taking my life back

tracie jane -

i have done that many times--- left credits on a machine and had someone watch it. i'd have freaked out (course, I was not 'sane' anyway!!)

congrats on 25 days. good for you. one day at a time.

a bath -- sounds good. when i am in the cycle i don't do anything for me... any spare time i have i sneak away.

i hate some of the things that i did while gambling..but for me, it's important to remember...

one day last week, i was late picking up my son (13 yrs) from school...just a few minutes...not even really 'late' but he wasn't happy BUT

I didn't feel the least bit guilty.

I COULDN't be there because I was having problems at work...

if i put my kids first all the time all the time all the time, then when I CAN'T (for a very good reason) it's ok with me...because i know that i have my priorities in order...i REFUSE to make my kids wait for me due to trivial reasons...

but I have to *remember* what I've done to get to the point where I refuse to go there again.

thanks for being here.

and for listening.

peg

Hi Peg,

Again, all stories and situations I can relate to. I never ate, drank, etc. and the only time I went to the bathroom was when I was on my way to the ATM. I stayed up for 36 hours one time. Kids kept calling me wondering where I was. Made up all kinds of excuses of course.

My "Clean" date is 7/31/06. So 3 plus months. This time.

I do not attend GA meetings yet. I haven't gotten up the guts for that yet. My children are in alot of activities, so my "excuse" right now is that there isn't a meeting near me that fits my schedule.

I know this is a step that I need to take, I just haven't gotten there yet.

I will e-mail you sometime.

Son wants to use the computer. Gotta go.

Talk to you soon.

it's hard for me to get to meetings as well (same thing...kid's schedules, etc.) but for now, this is good.

i have mixed feelings about the meetings...i put off going (when i haven't been in a while) but then...going feels so GOOD .. i will have to try to get back soon

not pushing on the e-mail..just if you'd feel more comfortable talking in private.

g'night

peg

gentleness.

on another board, someone posted the other day "So many areas of our lives can benefit from the application of gentleness."

gentleness.

that's one quality that I've never worked on acquiring...never thought too much about it...thought of 'gentle' as a verb...not a 'quality' that I might posess.

I can be thoughtful, and kind, and at times I am gentle...

perhaps, if I practice being gentle with others, I can also be gentler with myself.

i didn't gamble today.

peg

It has been a few days, but, while i haven't posted here, i have been working on my recovery. went to a f2f meeting last night. i think it's been about a year since my last meeting.

Lots of people with new dats...people that had many consecutive ODAAT before Katrina now have new dates.

some are still back in the cycle.

funny how, when i am out of it (the cycle) everything is so *clear* to me...the difference in ME is so clear to me...and why don't i listen to people when they try to tell me that? when they try to get me to go back to meetings, to get back into recovery? cuz when i'm in it i cannot conceive of getting out. it doesn't seem possilbe, nor is it something that i want...but then, on SOME level, I obviously DO want it (why else would i have ended up here?)

anyway

still struggling with the idea of a hp

am stuck in that right now

but

i didn't gamble today

peg

when i am in the cycle, it is impossible to believe that there is a way out...that i can be happy without my bubble.

once i break free, i can see my addiction for what it is...how pathetic I become when I am in it.

I want my life.

When my addiction begings to rationalize to me -- trying to get me back into the cycle, I need to stay AWARE.

I need to remain aware of my options -- to stay here, in the real world, with family, freinds, enjoying real pleasures, living, or to numb, to escape and to abandon.

for today, i choose to remain present in my life.

peg

Hi Peg, what you said in your last posting applied to myself too. I havent gambled since the summer and although everything didnt suddenly become perfect in my life, it certainly improved it.

I spend more time with my family and friends. No more lying about where I am, no more turning the mobile off so they cant ruin my gambling time.

And yes my family see a less irritated, irrational person always thinking of gambling, and a more calmer and interesting person to be around.

Way to go Peg, keep it up. Joy

hi peg been reading your story it mirrors many on here the fear the self hate and the same old saying never again but back the next day l have played till hall was closed and been first on the door the next day so l could try to get back what l had lost the previous night never did or if l did put it back in the slots again l think you must be proud of yourself for getting this far if you read the diary l have made you will see what l mean the highs and the lows and there has been a lot of them but now have not gambled for 15 weeks which l am proud of good luck stay strong loza

Hi Peg

thank you guys for your responses.

It is comforting to have a place to go where there are others that can relate.

Today is my 23rd consecutive day without gambling. It is strange how that affects nearly every aspect of who I am.

I feel grounded, whole and sane.

Not only am I not gambling, I am living again. I am reconnecting to friends and family that I neglected when I was in my disease.

Disease. The first time I stopped gambling, in 2002, and began attending G.A. meetings and seeing a counselor, I was loathe to call it a disease...

First of all, cancer is a disease.. diabetes is a disease.

To me, this implied that it wasn't my fault. In fact, back then, I probably lapsed a few times because I had an excuse...'I had a disease'.

I now know that this *is* a disease...if it were not...how would it be that there are thousands and thousands of people, worldwide, all with the same symptoms?

Also, in 2002, an 'old-timer' at GA brought me a copy of the AA 'Big Book'. He told me to read it. He told me that everywhere the book says Alcohol, to mentally substitute Gambling.

It was me. Everything that they said about alcoholism is true for me with my gambling...what this says to me is that my disease is not gambling. My disease is addiction. I have the same disease as an alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive shopper or compulsive eater. The difference between us is our drug of choice.

So I am learning, living and healing.

and i did not gamble today.

peg

way to go peg, its so good to hear you so bubbly and enjoying your gambling free days.

its also good to know that you are beginning to really get to grips with yourself.

hang on in there, it can only get better

today is a good day, and i am living every moment to my full potential

there was a time, when i first enterd a g.a. meeting, when i was sure that i could never be happy again.

i would see people at the meetings, smiling, laughing, happy. hmmph...obviously their pain never got as bad as *mine* did...

Today, I am happier than I have been in many years. It is sad to think that only four years ago I thought that the world would be better off without me...that my family could use the insurance money to pay off debts...that i couldn't admit what i'd done and face those that i'd lied to. I wanted to die.

Today, that is sad and so difficult to understand. What was I thinking? How did I get to that place? And how AMAZING that it is that I am here and i FEEL THIS WAY today.

and i did not gamble today,

peg

🙂

i remember the desperation i felt when i first walked into a g. a. meeting... the fear, the certainty...

i was certain of so many things...

i was certain that my husband would never be able to forgive me if he found out what i'd done.

i was certain that the huge debt that i'd accumulated would hang over my head for as long as i lived.

i was certain that i could not stop gambling. not for a day or a week, and surely not for a month, a year or a lifetime.

without question, i was certain that i could never really be happy again.

i was ashamed and embarrassed and angry at myself.

i was hurting.

i was hopeless.

sometimes my disease tries to convince me that just once won't hurt...just a few dollars won't really matter, but the 'real' me knows that that is not true.

losing a few dollars would not be tragic...the fact that i had returned to the disease *would* be.

if i go today and i win, i will not stop.

if i *do* stop, i will go back tomorrow...having seen that the results of today weren't so bad.

then the next day and the next day and i will stay longer and longer and i will lose more and more and i will miss appointments and i will neglect my family and friends and i will abandon myself.

not today.

peg

Hi Peg

Kim xx

Hi Kim, thanks for asking.

I am doing so well. I spend a lot of time on another problem-gambler-support site that has a chat room that is open 24/7 and more often than not, someone is there. I am learning a lot...getting stronger every day.

I have asked someone there to be my cyber-sponsor and I'm really working on me...on doing whatever it is that i have to do to stay well.

i saw that you posted a link to someone else a while back and i started to look at it...didn't finish yet (I have sOOOOOOOO much I am trying to read/absorb right now) -- regarding healing the inner child....

anyway, i am doing it...getting through it....one day at a time.

It feels GOOOOOD.

xoxoxox

peg