taking my life back

i'm not around so much any more....i peek in occasionally...REALLY wanted to do some catching up with you all...but...ran out of time....

I'll be back later to 'visit' more....Lucy, Alice, so many of you that I wanted to get to....

so happy to see you still here...still posting..connecting....will catch up soon

Love,

Peg

hey peg great to see you 🙂 i haven't been around on SH at all much recently and have missed ya. i hope all is well with you.

alice x

"gambling is just not compatible with who I am today."

Peg just those few words are inspiring me right now - I keep saying them and gosh they make me feel empowered..

Love it Peg simply love it xx

Big Hugs

Lucy

xx

My son and I were having a conversation this morning which brought up the fact that I often have an inappropriate response to my emotions.

I hadn't really thought about this before, in terms of my gambling addiction...

but...

I DEFINATELY believe that many of us do not deal with our emotions in a healthy fashions (for sure *I* have not) --

and

g.a. says that this is an 'emotional' illness...

so I'm not the only one that think that our emotions play a role....

so I was curious if others here can relate to this:

If I am physically hurt....stub my toe, or cut myself (or even break a limb)...I will break out into hysterical laughter. If I see someone ELSE get hurt...I do this as well.

I always have.

Everyone knew it...I can remember..one day, as a teenager...on a hike, twisting my ankle....I screamed...and squatted down...holding on to it....everyone gathering around 'are you ok?' ..I couldn't respond...I was laughing too hard....someone said 'she's ok...she is laughing' my mom said....'uh oh...if she is laughing, she is hurt!'

I don't ENJOY pain...quite the contrary...I'm a wimp....and I do NOT think it's funny....I think it HURTS...but my RESPONSE to hurting....is laughter.

I will laugh if I see YOU get hurt too.

If I get particularly angry...I am likely to cry.

I am unable to control the response...it doesn't matter how badly i do NOT want to cry...or I do NOT want to laugh....it is an automated response.

The thing is...the EMOTIONS isn't inappropriate ---if you (or I) get hurt...I do NOT think that it's funny...not at all....

anyone else?

hey peg,

good to hear from you.

I remember when my grandad died. I was 9 and we were on holiday. Me and my older brothers and sister were playing a game and my dad came in to tell us that he had died. When dad left I burst out laughing. I remember my brother telling me to stop laughing that it wasn't funny.

Since then I remember quite a few occassions where I have laughed when I heard bad news but not so much when I am in physical pain.

I don't necessarily think it's about what's appropriate or inappropriate. We all deal with pain and grief in different ways. i didn't think oh grandad has died i best laugh. i didn't find it funny at all. I also think that laughing and crying are very similar to each other. I have certainly laughed so much that i ended up crying!

don't know if that helps at all really peg sorry.

alice x

Hi Peg

You are so right. I do that, when I get really angry I cry and then it annoys me even more and I cry more. I don't laugh every time I hurt myself but yeah sometimes I do that too.

Have started reading your posts and will get around to reading all of it now I can finally log on from home. Up to now I was only able to log on from work.

Everybody's response is different, that's what makes us individuals.

Today I didn't gamble and that makes it a good day, even if 'life' gets in the way at times and makes me feel down.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Peg. I'm so glad to see you, and thank you for caring enough to still check in with us.

I don't laugh when I'm hurt, but I definitely cry when I'm mad, and also when I'm embarrassed. I absolutely can't control it either. I remember one time a few months ago, playing mini-golf with my brother ans sister-in-law, and they were both beating me very badly, and I was embarrassed, and I just started to cry and couldn't stop. They didn't even know what to do! Thankfull they chalked it up to some bad times I was going through.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. After all this time, it's not something we're likely to be able to change in ourselves. But being aware of the emotions is the key.

I'm so glad to see you doing so well, and I know that you'll go to your husband's function in L.V. and be just fine. Why? Because like you said in my diary, your worst day now is better than your best day gambling.

Love ya,

Anna

Hey Peg!

YES!

I have laughed at stress - in a situation where i feel quite threatened I have laughed (Got in trouble for it in rehab - i was VERY scared of one of the blokes - and whenever he came near me there i was, LMAO, like I was having a ball! At the time I had NO idea that people couldn't tell I was shitscared. Yay! awareness, lol!)

I was forced to get better with the scared thing, 'cos working with welfare clients, well, I got trained to state my feelings in work situations, rather than just react to them.....but work is different. I still catch myself laughing when I'm nervous or uncomfortable..... I don't like it..... "protective colouration".... It's not being me!

Also, i have the crying when i'm angry thing.... sometimes it's the only way I can get that energy out of my body. But sometimes i cry INSTEAD of doing something about the thing I'm angry about. I'll cry 'cos i feel helpless, powerless..... I'll cry when I should stick up for myself - make a change in my life. I'll cry 'cos deep down I believe i deserve to put up with s**t - instead of using the gift of energy that anger brings to make positive change..... I cry cos I misdirect that energy, and use it to beat myself up!

Wow.... where did all THAT come from? What an impassioned start to Wednesday!

Ok, one more thing with the crying - i'm scared of the changes acknowledging anger can bring (holyfuckthat's scary - too scary even to laugh at). So crying is more "protective colouration" - but in this case I'm hiding from myself.

(((((Peg))))) - love you so much - this may not be what is happening for you. It's about my fear of being "out of control" - not willing to allow myself to have enough faith to launch into the unknown. It's my greatest challenge (and ironic, really, for such an impulsive risk taker!lol)

Have fun in Vegas (but not too much:)!)

Nice to hear from you,

Love,

Kerrie

I used to laugh at my friends when they said I had a problem, I thought you had to have lost millions to have a problem. I started off betting small on the horses and then those machines came in, those roulette machines, so easy to win big on those I thought. I won about a grand in six days when i was 16 and i thought i could do it every time i played them. Then I start lying to my family, my parents, saying i'd lost £20 when i'd done all my wagees in. I'd promise myself that i wouldn't ever do it again but I wasn't strong enough. I aint proud of it but I began stealing from work. I dont know why, I loved my job, liked the customers liked the managers liked the other staff, but I desperately needed to recoup my losings somehow. This enabled me to gamble more and more, I'd play pker from 8pm till 9am, then go find a bookies and stay in there. Tonight I'm going to my first g.a meeting, I'm so scared. But also I have to tell my parents everything. About the stealing and the gambling and about the lying. I used to be a nice guy, talkative, happy, generous and trustworthy. I cant even trust myself right now. I was going to jump on a plain and go to somewhere else to get away from it all, but I have to fight this now before it gets worse.

This will be the first of the rest of my non gambling days. May it be the same for you. Good luck everybody.

Sometimes it seems like we cannot repair what we've done..things can never be OK...we cannot feel better...or maybe...we cannot STOP gambling...and if we DO manage to stop...we will live a miserable existence...always suffering...because we are unable to do this thing...that we love.

I think it was Lucy who said a while back...that HER best roadblock was time away from her last bet.

So much truth there.

The further we are from the last bet..the clearer our thinking becomes....things begin to look differently...LIFE looks differently.

Recovery DOES work....

We CAN be happy again...things can be OK...

We all deserve to live our lives...to live the best possible life that we can....no one else can do it for us...the only person who can live that life...is you.

It seems impossible because we don't know how to get from here to there...from misery to happiness...

just do ONE thing today...something...different than you ordinarily do...something...that will help to move you in the direction that you want to go...even if it's a very small thing....

another of my friends often says 'nothing changes if nothing changes'

if things aren't working for you...CHANGE SOMETHING... even if it's small....make a change in the right direction...toward the life you would like to live.

this is do-able...there are many paths to recovery...many people are doing it...are succesfully dealing with this addiction...

you can too.

xo

(((((Peg))))),

I am soo happy to see you, my friend! I was just telling someone yesterday that your diary is one of the most inspirational and motivational diaries on Gamcare, and that he should have a read. And, here you are again. Motivating, inspiring, encouraging, as you know how to do so well.

So how are YOU? What are you doing to make YOU happy? Did you enjoy your trip? got big plans for summer? If you're up Shreveport way, be sure and let me know, Peg, because I'd love to meet you and give you a giant hug for all you have done and continue to do for me.

Love ya,

Anna

(((Peg)))

We all deserve to live our lives...to live the best possible life that we can....no one else can do it for us...the only person who can live that life...is you.

As always Peg - love your words they are so true and somehow they are always what I need at that given moment n time..

No one else can do it for us.. I am gettign that now and am starting to see the pleasures that not gambling brings.. I think I had to live them for a while and see that teh godd stuff isn`t going to be taken away.. So I am seeing it now and have had a taster fo life is really about and yo uknow what I am bloody loving it xx

Take Care Peg

Lots Of Love

Lucy

xxx

Peg

So glad to hear from you, can only echo what Anna and Lucy have said.

Truly inspirational and thoughts from your diary have kept me going through those togh times when the s**t hit the fan at home with hubby.

More than anything when you said.....this too will pass.........

I use this so often as atool not just with gambling recovery but in my life.

Today I love my life and it is because I am no longer impatient and afraid..I can savour eachmoment instead of rushing through and onto the next thing.

LOL even manage this in the supermarket when doing th food shopping, not so sad I look forward to it...BUT...it is my time and that moment will be done and gone so why not make the most out of it.

Wow, turning out to be a different person than I thought I was. Sure there will be hard times but in my new found freedom, well thats Ok too.

Lots of love and many thanks

W xoxox

Peg - you always think about others and I know that helps in your recovery. You were one of the first to say hi when I came on here and I will always appreciate that forethought and kindness. It's always great to be welcomed especially when in a difficult place in one's life. You are special and it is great toc atch up with your thoughts 🙂

Hello again.

Today marks exactly eighteen months since I placed a bet.

A year and a half.

If I try to recall what my life was like...it's almost as if I were a different person..amazing, really, that the changes that have taken place in me..in my life...have come about in a relatively short period of time.

The constant thrashing thoughts...tense, anxious, on edge......

compared to now...

peace.

ohhhhh

things aren't perfect.

*I* am far from perfect...

but...life is really really good...even when things aren't going so well....life is pretty good today.

maybe....a little more busy than I would like...

that should turn around fairly soon...working towards it.

not much time online these days...I rarely read here...it's difficult to even keep up with my blog and my email at times.

that's good tho.

I was here compulsively for a while...when I needed to be....I often see people stress out about that....thinking they're replacing one addiction with another.

maybe.

but...I needed to be here..needed to learn...and to heal...and needed constant support....and to help others also...

it was never a 'decision' for me to slack off...it just sort of happened...as I needed to be here less and less...and other parts of my life began to fill with ...activities.

This is not about not gambling (for me).

This is about....making changes in my life that no longer support addictive or compulsive thoughts or actions.

I don't feel punished.

I am not having to do without something that I love.

I used to think it would feel that way.

It *DID* feel that way for a while.

but it changes....

everything changes....

You can change your life.

You can HAVE your life.

DO.

Love,

Peg

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