taking my life back

hey (((Kim)))

we're still on vacation...at the beach

enjoying it? hmmm well...i'm having fun...spending time with family...relaxing

but i'm having one of those funky times again...is not really a mood...is hard to describe...i feel very ?insecure? that's it...i do not feel safe and warm and loved...

it doesn't make sense, because of course i am those things...

i think that something that kerrie said touched on it a little...Maybe it's time to examine how self-protective i really need to be. Scary! Guess there is more yet to unfold....

self-protective...that may be exactly what this is about....

well...this too shall pass...and....my worst day now is better than my best day when i was gambling...so....all is well.

Hi peg

Love the idea that our worst days are, better than our best days when gambling, that is so,so true.

Sorry to hear you are in a down mood, just want to say that I have read so many of your comments to others and you make some really inspirational and helpful thoughts.

Keep helping others and hope tomorrow brings a better day...

X Doodle X

Hi Peg

I hear you, Sweetie... I hear you.

Lots and lots of love,

Kerrie

Hi Peg,

A day after my last post to you, and things have started to unfold!

My life is very stressful - the kids are needing help and support - work is very busy and stressful, and i have full responsibility for managing someone else's business. I really like and have respect for these people I work for, and vice versa I think - but we have our battles! And I am trying to save for my daughter to go overseas in September - and I am struggling with that, too.

So, in letting go of my protective shell - in becoming more "emotionally available", it is MY OWN feelings that i experience full force. I am feeling pressured, overwhelmed - and i keep crying in response - I'm not sure why, or what that emotion really is. Weirdly, in a way I feel better for it, and feel closer to those around me (even my bosses!) - but it makes me wonder how i can go on working like this.

I feared being overwhelmed with grief and despair - going down a black hole - and this hasn't happened. I'm emotionally messy, but not drowning (thank goodness!).

When SF stepped up to the plate, my hard shell cracked - and i was able to feel how much he cared for me. My life is so busy, i feel like i'm not taking proper care of myself - but i am feeling affection, kindness, and even love for myself at the moment. I have to find a way to make all I have to do, work better....

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you - I guess i was wondering if we were having similar experiences.

Wishing you happiness, peace and joy (wishing it for me, too!),

Love,

Kerrie

Hi Sweetie!

Gee, you do me some good! In away, 5 and 6 are quite apt for me right now (although the nicest thing I've ever promised myself is never again to a formal fourth!)

I think you are probably right about the "dark hole" - it's a condition that occurs when my disease is active - and i am having a much appreciated break from that at the moment.

There is such wisdom in the steps - it is a simple and practical programme - but sometimes the language makes us sound more "defective" than we really are. Someone wise once explained to me the essence of humility - that "everyone is doing the best they can". I came to believe that step 6 is about coming to some loving acceptance of the parts of ourselves we dislike - about bringing them into the open - about not taking our faults too seriously. "Entirely ready" is almost tongue in cheek - nowhere does it say God is going to cleanse us of our defects! The challenge is to recognise ourselves, and accept there are things we could do without.

The things that make me good at my job (that bloody stoic determination! Being able to give myself utterly to the task or customer at hand) are the very things that cause me to stuff up ( I get overtired and drained so I lose things, forget things, make dumb mistakes, and so on). I like the good part - i am learning to accept the bad.... I am doing the best I can!

Having written this more becomes clear - my tears are sadness that i am somehow letting myself down - ergot I have an expectation that i "should" somehow be doing better. I have learnt the gentler and kinder i am to myself - the gentler and kinder I will be with others - SO perhaps that is really what needs to be addressed! Crikey, not what I expected at all!

We humans seem to have an imperfect concept of perfection - maybe you (and I) are already just where we are meant to be - be kind, gentle and loving with yourself Sweetie - the Peg I know deserves it.

Loads of love and thanks,

Kerrie

i soooo agree....acceptance is what this is all about...acceptance of others AND of ourselves...it's the 'bringing them into the open' that is so uncomfortable..and getting to the acceptance part is indeed a process (for me)..but i'm getting there 🙂

it is so natural for me to nurture those in my path...and i am really not HARD on myself...never have been...but ignoring how i feel, in many ways is hurtful...i need to learn to treat myself...as you say...as gently and kindly as i treat others.

acceptance - 'warts and all' as they say 🙂

love you ((kerrie)) thank you,

peg

xoxo

Hi Peg,

...but ignoring how i feel, in many ways is hurtful

Yes! Yes! Yes! We wouldn't knowingly ignore the pain of our partners, or children, or friends - or our fellow cgs - we just wouldn't be that cruel! Yet we will do it to ourselves! It is some form of self-protection - a coping strategy. But what are we protecting ourselves from?

I suspect that active addiction taught me (again) that i couldn't trust myself at quite a deep level. Writing that, I feel a bit sad - because prior to cg, I really did trust myself - was able to make decisions confident that I could deal with whatever arose in a positive fashion.

(Wow, Peg - that was one of those big moments - a realisation of how much of myself i lost in active addiction )

Recent history has taught me I am regaining my lost self - I don't have to be afraid of myself. I have survived peeling off the first layer - only about 6 dozen to go!lol

Funny - I whinge about others not listening to me, but I'm not that good at listening to myself! I seem to have to learn this lesson over and over - the behaviours in others that give me the s***s, are usually the things in me i don't like. Can't even indulge in a bit of "righteous indignation" - b****r!

I feel very lucky to be on this journey with you - in reading your posts, and thinking about what you have written, I find out so much about what is happening with me - thanks for being here.

Lots of love,

Kerrie

PS: Hope you don't mind - might cut and paste some of this into my diary - too lazy to write it again! lol

Hi Sweetie,

Just reread your last post to me, so I thought I'd clarify a bit.

I did my first fourth about 18months into my first recovery. I was 25 at the time. I was a pretty lame kind of drug addict - and had done things i wasn't proud of - but really, it was all pretty mild - the person i had hurt the most was myself! Did more damage in a year and a half of gambling, truth be told!

I had heard many people share about how 4,5 and 6 had set them free - and i was suffering a lot of shame and guilt - so, with a sponsor, I proceeded. When i think about it now, some of the 4th step guides were borderline hilarious (there was one we used to call the "chickenfucking" guide, because it had specific questions about which animals you had s*x with - all of my animals were human!)

Anyway, I did the best i could, but i felt i had failed to self flagellate enough! Gives you an idea of my state of mind! My poor sponsor - I had the feeling she felt a bit out of her depth - but she did make one very salient point - most of my disasters were a result of my attempts to control: outcomes, my feelings, how others felt about me....

Really, now I think about it - that was extremely helpful - life changing! 'cos i have been very aware of it - and have actively worked to step around it - ever since. Not always successfully, mind you!

Anyway - the point i am getting to is - doing self awareness work in counselling and groups has actually been a lot more productive than the fourth was for me - 'cos i have dealt with things in chunks, rather than as a whole - and gained a lot more awareness as a result. And ultimately, I gained more "recovery", and a greater understanding of the steps, outside the rooms than in. HOWEVER the rooms were my daily antidote - however imperfect, they kept me clean for eleven years.

This brings me to why I left. It became difficult to tell my "war story" and support my new sponsees - cos so very much had changed! I felt a fraud, really. And I was worn out with working around the unwellness of others (bearing in mind, people attend meetings to GET well, not cos they are - and it takes some people a REALLY long time!lol). I talked to my sponsor, who had recently completed her second fourth step - she had found it helpful in managing her issues in the fellowship - so I decided to give it a go.

WELL! I began, and was plunged into old griefs - long ago finished griefs - to a ridiculous degree - I was in despair - it was unbearable - and my sponsor (sensible girl) said STOP! Which is what i had decided to do, anyway. And the pain subsided. And about a year later, I realised my fellowship days were over - no use living in the past, anymore. They were not wasted years - I was helped enormously in the rooms - and helped others - but the constraints of the fellowship were becoming a barrier - time to let go and move forward.

The steps, however, are part of how i think, now. What i have come to realise is that i need support to maintain them in my life IN SOME WAY - even if it is not in the rooms. You are helping me to do that, Peg - to make the implicit, explicit. I am so grateful you are here....

Lots of love,

Kerrie

(((Kerrie)))

hugs to you --- I can so relate....when i did my step 4..it was kind of just an overview...like a catholic confession..there's this and there's that and blah blah blah...but NOW...I have been going thru these things (resentments actually...because...as you said...I am finding that the things that really bug the s**t out of me in others....in fact, are all about ME)...so...I am going thru them one at a time...in an effort to discover what about ME is the problem...some amazing things are happening...first of all..becoming aware of the things that I don't care for in myself...almost immediately changes it...just being aware of it makes me different...ohhhh, i know i'm not perfect (nor do I *have* to be anymore!) but...i am better...and it feels good 🙂 -- but an unexpected side effect is...as soon as I work thru a resentment...get to the bottom of it (how it is about ME) I no longer feel it (the resentment)...that has been amazing! that I could really really REALLY dislike someone...then..after having gone through this process..those negative feelings are gone...it sounds crazy...i certainly didn't expect it...but it feels GOOD!!!

anyway...i certainly understand what you say about 'dealing with things in chunks rather than as a whole'...the 'chunks' are tough enough....if i tried to do this all in one sitting..well...i just couldn't have...maybe some people can...i could not.

I used to think that a sponsor was necessary to 'guide' one through the steps....now...I think that to *love* one through the steps is what is really required.

JOY is what I'm after..and I have it much of the time...after each 'growth spurt' joy is more prevalant in my life...it is more easily accesible...but, each growth spurt has come on the heels of pain (most recently due to self discovery)...and as painful as it sometimes is..the joy that follows is worth it.

lol chickenf***ing guide..that's funny 🙂

The steps, however, are part of how i think, now.

well now (((Kerrie))) isn't that what we're after anyway?

it seems to me that meetings are necessary (to stay clean) for so many because...when people stop going to meetings..they stop WORKING and THINKING in steps.... i do not think i need meetings to be better..I need a different way of thinking and living...which the steps provide....attending meetings is just a way of keeping the program alive and active in my life (for now).

ahhhhh...no....i just re-read what you wrote...What i have come to realise is that i need support to maintain them in my life IN SOME WAY - even if it is not in the rooms.

THAT's what it is....we cannot do it alone....that's what it is (((Kerrie)))

at least *I* cannot.

lots of love to you too!!

peg

xoxo

Hi peg

thanks for your posts on my diary.

just read the last ones on yours between you and kerrie. i too cannot do this alone, unfortunately no GA here but i have a good family, a good circle of friends and now am in counselling - this is useful coz there are just some things you cant say to people you know.

thank you for your support as always, thinking of you ((peg))

take care, claire xx

Hi peg

thinking of you 🙂

claire xxx

Hi Peg!

I'm on a roll now! just wanted to share with you a little more of the story.

When I first left the rooms, I was in a pretty safe little world - I was working many hours (some paid, some volunteer) in a crisis counselling agency, dealing with suicide prevention and chronic mental illness. Because it wasa such a high stress field, we did a lot of personal and professional development work, and I had a lot of support.

I eventually moved, with my family, to another nearby (40kms) town, (to my own home!), and reduced my committment. So far, so good. Then, over the next 2 years, my world fell apart (as you know). Early on in the disaster, I resigned my positions in the agency - as I felt i was under so much stress I had become ineffective. But I didn't fully understand the consequences. I developed this brand new addiction - to gambling - something I had never really been interested in before. And my new addiction took over from where the old one left off - so i was really out of control really quickly. And I KNEW! It was horrible - but I couldn't extricate myself - I knew the way out of addiction - but i was isolated from recovery AND I COULD NOT PULL MYSELF OUT AND PRACTISE MY SKILLS WITHOUT SUPPORT! All that knowledge and experience was worth nothing, until I could find myself again in a supportive environment.

Incredible, isn't it. The "group" (or in this case the forum) truly acts for me as a higher power. I cannot maintain recovery without it. For sure, I'd be ok for a while - but I'm in deep trouble if the s**t hits the fan - I am an addict, and that's that. And - I really don't mind - I have the opportunity to appreciate and enjoy recovery. With you!

So, thankyou so much for being here - you help me enormously, Peg - just by being here and being you.

Hope you are enjoying your vacation.

Lots and lots of love,

Kerrie

but i was isolated from recovery AND I COULD NOT PULL MYSELF OUT AND PRACTISE MY SKILLS WITHOUT SUPPORT! All that knowledge and experience was worth nothing, until I could find myself again in a supportive environment.

well said, kerrie...well said!

we came home from vacation on Monday..but my step dad had a stroke (or something?) while we were away...he isn't doing very well..I've been reading daily but just haven't been up to posting.

It sure is something the way things work out tho...I had that rough 'down' period...working thru stuff while i was away...then...as i'm coming out of it..and once again am calm..serene...this happens....and i am so so grateful that i'm in a good place right now (emotionally)...these have always been the most difficult times for me...I'm doing OK tho....I'm sad...but...I am OK.

glad you're back..I enjoy your posts 🙂

and ((((Claire)))) you just keep doing what you're doing..it is so so hard to break free..but it is sooooooo worth it....you're doing great..roadblocks...posting...you'll be your 'party-girl self' again soon 🙂

love to you hon,

peg

Hi Sweetie!

Never seems to stop, does it! I'm so sorry about your stepdad - and for you. And I'm glad you had some time to find some peace before you faced this hurdle.

Thinking of you

love and hugs,

Kerrie

thanks kerrie.

it's amazing...that i am dealing with things so differently than i ever have before...amazing and a RELIEF!

anyway...life is not so good...but PEG is good...I am OK....

9 months today since I gambled....my whole world is different now...everything about my day...*I* am so different.

I found some short videos today that I found interesting....thought i'd share...

take care to all of you..see you in a week or so...going out of town again.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

you can do this 🙂

Love to all who read here...reach out...people care...and we 'get' it.

peg

xo