last night and pretty positive this idea of leaving all cards at work will work. I don't know the numbers off by heart like I used to when I was at the height of my gambling.

Will post here everyday think I was a bit lazy last time round. More effort needed to beat this.

Shorty

Evening Shorty just had a read of you posts.

I like you managed a couple of months then had a down turn and started my old ways. I wasblanking it agian thinking I could win but guess what I lost everytime because I couldnt stop.

Your not alone we are all in the same position keep going with the hard work and you will beat this.

Day 2 no urges...mirroring my previous diary at the minute but this time I know where I fell down and I will not let it happen this time.

Still concentrating on the debts...it's impossible not to! It's like they say men think about s*x every 6 seconds...well I think about debts every 3 seconds lol!!!

Been keeping myself very busy...gardening yesterday n cleaning today. Keeping busy is definitely the best medicine.

Keep having horrible thoughts of my husband finding out and leaving me and taking my little girl. In my heart I know he wouldn't but if I carry on ruining our lives then it's a real possibility. My heart nearly stops when I think about it, if that thought alone doesn't help me stop then nothing will.

Have a happy Sunday everyone xx

Hi Shorty,

Just read your last post, and I know exactly where you are coming from. In exactly the same situation myself - worrying about my OH finding out etc. And yes, the debt is almost impossible to forget about, but I think you're doing the right thing - setting up the DD's to cover your min payments. I make all of my min payments on pay day - any extra cash I get during the month goes onto CC#1.

Good luck

Thanks Michael 🙂 more positive steps made today...my hubby who has no debt applied for a cc that has 24 months interest free on balance transfers and he said I can transfer my balance over to this. Will save me an absolute fortune in interest, just got to see what his credit limit will be but hopefully it will cover it. This is close off all credit cards so my only access to funds will be our joint account and I just wouldn't touch that for fear of him seeing any debits.

Very very tired today not sure if it's from all the work Ive been doing to keep my mind occupied or just emotional knackeredness!! Probably a bit of both.

Anyway...day 2 nearly done roll On day 3 xx

Day 3...all good. No urges. Still playing the debts over and over in my mind but have come up with a list of priorities:

1. Keep my family together.

2. Keep my house!

3. Make sure all essential bills are paid on time each month.

4. Make sure minimum payments are made on credit cards each month.

5. Where possible make overpayments on credit cards.

If I can keep 1, 2, 3 & 4 all in the green then realistically 5 can just wait until its possible to make overpayments.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with these debts. I wasn't that bothered about getting into the debt when I was depositing hundreds after hundreds onto the websites! Am I obsessed with money? Is that just it? Is that why I gamble in the first place. I'm pretty sure part of it is just downright greed.

Wish there was just a key you could turn in your brain to switch these thoughts off. But then again I deserve to be punished for what I've done so this mental toture is just what I deserve.

Have a happy non-gambling day everyone 🙂 xx

I have literally done nothing but read the forum today. Some of the stories I've read really make me thankful that I have realised I have a problem now when I can just about afford to cope with the repayments and have a relatively enjoyable social life.

I read one story where someone had lost 14k+ on an online casino. I don't understand how people get access to 14k unless its an overdraft or savings?! Do the banks really let you deposit that much? I feel pretty lucky that when using my CC I can only deposit a maximum of £300 a day. Even the last time I gambled my bank stopped payments online in order to check that they weren't fradulent. It's strange because at the time I'm cursing the b**stards for being so cautious and now I look back and think how much worse the situation could have been if they'd let that 1k deposit go through.

Work is really really boring at the minute. My boss is on holiday until next week and it's one of those jobs where there's stuff to be done but not really this instant so got no motivation to do anything.

Have decided that now that I can move my final credit card balance to my husbands card I am going to save the £100 a month interest that I will be saving. Will be nice to see some credit building up and hopefully after bonus time early next year there will be nearly £2000 saved. If I need to use some of this to reduce the debts then that's fine but I think it will make me feel a bit more secure having a pot saved up for a rainy day. I know some of you out there will literally be struggling to make payments on your mortgage and will hate me for writing that but trust me I have nearly 40k to pay off over the next 5 years so it's not like I don't have any financial pressures!!! I just don't see the point of having a utter s***e existence until all the debts are paid off.

Well day 3 nearly in the bag...feels a bit rubbish saying 3 days when I was nearly at 2 months but I'll get back up there again soon!

xxx

Day 4...no urges once again although I am well aware that the last time I quit I thought the first few weeks were sooooooo easy! Just gotta keep on my toes once the days start to clock up.

Today has been the first day in AGES that I have not come into work and logged straight onto my online bank account...then gone to my spreadsheet, worked out every last penny for this month and every other month. In fact yesterday I deleted the entire spreadsheet and have no plans to rectify it. What will be will be. I know that as long as I'm not gambling I can afford the bills, can afford to go out a couple of times a month so I am making a conscious effort to not focus on the debts but to focus on my recovery!

Slept much better last night. It's true what they say, time is a great healer and the memory of the last big loss you had does fade with time making it a lot easier to deal with. Although this also may make it easier to justify gambling again now that the pain has subsided! But I will not do that.

Still thinking about all those diaries I read yesterday where people are in a much worse situation than me. I really do not want to end up like that which means this has to be it because I am just tettering on the edge of a big black hole that I can not afford to pull myself out of.

Have another happy non-gambling day everyone 🙂 xx

Day 5....going strong still. No urges. Not thinking about the debts as much now I'm not looking at a spreadsheet of my incomings and outgoings. Just waiting for my hubbys new credit card to arrive so I can move my balance over to his and finally close off my account. Another avenue closed that can no longer be used to fund my gambling. Hopefully the credit limit will cover it all but if not I've worked out a way to get rid of it ASAP. Once this is all sorted I can live happily in the knowledge that I have set up direct debits for everything and I can just see what extra cash (if any) is left at the end of the month to make overpayments.

trying really hard to post on here daily...think that's where I slipped up last time. i was concentrating on reading everyone else diaries and not focusing on my own. I know that if I make the effort to post on here every day it will make it a lot harder to mess it up and have to start at day 1 again. People say that counting the days isn't important but I think it will work for me in the initial stages. First milestone is 50 days..then 100 etc etc.

Have another happy non-gambling day everyone 🙂 xxx

Hey Shorty,

Good to see your posting regularly again. Forget about those minor hiccups. Recovery is not about perfection and you will make mistakes on the way. I did and so have you so don't be too hard on yourself. Just take one day at a time, keep posting, set yourself goals, like you said a 100 days gamble free. When you reach there treat yourself to something as a reward, I dunno more cream tarts you enjoyed having I recall in your earlier posts, lol.

Sunny x

Hi Shorty,

I've just read your previous posts and this one too. You sound much more positive in this diary as compared to the last few posts on your other one where you sounded bit wobbly and sadly you fell off but, like sunny said its a minor hiccup! Now you have to focus on gaining control again and thats what you are doing - good for you. Its a good idea to have set yourself small achievable goals to reach - one day at a time

Keep strong, keep focused you can do this...

Kim x

Thanks for taking the time to post guys I really appreciate it. And you're right I am a lot more positive this time round! Slip ups make you realise where your weak spots are so if I slip up at the same point this time round then I will start to worry!!

Day 6 now...seems to be going really slowly, think its because I was up around the 50 day mark and now I'm back to the first week!

Just read a really good post from someone who had just been for councilling. He had a little boy and the councillor said something along the lines of 'imagine you're playing a game of poke and you put your little boy down as the bet'. o*g that almost made me throw up...that's exactly what I will be doing if I play roulette again...it would be like putting my husband and my little girl on a number and it not coming in and me losing everything 🙁 that's a reality check right there.

Sleeping much better now. Still not focusing on the debts. Keep my eye out for little bargains that I can buy so that we have things to look forward to. Off out for a meal for our 2 year wedding anniversary tomorrow night (50%) off food bill and I just got 2 cinema tickets for £7 that we can use next week 🙂 think with me it's all about boredom and if I have something to look forward to it reduces the boredom!!!

Anyway...if I get through tomorrow (which I am 100% sure I will) that will be the first week over!

Have a good day everyone xxx