taking my life back

lots of things happening for me...not externally..inside...realizing things about myself--

i have always been busy..do this, do that, hurry here...i am always tense, anxious..with more on my plate that i can possibly handle..and even when i've nothing to do...I cannot sit and relax...because i feel that i SHOULD be doing something...even when I am not running late, I am in a hurry..because that is my 'normal' state.

that was me long before i began gambling.

long before.

even if i looked like i was relaxing on the outside...my insides were moving quickly...always frantic..busy..thinking...

geez

that was no way to live.

i don't live that way today.

oh, i still slip back into old habits..after all...i have spent the better part of my life that way..so this...this new way...this slower peg..this calmer way...it takes practice...it takes being aware of how i am feeling and behaving..but every once in a while now, i find myself, at peace, without any effort at all.

I deserve my life.

I deserve peace....

and joy.

so do you.

peg

xoxo

So true Peg, we all are entitled to a bit of peace and contentment. You have earnt the right to sit and watch the world scuttle about its business. maybe act upon some of those dreams you have had.

Life doesnt stop but for a while there is nothing wrong with doing exactly that...nothing and enjoying the peace it can bring. Enjoy the moment. Jan x

Hi Peg,

Reading your posts always lift my feelings and the replies you make to me and others always make so much sense, you seem to be at ease and peaceful with your life at the moment , im glad you can enjoy it that way because im certain you desserve it, all the best

Ben

hello peg - just been to safe harbor and no one was there - i will check back in a bit! i am so so tempted to gamble but i must stay focused and enjoy the feeling of not being broke! i am going to give my atm card to mum today as then i have no means to gamble! i had to tell her a fib - but its worth it so i can't spend! i have to withdraw cash today to pay a bill - but apart from that i will get myself a few pounds for the week! i am ok with "real" money - its the "online" i struggle with! but i am not going to gamble TODAY!

love always x x x

Hi Peg

popping in to send you thanks and hugs

Lots of love,

Kerrie

Hi peg, wow i read your post to John about the machine being your best friend..thats me. I have isolated myself from the world and for the life of me i cannot figure out what it was i use to do before gambling.Did i not have a life before this or was i just bored more than now..This is so crazy. I need help

recent conversations with recovery friends have me thinking about my early days of abstinence...

it's kind of like childbirth....i can remember that it hurts like h*ll -- but can I REALLY recall what it was like?

I think I'd only have one child if I could - lol

but...what DO I remember? i remember feeling lonely..the fact that no one (in my real life) was aware that I had been gambling at the time meant that I couldn't celebrate my success with them... well..not that they would understand what a Huge feat I had accomplished anyway...I suppose the only people who can really celebrate our victories with us is us....others that can truly understand what it means to be gamble-free after having been held captive for a time.

I was lonely for a lot of other reasons too...I had isolated myself from people who love me..both physically and emotionally..and simply stopping gambling didn't enable me to magically reappear in their lives as if I'd never been 'away'...it has been a slow process...reclaiming my loved ones....having them back in my life and being present for them, as well.

lonely...and what else? confused...yes, very confused...how did this HAPPEN to me? what is wrong with me? and why am I unable to just STOP (or...better yet...continue to gamble, but remain in control while I do).

there was also grief....having lost what i THOUGHT to be my best friend...my consoler...

there was a bit of arrogance as well...once i talked to others like me...thinking that *I* was not like them...*I* could do this...*I* could ___ hmmm I'm not even sure...i suppose was different at different times...at one time i felt that i could learn to control my gambling....at another time i felt that i could stop gambling without any help from others....

and so much pain

pain from all of the cr** that i did in order to gamble.

and the cr** that i DIDN'T do too.

and pain from the consequences of gambling, financial and otherwise.

SO

I stopped gambling and had ALL OF THAT going on....PLUS...LIFE and all of that things that go along with it....

I mean...your average joe out there has to deal with things... spouse, kids, job, bills, health..and it's not easy..

but US...we have to deal with all of those feelings that come along with abstinence PLUS spouse, kids, job, bills, health and ______ (fill in the blank)...

AND

we have been numb for a while.

so all of this is overwhelming...these feelings.

then...after abstaining for some period of time we get excited...things are BETTER!!! and I CAN DO THIS!!! we feel strong and as if there may be some future after all....and perhaps there is a bit of happiness in it.

It's no wonder we're on an emotional roller coaster for a while.

Then...on top of everything else....now that we've begun feeling and thinking....we realize that there are things that we must address.....((((Claire)))))).... be they admissions and/or amends to others...the reality is often disturbing..and the prospect of facing those things brings out so much fear and anxiety...

Let none of us here think that what we are doing is not huge.

It is huge.

It is magnificent.

We are NOT weak people...this is not about being weak...it is not.

It is a process....it will be different for each of us...but in many ways it will be the same.

Thanks to everyone for being here.

I could not do this alone.

Love,

Peg

What a fantastically truthful post Peg, I'm so glad you shared and even gladder I read your share. Dealing with our feelings has been the hardest part for me in my recovery so far.

Four years ago I admitted my powerlessness and unmanageability around my alcohol and drug taking, 18 months later I tackled my addiction to nicotine. I thought I was pretty smug ( arrogance ). I thought there could not be any more layers to unravel. Then as my emotional honesty was being tested, I had to admit my powerlessness over gambling, ( not very fair ) I thought, so I came along and got involved with this forum for 6 months and was Abstaning from gambling. Eventually I relapsed because I had no recovery.

I'm now three month gamble free and in Recovery, working a programme and being really honest. Things have been really good for me since I decided to get really honest, glad your here Peg, lovely to read your post and relate to so much of what you shared, God Bless John. x

A beautiful post peg!

I always read your posts because it gives me hope and helps me feel love and peace, instead of confusion and anxiety.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Lydia XXX

Hi Peg,

Just popped in to say hello!

Jackie xx

Hi Peg!

I relate so much - thankyou for writing. I have isolated myself from my world - well - I isolated myself whilst gambling - but I am still doing it. For the reasons you mentioned - it's all a bit too much. I don't want to feel my feelings - cos it's not that long since i felt so out of control - i don't want to feel overwhelmed again. Part of my problems with SF is that i've hunkered down, gone into myself.

Work is busy, and then there's children - and i feel fragile and vulnerable. I know i can't do this forever - limiting my world - but fuckit! It feels right for now. It's only a couple of months since I was seriously considering suicide - and, as you say - the people out ther don't understand how far I've come from that, and what it means to me.

Actually Peg, i have found your post incredibly affirming - and it has helped me understand my state of mind. I feel much clearer. Thankyou so much.

Lots of love,

Kerrie

Hi Peg, can really relate to your post. Cant celebrate becos we cant confide without being judged, and although its a big deal for us to stay gamble free, others would condemn us for not being strong enough in the first place.

Feeling fragile some days is so true. I do think it is when our brains start to get back to normal but first it has to go through all those hidden emotions. We tend to switch off when gambling anyway and block off the bad ones as we are not sure we could cope with guilt that gambling causes.

So looking forwards and not back to the time I too can feel at peace with myself.

Love Jan x

you all have made some wonderful points...

John - deciding to get really honest....I am still learning what that means...thought I was honest...wasn't aware of the fact that I was hiding things from myself. Getting honest hurts...but is absolutely necessary, I believe.

Kerrie - I don't want to feel overwhelmed again...I know....boy...do I know.

Jan- feeling at peace...well..that's what it's all about now, isn't it?

and hi ((jac))

(((Lydia))) love and peace instead of confusion and anger....I cannot think of anything that I would rather have said about me...thank you for that.

We are going out of town again tomorrow...it is nice to have money to do things again...for so long..we cut out EVERYTHING EXTRA (in order to pay off debt)...today...I am living my life.

take care,

love,

peg

Hi Sweetie,

I'm glad you related to the "overwhelmed" thing - it's a big thing for me, avoiding my feelings out of fear, and its not helpful in the end. They grow (and distort) in the dark!

Had a good oucome with SF on Friday - didn't expect it - but obviously some of this recovery stuff is working!

Rereading what I posted to you - it may be time for me to "hunker down" a little less - not sure quite how yet - but took some emotional risks on Fri and survived. Maybe it's time to examine how self-protective i really need to be. Scary! Guess there is more yet to unfold....

Hope you have a lovely break. Thankyou so much for your support.

Love

Kerrie

Hope you enjoyed your break Peg?

Kim xx