The Diary Of Success (hopefully)

Hi Stuart

Firstly well done for coming on here ! the good news is that you are very young so you have lots of time to turn your life around, i can tell you admitting your addiction is a massive step in the right direction !

You will make many firends here who will want to support your recovery, wishing you the very best on your journey to freedom from this illness we are all strickened with.

Dark Place

Hi Stuart

Welcome to the best decision of your life. It isn't all doom and gloom from here on in. Your addictive mind will want you back in the dark days of desperation of gambling. However you have a choice! This addiction does not worry about age, gender, race, colour or creed. It just manifests itself anyway and anyhow it can. By following simple steps you can learn to keep it at bay by taking one day at a time. Keep posting and reading as much as you can. Self axclusion is a good tool as it buys you time should the demon rear it's ugly head. Stick around and you'll soon start to enjoy recovery.

Take care

Hi Smiler and Dark Place. Thanks for your quick replies, I have no idea what happened but I wrote a huge story to start my diary but for some reason it's only showing my opening line. I even tried to make a new thread with the same thing and even that only shows one line. Weird!

Anyway, I am glad I am here. I was putting help off for years. "I don't need help, I can do this on my own." But the other day it dawned on me that i simply can't. I'm glad people are here who are in the same position. ..it makes me feel a huge bit better just knowing that someone else has been gripped by this horrendous addiction and im not the only one battling it. It can be a very lonely place while gambling. And talking to people in the same situation is a Godsend as I dont need to hide things and know they will understand how I'm feeling.

Thanks!

Stuart

Hey Stuart,

I am 25 too, next month 26. I felt the same about this forum and GA meetings. It helps me to reduce the stress and pressure by sharing my emotions with others and knowing that people understand what I have to go through.

Personally I feel that I needed it long time ago and not just to cure the gambling addiction, but to be in control of myself. I am taking little steps every day to encourage my inner change and I hope that one day I can say that I am happy who I am. Gambling just highlighted my problematic personality and destructive behaviour.

I hope you will find the way out of this and remember that its in your hands. It is all about what you do every day to change this. stay clean.

good luck

Laygro

Just one day at a time.

Hey Laygro,

Firstly, thanks for your reply. It is good to hear though also very saddening to hear that you have ended up in the same position as me. I suppose the only good thing about it is we know we're not alone in this and we can understand what each other is going through.

I never thought I had an addictive personality, I always could handle things and walk away etc but then progressively the Gambling, only the Gambling got worse and worse. And without me actually knowing and realising at the time, it was destroying who I was. Even when out with my mates at the pub etc, I would have a drink then spend hours on the Fruit Machine, winning £70 then chasing another £70 thinking I would eventually walk away a few hundred quid up for the night. Meanwhile, my friends would be getting on at me for spending so long doing that instead of actually having fun and enjoying myself. When I think about it now, I was being absolutely ridiculous!

That's me went 4 days without a bet now. I'm not going to lie though, I got the urge today while driving home from the supermarket but I fought it and drove right past the bookies and headed home. By the time I got in the house, I wasn't even thinking about Gambling. Maybe that's the secret, just focus on doing something else, ANYTHING else other than Gambling and the urge will pass.

I wish you all the best 🙂

Stuart

Thank for the kind words Stuart. Hang in there mate, don't give the urges a chance to overcome you. It's not easy, but think if what you could lose. Money is printed everyday...but you could end up like me...losing the person next to you, losing everyone's trust and respect, your health, etc. you're still young mate and have a lot of good things going on for you. Think of them going little by little every time u put money in the machines.

Hope you manage to stay strong

The urges will occur one day after another and you always will be looking at bookies every time you will pass one.. but you will walk away simply because you arent gambling anymore.

Take one day at a time and just focus on the task you are completing if you havnt got one try to find one. change your routine, your daily habits..

well done for staying clean.

Laygro

Just one day at a time.

Just a quick update,

It's now been 8 days wothout gambling and I must say that I don't miss it. I get the urge to do it now and then but as long as I keep myself busy it passes and I get on with the day. happy in the fact that I've probably saved £50 for every time I've drove past the bookies and not went in to those machines!

Still taking nothing for granted though, but I'm happy with my progress so far 🙂

Thanks lost_in_life and Laygro, it really is encouraging me to keep going when recieving positive comments from you guys.

lost_in_life, I don't want this to sound bad mate, but reading your gambling story in particular really shocked me. After reading it, I realised that apart from you, it just as easily could be me in your position. I think I have just started to battle this horrible addiction in time. I hope you can stay strong, and I've found that as long as you keep yourself busy (even if it's just tidying the house or something) you will beat the urge. By the time you've realised you had an urge ten minutes ago, you'll feel proud that you didn't act on it and lose, as losing is inevitable.

Stuart

Well, today I took the biggest,hardest and most embarrasing decision of my life...I told my parents about my problem and how bad it had become. It took everything I had to spill all, and I knew that the risk of losing them/letting them down tremdously was incredibly high. But it had to be done, I was drowning in debt and had become depressed and the worry I had about losing my house etc was unbearable.

As expected, the initial shock of my admission took them by surprise and had completely baffled them both, and it took a few minutes to sink in. If there's one thing I found out about a gambling addiction, It's astonishingly easy to hide.

I agreed to hand over financial control to my Mum for a few months, to reduce the chance of me Gambling as I know I would get found out instantly. And the fear of letting my family down again is currently drastically outweighing the urge to gamble. I just hope this will keep up, forever!

Well, that's my update for now. To anyone reading this...it can be done. Gambling can be stopped, although it's not easy. As I said, opening up to someone about it is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to face, but it sure beats having to tell them you've lost everything and want to move back in as you've lost your house! That's what's keeping me going, although I've not gambled for a few weeks, the temptation has been coming and going the whole time, that's why I had to make the drastic decision to tell people.

Well, unfortunately, the diary of success has not lived up to it's name so far!

Just a little update on my life, I gave control of my finaces to my parents. It was not easy by any means, I was given a budget of £100 a week to live on.....which should be easy and I could definately manage it. Well, if it wasn't for the Devil rearing it's ugly head again that is.

I was rather drunk last night and started playing the fruit machine in the pub, which now has a lovely enticing £100 jackpot. £100 would come in handy I thought, as I put a £10 in. 1/10th of the Jackpot in already, and I've not even pressed a button. It's only a tenner I thought, that won't do any harm. Of course, I lost it rather quickly and walked away. I was a little bit annoyed at myself, but I was also proud that I actually walked away without chasing my losses. Fast forward a few drinks later (I must point out here that the drink isn't the problem!) and I went back with another £20 to see if I could win the Jackpot.

The strange thing is, none of the other prizes on offer interested me at all, not even the £50 2nd top prize. My eyes were firlmy fixed on the big one....especially the repeat chance part that meant I COULD potentially win £200. Obviously, there's more chance of me getting hit by a rogue asteroid as I'm typing this diary entry than there was of me maxing out the machine...

Of course, I lost. And I kept losing, went to the bank. Lost again. Eventually, after no less than £320 I admitted defeat and left. So much for my fun night having a drink, playing pool and having a laugh with my frends, I was back to square one. I was then hit with the startling realisation that I now had to go over three weeks with £150 to my name, and that doesn't even include fuel.

Now I'm not going to lie here.....

I feel utterly devastated. But alongside that, I feel embarrassed, sad, angry, dissapointed, stupid, disgraced, shocked, very upset, helpless and desperate. I couldn't believe that I had let myself go into the almost zombie-like routine of putting note after note in a machine and ignoring everything around me.

So, I have now realised that there is a real chance of me never being able to beat this. If I ever come into money somehow, I can't even trust myself to have it in my bank account. How scary is that?

For a 25 year old to think that something like this will haunt me for the rest of my life, scares me terribly. I MUST beat this, I hope that is my last relapse and things start looking up.

As always, thanks for taking the time out your day to read this post.

Stuart

Hey Stuart,

Firstly I want to congratulate you on a really honest and open series of posts - it's obvious you want to be in a better place but that you're maybe not setting yourself up for success to get over the most difficult starting points.

Here's some food for thought.......there's a "circle" of compulsion and addiction........you start off in a period of what is called pre-contemplation. This is where you know you have a problem but continually deny that it's really there so you go through the same cycles. You then finally realise that whatever it is is damaging you and you move into a phase of contemplation.......this is where you are thinking and planning how you can get out of your addiction. You either move into the proper planning phase or you exit the circle........kinda moving back into the denial stage again and doing some more pre-contemplation. Eventually you'll find your way into the planning stage, where you'll put the various bricks in place to stop whatever it is you are doing that can damage you......in our case that's gambling. Have a think about the planning you've done.......have you self excluded? You've told your folks which is a huge huge step and you say you've given up your finances, but you've still got your bank card.......red rag and bull I'm afraid!! So you then move to actioning all your plans......and if they are not good enough then you won't make it. They have to be right for what you want to achieve - you've done brilliantly mate, but need to put higher barriers in place........did you really need to take out your bank card along with £100? If you get into action and it works, you'll move into the maintenance phase.....that's a tough place to be and one that guys like us should expect to be a long time........it's not as exciting as the action phase or the planning bit......those are new and filled with hope.....the maintenance bit is a slog......but get there and you will reap so many rewards.

You seem like an intelligent and level headed guy who has been sucked into this horrible addiction. You can get out of it though!! Plan well, be true to yourself, implement the correct plans, work hard at maintaining it.......take it a day at a time, the days will get easier, you will feel a sense of achievement, your finances will get easier.......and you'll be able to look back at this time as being pivotal in releasing you for the rest of your life.

I wish you the very very best......really think about the money - thats key for you I think.

Take care mate and stay strong,

Mr Brightside

hi stuart ive stopped gambling for 73 days today, I used to gamble on roulette and spent £500 every month. I lost a fortune to gambling believe me stop now while your young im 36 but I wish I would of got help at 25 I would be in a better situation, my money in the bank I would of had a healthy bank balance.

First, thanks for your reply Mr. Brightside!

I find it actually surprisingly easy to write exactly what I feel and how things are going on here, openly and honestly. However, if I was to try and explain all of this to someone who didn't gamble or know much about a gambling addiction, they would probably think I'm crazy and tuned to the moon! It's great to write on here knowing that people like your good self are reading my posts and understanding how I 'm feeling without being judgemetal.

I am very intrigued by your post and the circle of addiction theory, it makes perfect sense to me and actually shows why I always thought I had a problem but would never admit it to myself. I would always think that if I ever (haha!) got a big gambling win that would pay off all my debts and leave me some money to buy things I would most definately be able to stop it altogether and finish on a "high".

Of course, after throwing away thousands of pounds and using common sense I have now realised that although a huge win was basically a dream, if it had to ever come true it would probably make my gambling worse. I would simply up the stakes and try to win twice what I have already won and before I knew it I'd be back to square 1 again.

This really is a horribly crippling addiction. It's as though it takes over your mind and the sensible, rational thought part of your brain seems to be unable to function.But if I'm not thinking about gambling, I am a smart guy who is doing well at work etc.

On reflection, no there was absolutely no reason for me to take that bank card out with me......as you say all that is doing is enabling me to do exactly what this addiction wants me to do. If I physically can't do it, then it's impossible. And that's where the barriers are indeed not high enough. Next time I'm out, the card isn't leaving my house! Then I'll have some money for the next days/weeks instead of having wasted it in a moment of sheer madness.

I'm not saying this is going to be easy, and you mention that the maintenance phase is the toughest. I can understand that as it's very easy to become complacent and think that say....a fiver in a machine as a one off isn't really gambling and it wouldn't do any damage. Where in reality, I probably would keep feeding it like I've always done and losing everything I had.

Anyway, the good news is that I've not gambled at all since the other night. To be honest though, it's partly because I physically can't due to being low on cash. It's also because I am slowly starting to realise that I'll never win...and that there's a reason why the bookies/casino owners are all multi-millionaires and the punters are skint!!

Take care mate, and thanks again for writing such a thorough reply, it's appreciated!

Stuiart