my 'addiction doctor' has been on me to 'work my program every day'.
last year, when i started seeing him, i said 'but I'm fine...I KNOW I'm not going to gamble'.
he says 'right, things are good. you are happy...but one day, bad s**t will happen. You don't know if your husband will make it home tonight...or if your children will. we just don't KNOW what's in store for us...and if you're not working your program, you won't be prepared to handle the bad s**t when it DOES happen.'
i didn't listen.
i am listening now.
and i didn't gamble today.
peg
great decision peg, and welcome to the forum.
yes, i think you are right, unless you have done some serious hard work on yourself that gambling demon remains lurking around.
for me it is about looking at the reasons why i gambled, but actually getting beyond those reasons to the core of my personality and seeing what needs changed there.
still have a way to go, but i am satisfied that i am on the right track.
we had a discussion in class last week about self actualisation. the state we arrive at when we know things are together for us. Our thoughts were around when we think we have reached that point that actually encourages an other growth spurt. So i guess that it is a continual process of development and growth, and that is exciting!!
so, working on yourself, working on your programme is much more than not gambling, its a journey in self development to take you to places that you have never been before
today is a good day, and i am living every moment to my full potential
funny that you say that Carol-ann, in another visit with him, when, again, he was pushing me to 'work the program' I said, indignantly "BUT I'M NOT GAMBLING!" and he says to me, in frustration "If you think that you're here to stop gambling, then you haven't been paying attention!".
I am confused.
of course I'm here so that i don't gamble. I want my life. I can't have my life if i gamble, etc.
he says "I'm not here to keep you from gambling. I'm here to help you to become Happy, Joyful and Free!"
That stuck in my head...Happy, Joyful and Free. I want to be there.
Am on my way.
thanks for being here Carol-ann
and i didn't gamble today.
peg
I have always done the right thing. I am a great daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee, citizen…every role I took on, I threw myself into and did it well. I am honest and generous. I am dependable. I am a caretaker. I am fun to be around. I am happy.
🙂
I like to think of this as the *real* me.
But then
I became consumed. I took on the role of compulsive gambler and I did THAT very well too 🙂
If I wasn't gambling, I was thinking about gambling, thinking of a way, of an excuse, to get away from where I was and get to a machine.
Every errand took an hour more than it should have.
I'd spend the entire day gambling every day that I could. I would blow thousands of dollars. I couldn't leave. I would ONLY leave when I had exhausted whatever funds I had access to on that day OR when I was late…my children would go to after-school care so that I could gamble. Often, I was late picking them up…they'd be the last ones there…and the woman that'd pick them up (me) was crazed…panicked… I was late picking them up, husband was on his way home, the house was a wreck, dinner wasn't cooked (perhaps there weren't even any groceries TO cook) AND, most likely, I had just lost a fortune.
I'll bet THAT was fun to be around.
I would stand up family and friends cuz I couldn't leave. I rarely worked. I was a liar and a thief. I was not dependable. I was self-consumed. I was a psychotic b**ch. I was miserable.
I was never there for my husband or my children, because, even when I was with them, I wasn't present.
It's difficult for me to comprehend how the *real* me could have become that *other* me….but I did.
But I'm here now. *Really* here.
And I didn't gamble today.
peg
Hi peg
Welcome to the boards, I hope they can help you to stay the real you and not let that other persona get control again.
All the best
Jim (last bet 22/04/06)
Hi Peg,
I could have written that. You described me to a tee. Even down to the being crazed picking up the kids late. Like you, I didn't leave if I was ahead, I stayed and spent every last dollar I had access to, sometimes going home, getting more money and going back. Everything and everyone in my life were neglected. We are great daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, employees and citizens. That is the real us. That person that was here (for me the last 7 years) isn't the real me.
You and me Peg, taking our life back. The "real" us.
Take care.
40 Something
Your last entry really touched me Peg. I belive almost everyone of us could have find himself in this entry. Everybody here in some time of his life did things he is not proud of...
I will come to read what is new with your life again ...
jim- I just read your diary through August...will catch more later -- a lot of wisdome you have gained "You get what you put into this life, so I intend to put in a lot"
but my favorite, so far "I will try never to forget what i become when I gamble."
you are so right...complacency - thinking we're better - we need constant reminders of who we are and what we could become (if not careful).
some of the things that you write about are foreign to me (fruit machines? the m5? m6?) but then...some things are universal...
like the guy that you saw playing the fruit machine...the look on his face - thankful that it wasn't you...I see this/feel this too - it's video poker here...three machines in almost every restaurant or bar.
then, there's the beautiful beautiful letter that you wrote to Jackie.
I am certainly pulling for you...keep doing what you're doing!
40 something - I wonder how much that (being 'good' my whole life...being the strong one...being so dependable)
played a part in my addiction --- when i was gambling, i was in a 'bubble' it was very difficult for anyone to penetrate the bubble (and if they did...like if a fellow gambler attempted to make conversation..I'd be aggravated...leave me alone..i'm not here to TALK)..i could go to a crowded casino...thousands of people, yet, I heard no noise, i was barely aware that i wasn't alone. -- I wonder how much my REAL roles helped to send me there??? hmmmm - i'll have to give that some thought.
are you going to start a diary?
sinisa - you're right...we've all done things that we're not proud of...
honestly, I don't beat myself up over that stuff. I know who the *real* me is... but I am have GOT to remember (and so, I must recall) who I was and what I did so that I don't go there again...
I haven't done anything that I'm not proud of today 🙂
peg
thankful to be here.
Hi Peg.
I know the "bubble" you are talking about and the not wanting to talk to anyone around you. Leave me alone, I just want to sit here and push my buttons. I especially liked the people who were happy for me when I won and all I could think about was well now I am only down $1500 for the day, the "win" didn't even make a dent. I believe the being "good" my whole life, definately contributed to my addiction, but it was also a combination of alot of other things.
I am not sure about the diary thing yet, fortunately, I am almost at day 100. I still think about gambling alot, but try several different diversions to get me to stop thinking about it. I am nervous about the diary, only becuase this is all new to me. It took me 3 months of being on here, even to register. I have admitted this to myself, and to my husband. My friends and family won't hear any of it because I am too "strong" of a person to let this addiction get the best of me. They refuse to believe it could ever happen to someone like me.
I will tell you a let about myself though, as you already know, I am from the USA, upper midwest. I am a 44 year old female (who acts like I am about 25). I have two children, a 18 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I have a wonderful husband who has way more patience than I would have ever had if the shoe was on the other foot. He finds gambling boring, but he is trying to understand the addiction. I have a wonderful core group of girlfriends which is how all of this started for me about 7 years ago on a trip to Vegas with the girls. I found that when I was sitting in front of a machine, I was in another world, noone yelling Mom, etc. It was an escape.
Sorry to be so long. I guess I could have started a diary with this post 🙂
I really think Peg, that you and I are alot alike. I can definately see myself in the majority of your posts.
I will post more tomorrow and maybe even start a diary. Will see. Hubby and I are going out with friends moonlight bowling tonight. Haven't done that in a long time.
Take care Peg and have a great Saturday night.
40 something
hey 40 something...i am wondering if we are long lost twins? well, not twins..I'm 42...but we certainly share a lot of similarities.
I have two boys, 13 and 14 (almost 15). They do not know about this (yet...there will come a time when i share my story with them).
My husband is fabulous. I *KNEW* that when I told him what I'd done I would have to find another place to live (he once told me that, had the shoe been on the other foot...if he had done this...that I would not forgive him...I'd like to think that he's wrong, but I'm really not sure). Anyway, he's still here and he is so supportive and we're happier than ever. It *did* take a while to get back to happy, tho. 🙂
almost 100 days!!! you GO girl. I placed my last bet 10-30-06
the last time that i was in recovery, i counted days and my date was SOOO important to me (I wanted an 'old' date...like a lot of those happy people i saw in ga).
but i am learning
that my # clean days is not important
having an old or a recent date is not important.
(for me)
that today i am honest and truthful and present (physically and emotionally) for my family and friends
that today, i will not gamble
THAT is what is important (to me)
Have fun bowling.
peg
Hi Peg,
I thought I would check back with you before I go bowl. I was thinking of the long lost sister thing too. Lot of similiarites there. Like you, my kids aren't aware of the extent. They know that I missed alot of things, because "I was out with my friends" which is an excuse I used often. My husband and I are happier than ever too. I don't know if I could have handled this the way he has. I to like to think that I could have dealt with it if it were him, but I don't know. My reaching the 100 days is because of this site, and reading stories and advice. So I will be here for you Peg when you reach that 100 days. With the holidays and everything, it will be here before you know it.
When I posted to you, that was the first time I had ever even looked at the number of days that it has been because I have been trying to take it one day at a time. I have never made it this long before, 30 days yes, never this long. Keep on this site Peg, that is what got me this far.
Talk to you soon.
40 something,
what, exactly, is your 'clean date'?
do you attend ga meetings?
i have set up an email account (aside from my REGULAR account) -- you might want to do the same thing...if you want to, you can email me anytime at [email protected]
see ya!
i don't recall which trip this was...it was probably in 1999 or 2000.
it was late...ummm...very early 🙂 and i had been up all night --- i slept very little (if at all) on trips to vegas.
the casino was pretty empty...people cleaning carpets and such...i had been sitting at a machine for just a short while - maybe an hour...i was feeding it $100 bills.
i had hit a jackpot ($6 or $700??) but i'd put a lot more in, and i was chasing.
i was wearing designer shoes and outfit (I have a shopping problem too) - which i paid a fortune for.
i was in a size 4 at the time. I looked *good*. but that mattered very little.
I was in my bubble.
after a while
i started squirming in my stool.
i had to pee.
there was no-one around. I could run to the bathroom and come back and jump right back on the same machine.
but i couldn't leave.
i could never leave.
i have missed family meals.
i have missed dr. appts.
i have missed oh, so so many things, because i could never leave.
and that night
i sat right there in my stool
and P***** all over myself.
because i couldn't leave that machine.
but i didn't gamble today.
peg
Hi Peg
What an honest and open account you have written there and although i didnt get that far i certainly sat at a machine all day without eating or drinking so as not to lose it...so i can really relate to you here!!!
I remember once that i couldnt get any money out of the cash machine that was provided which meant i had to leave the building and use another one...i left some credit in the machine and asked someone to watch it for me..i didnt know them but they said yes..anyway when i came back i nearly had an heart attack..someone was on my machine!!I felt sick and wanted to kill the people i had asked to watch it!!It nearly caused a bad argument but i remember putting the rest of my money in and walking out empty pockets..feeling sick and kicking myself...knowing i would get the third degree when i got home from the kids...where have you been??etc..etc
Well i dont want to dwell too much on the past but as you say it has to be remembered so we dont retun there or become complacent..we become crazy..our actions are not normal...and when you look back you cringe...but...we have recognised that and are now addressing it.
I have been clean for 25 days now and im looking forward to my next G.A meeting on weds...I have 4 children..20,15,13 and 17 months..they are about to have a game of cards...for money..nothing expensive..10p's and that but i...im going to have a bath...i really dont want to even do that any more...id feel like im betraying everyone and more so myself...i really do want to kick it this time...so its 'no' to everything from now on!!!
Goodluck and have a good week..stay strong
Tracie..x
Hi Peg,
Just to extend the welcome to you.
Thankyou for sharing your journey
Take Care
STAY STRONG
Kim xx
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