taking my life back

Hello,

Sorry to hear of the loss of your step-dad. Such a sad time, thinking of you Peg.

I think what Kerrie has posted about some people 'waiting' until they are alone, has also been my experience. He is now at peace Peg...remember the good times.

Love & hugs

Jackie xx

Hello Peg

I am so sorry for your loss. Some circumstances are beyond our control, as Kerrie says, you just can't be there each and every minute. You can take solace in the fact that you gave him, peace and comfort when you were there, he would have taken that with him.

Love

Rosemary x

thank you all so so much..and (((Kerrie))) I really really needed to hear that.

About two months ago I decided to volunteer for hospice...I have already had my interview and begin training next week...perhaps my experience there will reinforce what you (and others) have told me...and I can find peace.

His service is tomorrow...he will be buried with my mother.

I was thinking today...about this past Thanksgiving...he had dinner here with us...I was just a few weeks free of gambling..having stopped on 10 30 06... and that Thanksgiving was one of the best 'regular' days that I can recall ever having...it was just a good good day.

I do have many wonderful memories..and I have gone out of my way to do for him these past months...I know that...and I don't really feel GUILT..it's not that...and I don't really feel that *I* should have been there...I just wish *someone* had.

anyway...

at least I'm dealing with it all like a 'normal' person would.

thank you all...it is a comfort to have you.

xo

Hi Peg

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I know its hard but at least you know that you were there for him and did all you could.

When I lost my mum tho its 12 years ago now I remember feeling guilty despite rationally knowing I had cared for her for many years.

I think this is a very normal way to feel.

All the best

W

xoxox

Hi Sweetie,

Poor Darling - even grieving like a "normal" person sucks! Sending you lots and lots of hugs, back rubs, virtual chocolate (you have to imagine that!) and other suitable comforts.

Lots and lots of love,

Kerrie

Hi peg

really sorry to hear about your step dad. sending you lots of love and hugs.

i lost my auntie coming up 2 years ago now (she had no children so we were her only family) we sat with her morning noon and night at the hospice for 4 days. when we finally nipped home she died!

the hospice nurses said this is very common, like kerrie did.

they said its like they know you are there but that to see them die is just too much, like its just something you dont need to see.

i was glad of these comforting words. hope they help a little ((((peg)))) take care, lots of love, claire xx

Hi Peg. I dont do loss or grief very well and find it very hard trying to comfort anyone going through the same. My 25 year old brother commited suicide 7 years ago and I haven't honestly dealt with the loss yet. How you've dealt with your grieving has been an example in humility to anyone reading your post. I will remember you in my prayers, God Bless, John.

Condolences to you John for all those years ago, so tragic.

Rosemary x

I'm so grateful to you Peg for posting your own experience's of grief on my thread, your generosity knows no bounds! And thank you also for your very kind offer and your personal e-mail address. If in time I need to talk, I will not hesitate to contact you and I probably will.

My recovery is a process and now I know grieving is a process, thanks to you.

I'm just about to go away camping with the family for a week, but will be back posting soon, God Bless Peg & Thank You so much again. John. x

Hi Sweetie!

Just read your post to John....yep, grief really does suck - but you are right - it's much harder if it's put off...

Actually, I just thought about that. There isn't an easier, softer option. This is quite relevant for me. Kerrie, the avoider, the escape artist... who is slowly improving.... I guess...

Anyway, we either numb out and miss everything (not practical, by any means), or learn to take the good with the bad. And, I must remind myself, not get too embroiled in either (another Kerrie special - be consumed by one aspect of life, thus avoiding all others!)

Good on you, Peg, for facing this - for being present. I wish for us a rich and fearless emotional life. Joy, pain, and perspective. And discovering new strengths! Sending you lots of love and hugs - and encouragement - you can (we can!) survive our pain.

Oh! Coincidentally - October 10th is my birthday! And last year - very expensive it was, too! Glad i don't have to do that again....

Lots and lots of love to you,

Kerrie

i posted on this topic the other day at safe harbor...have gotten some feedback regarding it..evidently..so many people can relate and/or needed to hear it....so...thought I would share my thoughts here...

I am not sure what the definition of addiction truly is...I looked it up on the web..several sources...and some get close to it...but so far...I just haven't found the right words to say exactly what it is.

i don't pretend to have a definiton either 🙂

My experience with gambling did not BEGIN as an addiction...but I imagine that I gambled compulsively that very first time (tho I cannot recall it).

I am pretty sure that every time I have EVER gambled, I gambled compulsively.

The thing is...it didn't affect my LIFE.

I would go to a school fair, or a bingo, or to Las Vegas...wherever...and while I was there, I would gamble like a wild woman....honestly....long before gambling was a problem in my LIFE...my husband and i were in Vegas and we brought quite a bit of money with us..for just a short trip.

We blew it all (well...I cannot recall the details..but I imagine that he gambled like a normal person while I went crazy...then...I gambled away all of 'his' money too).

ANYWAY...I can remember the two of us going to the counter...we decided to take a cash advance on a credit card...after all, we were on VACATION!! LOL...this was before we all had ATM cards...wow..I'm showing my age here 🙂 ...the thing is...neither of us had ever taken a cash advance before (never had the need to)...and...we..or at least *I* was a little bit embarrassed that we had done that...and we agreed not to tell anyone.

Well

my husband has not done anything like that since that one time, probably 20 years ago...and *I* didn't do anything like that for another 10 years.

I probably didn't gamble for two years after that incident...didn't gamble, didn't think about gambling, nothing...but..gambling was obviously a problem for me way back then.

So...I had a gambling 'problem'...but...I could (and did) walk away from it easily.

But...the more I gambled...the more I WANTED to gamble...and I eventually got to the point where I actually NEEDED to gamble.

So..the compulsive behavior was always there...but..now..I was obsessed.

When I gambled, I gambled in wreckless desperation...when I WASN't gambling...I was THINKING about gambling...about how much money I had available to gamble with..when I would get more money...what I had to do to hide what was going on...can I talk anyone here into going to the casino...and if not...what excuse can I use?? where can I tell them that I have to go so that I can sneak off???

It was constant...the obsession..

For *me* THAT is the addiction.

*AM* I an addict?

Some would say no...after all...I was not ingesting anything...there was not a SUBSTANCE that I was craving..it was a behavior...can that truly be an addiction?

I don't think I've ever said this aloud before (does typing here count as 'aloud'?) but....when I was at the height of this thing...if I had been video taped..like candid camera...if every moment of my day were captured...

oh my

well..if you cut out all of the scenes where I was gambling (if you did that, it would be a very short film)..and you just watched my behavior when I was NOT gambling...and you didn't know that I had a gambling problem...you would watch that tape...ANYONE could watch that tape..and would think that I was a J****E.

Not always....when I was with other people..with my family or at work, I generally appeared very normal...but...when I was alone...

I can recall gambling one day..and running out of money....so I go to the bank, use my ATM card to get cash...hurry back to my machine...then that money is gone...can't go back to the bank...would look to suspicious (to my husband....although...that thought was so insane...if he ever saw a bank statement back then, he would have freaked out..REGARDLESS if I made two withdrawals in one day...twisted twisted thinking)..so I couldnt go back to the bank, but..I wasn't done..so I'd go to the grocery and buy something for $10 and use my ATM card to pay for it, and get $100 cash back....the bank statement will look like i paid $110 for groceries....I'd go blow that...then....I'd do the same thing at the pharmacy..get another $100...I can recall one particular day (although I am certain that this happened more than once) after having done all those other things, walking into my closet and...well..I have TONS of purses...and when I change purses lol I tend to take out what I need and put it in the new purse...leave all the junk (including change dropped in the bottom of the purse) in the old one..and place it on the shelf.

so i remember this one day...going into my closet and I am hurrying..the girl is saving my machine...I have to get back there...one purse then the next purse, collecting all of the change...and then..bringing that to a place that has a machine, counts the change CHARGES you a fortune (what did i care? i was flushing that money anyway)..all the while...I am antsy..hurried..needing to get back there...I imagine I looked just like a drug addict does...needing my 'fix'...

and the absurdity of it all...here I am cashing in change (and in all likelihood going home broke that evening) after hundreds (or more) of dollars had passed through my hands that day?

and at the end of the day...when my family would come home..I would feign normalcy..frantically cook, clean, take care of all of the things that I'd neglected to do all day..and then...once we'd eaten, and the tasks were done...I would start obsessing....what excuse can I use?

it's so hard to believe I spent so much time doing that.

no more.

Hello Peg,

I luv your posts and I don't care how old you are.

This is how *I* see it.

I can't stop doing something that makes my life worse than it has to be. I don't have to do it, but I want to do it, but I don't want to do it and every time I do it, it gives me more reason not to do it, but I continue to do it. I am addicted to something.

I can't stop doing something that makes my life worse than it has to be. I don't have to do it, but I want to do it, but I don't want to do it and every time I do it, it gives me more reason not to do it, but I continue to do it. I am addicted to something.

(((TTNY)))

THat may very well be the best description I have ever heard ...excellent!

good to see you posting 🙂

Hi Peg

Glad to hear you are still going strong...I have neglected this forum a bit recently so am trying to catch up on old friends.

Like TTNY says ..I love your posts...they say what I feel much better than I can say.

stay strong and stay in touch

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Hi Peg. I am new to the forum, and stumbled upon your posts. When I read them I saw ... me.

I too have spent all day in front of a machine and cashed in my coins to gamble. I too, have lied to my family, been late to meet them, or tried to rationalize my actions.

Recently, I have been trying to gain control of this and understand what makes me do it. For me, what started out as a rare visit to a casino with friends became a way to deal with a deep depression I was in after working a helicopter crash (I am in the military) and a breakup with my boyfriend. While I was sitting there in front of a machine, I didn't have to think about my dead, burned up friends. I didn't have to think about my boyfriend dating someone new. I didn't have to think about being alone and being lonely. And once I felt that disconnection from life's problems, I was hooked!

I've spent thousands upon thousands of dollars, and now, even though I have a good job that pays well, I am barely making it paycheck to paycheck. While I finally admitted my "problem" to a couple of my family members, I still haven't told them the true extent of how much money I owe, or how much I still want to gamble.

Thanks for sharing your post. It truly helps to read other people's experiences to know that I am not alone in wanting to stop this hell I've created for myself.

Let's stay strong together!

- Anna