taking my life back

Hi Peg

sometimes when things are going good, life has a funny way of chucking a spanner in the works.

I know things are not great for you right now, but the "old" Peg would probably be feeding a machine right now, blotting out stuff?

Not you girl , your just living life on lifes terms.

Well done on your 9 months Peg, proud of YOU 🙂

TC STAY STRONG

Kim xx

Hi Peg!

NINE MONTHS! FANFUCKINGTASTIC! CONGRATULATIONS!

You sound like you are managing the latest hurdle with grace. An achievement! Wishing you the best, Sweetie.

Lots of love,

Kerrie

thanks 🙂

I'm just so glad that I'm participating in my life today.

Hey peg

thank you for all your support i hope that in 8 and a half months you will also be able to congratulate me! Well done on reaching your 9 months!

peg

A big WELL DONE on 9 months, it really is an incredible achievement. Your diary is inspirational, and so well written. You have not only tackled your own problems, but have helped so many of us along the way.

I hope we're all still here to see you make the year. Keep it up.....

X Doodle X

Hi

Have ben reading your posts and you have inspired me.

This is day 3 for me and I hope I can make it to where you are.

Its hard but this is the first time I really faced up to it all.

Don't want to go back to the sick way I always felt after a session online.

The lies I have told my husband are hauning me every minute, not sure how to cope with that part.

Take care.

W xx

Hi peg

well done on 9 months. thats fantastic. sorry to hear about yor rough time at the minute but sounds like you're dealing with things really well.

i'm hoping at some point i may have come as long a way as you have 🙂 fingers crossed.

take care, claire xx

Hi peg!

Well done on 9 months - I really thought it was longer - you have packed so much into that time. Not only working on your recovery but helping so many others.

So sorry things have got tough for you.

Thanks so much for all the help you've given me, I'm still slogging on through - up one minute, down the next, but I am coming to terms with things!

This time its my turn.

(((((((peg)))))))

Look after yourself, I'm thinking of you.

Love Lydia X

Hi Peg, congrats on 9 months. Hope you are enjoying your vacation. Jan x

thank you all...the best part about being free of gambling for nine months is that I HAVE LIVED THESE NINE MONTHS...they are not just a blur of hours spent at video poker or at the casino...

anyway....we are home 🙂

vacation was good...is good to be home tho!

now back to 'real' life...the stresses of work and family and bills and all of the c**P that life throws at us...sometimes it really stinks..the c**P...but..well, I'm coping. 🙂

I have the tendency to make mountains out of mole hills...EVERYTHING that doesn't go EXACTLY like I want it to (or expected that it would) is a crisis...instant panic...or anger.

I don't have problems making decisions...but..once i have...i expect everything to go just as i've decided...sometimes...the things that really really get to me are very minor things (well...not to ME they're not)...but..I am learning that..while there are many many things that I cannot control...if I really really try, more often than not, I can control the way I *FEEL*.

I just wrote (then erased) an example of this that occurred when we were away...I erased it because I am embarrassed...it really wasn't that big of a deal...i just MADE it one...or..started to, anyway 🙂 I caught myself and calmed down.

My gut reaction is to fly off the handle when things go wrong...but slowly, I am recognizing this when it happens..and taking steps.

Perhaps one day....after practicing this for a while...my natural reaction will be to relax...and go with the flow.

baby steps 🙂

HI Peg,

Welcome "home" 🙂

Kim xx

Hi peg

thinking of you 🙂

claire xx

sorry everyone...i haven't been keeping up with diaries...i read bits and pieces when i can..have been travelling a lot..then..so busy since i've been home.

the night before we went out of town i stayed at the hospital with my step dad...he had very little use of his hands and couldn't really do anything for himself.

I hated to leave him.

My brother visited every day..and his children saw him frequently also (i am so so happy for that)...but...about five days ago they placed him into a nursing home.

that was tough...the night that i spent with him..he told me that he didn't want to go there..he felt as if he was being discarded. he wanted me to check into some alternatives for him.

i made some phone calls as we drove...but...i knew...and HE knew..that there was really nothing that i could do for him...long story..but...i was not his next of kin.

they put him in a nursing home while i was out of town.

i have been so busy this week..I finally got over there to see him yesterday...I was there for 6 hours.

He died last night.

I'm really struggling today...he kept telling me yesterday..that..it's hell at night...no one there to help him...i called his daughter to see about getting him a sitter at night...i would help pay, whatever...she said she would look into it.

he slept off and on while i was there...each time he'd wake he would look over his shoulder to see if i was there.

when i left, he was sleeping...i keep thinking now..about him waking up and looking over and discovering that he was alone...and in all likelihood he was alone when he died..and i wonder if he was awake, and hot, or cold, or hurting..did he know he was dying? was he afraid?

I hate that I was not there.

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.

He spent his last Thanksgiving at my hone...what a beautiful day we had...I have spent a lot of time with him the last 5 months...since he was unable to drive, etc. and if i hadn't found safe harbor and gamcare last year...I wouldn't have been there for any of it

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for...but still...

my heart is broken...but i am ok.

Dear Peg, so sorry to hear of your loss. And I dont think anyone can say anything that would truly make you feel better about not being there when he died. But he did know one very important thing and that was that you cared and loved him. As you say, if you hadnt stopped gambling you would not have had the quality time to spend with him and he had someone to confide in his fears and reassure him and comfort him.

Take time out for yourself now and be at peace with yourself as emotionally you wlll feel drained. Each day will leave you with better memories of him and more able to remember him as he was.

God bless you peg. Jan x

Hi Sweetie!

I'm so sorry - particularly that you are worried about the circumstances of your step-dad's death.

Some years ago (bloody hell, more than twenty years ago!) I trained as a nurse in a hospice.Every few months we would each have a week of "specialing" - where our job was to look after only two or three patients who were close to death. Once you make someone comfortable, most of the time was spent sitting with the dying - waiting with them, really. Almost all were not really awake, and seemingly unaware - but how do you tell?

We were helped in this - someone would bring a cup of tea or a sandwich every now and then. But eventually, we would have to leave to go to the toilet (or go home!). Inevitably, even if i was gone for a few minutes (or I called the hospital from home) my patient would die - would surrender, it seems - when they were alone. It was so common - none of us would leave unless we had to - there was a sort of common wisdom amongst the staff that people often wait until they are alone. It seemed to me a very private journey, in the end.

I wish I could wrap up comfort - maybe some 'heart-ease" ointment - in a brown paper package and post it to you! Instead, sending virtual hugs. And wishing you peace.

Lots of love,

Kerrie