And so it begins!!!!
Have you ever had a clean out on facebook friends who you don't see, don't get on with or don't like?
Then this is how im starting out my day and recovery from being a gambling addict.
Its a 8am on a Tuesday morning and im not too sure whats woken me up as im off work at the mo. But i know my next thoughts after my first cup of tea will be about gambling.
Where do i get the money from?
What sites do i use it on and the bonus?
Then the dreaded question how long will it last me!!
And where do i get more if i need to?
Im sure everyone has thought the same as me at some point if you gamble.
Im not a stupid person by any means.
But when it comes down to this addiction of gambling i have to be the worst type of gambler ever as i no self control or resistance or even when i know i should stop do I.
I actually feel guilty calling this an addiction.
Is that wrong?
As i dont pump my self full of chemicals that may alter my mind so why am i actually like this?
I could understand it if my mind was being induced by something but its ME and my own mind whos hurting myself.
How strange is that sounding now iv written it down!!
I can only relate this addiction to having a bad relationship.
At first your best friends and love and adore each other.
Then you fallout and it goes a bit pear shaped.
and it looks like its not all its cracked up to be.
But you keep trying for the sake of making it work.
If i really think about it if i was a drug addict or an alcoholic then i would be dead by now as the money i spend is just outrageous. But some how that still isnt making me stop or registering in my head that this is actually wrong.
Im not dissmissing these addictions as i have tried drugs and its not really my cuppa tea. I like a drink occasionally but dont like the feeling of being out of control and hungover for days on end.
Well your probably wondering where this is going.
Well this morning has seen me put to rest 3 sites i usually gamble on a lot. Still got 2 active and its still in my mind of wether to close them or not?
Now after reading this back about my cull and the rest of the s**t who else would think like that!!
f*****g stupid i know!!
Good news is iv no money to gamble on the other two sites as i could hear you all scream from the hill tops about Self Exclude.
Am thinking i wont gamble on them again, more then likey will if i get the chance i know me and the way i am you see.So im starting out by a mini spring clean get rid of bits and making room for improvements. So first hurdle is to close all accounts by the end of the week and get some sort of block on the computer.
It feels like iv got a saftey net in place having those 2 sites open god knows why when im splat on the floor as it is!
In theory this sounds like a fantastic plan but it may go horribly wrong.
This is why im culling little by little i will chip away at this s**t and get back on top and have money to do things with and be out of debt.
Yes iv been here before and im sure we all have made promises and said we have to do something but this is really got to be it.
I need to understand why, what, where and how did i end up with this going so t**s up to put it bluntly.
Anyway more thoughts and ramblings later i need to sit and think about all this s**t for a while.
PS Welcome to my world/Diary
I keep going over this in my head if i had a dependancy to a substance etc i could get a subsitute to wean myself off what i was taking. I really dont want to go down the route of anti depressants but im struggling to understand my own thoughts and mind on this.
By the way my muse is bingo and slots : ((
Hi Miss
Welcome aboard , congratulations on getting it out there and admitting you have a problem. I am at the early stages too but can understand exactly what you mean in your post.
Good luck and keep posting
Brutus xx
Just reading through a few newbies who have posted on here.
I often wonder how many women these days gamble? As its easier for us with online 24 hour 7 days a week casinos and bingo halls being available online.
I wouldnt think of going to a casino or betting shop to gamble, but i find it easy to sit in my Pjs with a cuppa of tea and spend hundreds of pounds
and not blink an eye at what im doing. If i was actually giving that cash to some one would it feel different?
If i was in a bookies then i would have my winnings in my hand but here i dont even see the money unless i withdraw it which often i dont i end up playing it back.
So why can i differentiate that
the money im spending is hard cash and not play money??
Wonder if anyone else sees it like that?
But it never feels like iv spent that much then i look at my bank and then that shocks me.
Hi Miss
I have read your last post and definitely understand as it is like getting play money, one click carnage. Well it is with me
Stay strong and keep posting
Cheryl x
Well it's been a week!
Had a couple of days gamble free and a couple of days where iv let myself down again.
Worked my way through about 150 quid this week not good as my car needs fixing and I could have paid for that.
Good news is tho I have paid some bills and other stuff but still not closed down the last 2 sites yet.
But Iv not gambled any where near as much as usually would so I suppose there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Part of my job is in the entertainment industry and after hearing about Robin Williams with his addictions and depression, it's got me thinking of how many creative people have dependancies on drugs alcohol gambling etc. I often wonder if I am depressed is that why I gamble or do I use it as a way of de stressing from being so hyped up on stage.
I do actually have a real sense of loathing for myself after iv had a binge gambling but go back and do it some more.
Need to get rid of these last 2 sites but there's that much s**t going on in my head that I don't want to lose that choice of never being able to gamble again. I wonder if I will ever be able to control it? That sounds like I don't want to stop when really I do I just can't stop myself from all this thinking at the moment of what why where and when?
Will this get easier?
Hi miss
I am a CG and the only way I can abstain is by not gambling in any form whatsoever
I don't think we can have control over gambling once addicted to it the only way is to take all temptation out of the equation and make the choice to not gamble
And abstain
We cannot win because we cannot stop
To leave 2 sites open is going to be tempting for you but it is your choice and your recovery
Everyone on here is on the same journey. But we all take different roads to abstain from this destructive addiction and I wish you well on your road to recovery
Suzanne x
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