I would like to start my recovery dairy here. I have joined gamcare jst few days ago.
My saddest memory is christmas time of 2016, till the end of January... when I was broke and went in debt few hundred pounds and barely kept my job at the time, good thing they didnt fire me, as I missed days from work because I was in shock. that continued till the end of april.. gambled all my wages, went in minus, pay it on pay day, and then same again, over and over, that lasted about 3 months..
I would borrow money for rent, and give it back when I got my payslip, I would lie, make excuses, steal.. I had to stop.. so May 2017 I stopped.. my budget started growing.. relapsed this year in july, lost 470 pounds... Now I am gamble free for 96 days..
I do not have the urge to gamble, it was stupid to relapse, I got caught somehow on my losses started thinking what I could hve done and stuff.. but I realize that is gone.. instead of driving a nice car I will be driving older car but it will still get me where I have to be.. Better car wont make me happies. I am lucky enough to have my family all good, wife , daughter..
I will keep you guys updated.. 96 day and no urge to gamble.. coming to terms with the money I have lost.. ready to build a new wall, healthier wall..
be well, the dude
Well done dude! 96 days is amazing!
I’m only day 9 but I don’t have urges either. My partner finding out was the worst but best day of my life. It was my new beginning.
I will continue to follow your diary. Stay gf and well done again x
Thank you for your attention sarah. Hope you are doing well, 97 days gamble free now.. Dont feel like gambling... just thoughts coming through my head here and there about what I have done.. feelings of shame, guilt.. but every day I am happier and everyday I feel more and more peaceful.. trying to put the past behind..
104 days gamble free now.
I have stopped drinking as well. Sleep is better these days, and my mood is more stable.
Hope you are all doing well
114 days gamble free. I went to the post the other day to pay some checks and saw those lottery tickets. I had that thought.. d**n should I get one. But then I remembered how I had to borrow money. How I felt during my time of gambling.. for some might not be big deal buying a lottery. But For me . I know where that leads after.. hope you guys are doing well.
Well done dude
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Thanks for the supportive words adam. Hope you are well. I am now 115 days gamble free.
Today was a good day. Just an ordinary day. Finished work and now here I am relaxing a little bit. I have realized that I am coming back a bit to my senses. I have become more sociable and more friendly like I used to be before all this happened. For me it happened for reasons, not because I wanted to get rich or anything. It was just a thing that escalated, fw years ago I was heartbroken, humiliated, felt angry, sad, hopeless, like somehow I have lost myslef, so while trying to find something that will keep me going - mostly destructive things came on to gambling as well. So I prescribe that to my depression that happened as a result of mixed emotions- guilt, anger, sadness, obsessions, what ifs. Like my mind couldnt find a soultion, like I have been stuck, like I couldnt find a healthy thought and just hold on to that.. it was all black.. Now I have been reading more about spiritual teachings, and these days light has started to show up here there. I am not fully recovered, still on meds - although young.. but I have to.
124 days gamble free..
I am feeling more confident.. Well I am not very confident as I used to be, cannot erase some of my bad memories.. But I try to be a better person.. My moving out of the UK feels good. My current job is paying well. I have got my second salary after moving out and changing job. My account is building up and I am happier.. I think it helps the fact that I will make up for my losses only for 5 months while in the UK I had to work probably two years to save that amount. I was devasted, I have worked my a*s off and just to empty my account in 2017 january and go into debt. It was clear that I will never make it with 17k annual income. And luckily it became clear that I cannot win it back with gambling.. I dont think much of the money, but thoughts of shame come up from time to time. When you dont gamble you have money for what you need.
Hi thedude1991, Putting the money to one side, how have you feelings changed in recovery. for instance, do you feel more or less angry? More or less tolerant of others? The reason I ask is " I dont think much of the money," however I see from your posts, quite a lot about the money.
Well done for 146 days do far, keep moving forward, one day at a time.
GamRecovery wrote:
Hi thedude1991, Putting the money to one side, how have you feelings changed in recovery. for instance, do you feel more or less angry? More or less tolerant of others? The reason I ask is " I dont think much of the money," however I see from your posts, quite a lot about the money.
Well done for 146 days do far, keep moving forward, one day at a time.
Hey man. I am sorry but haven't seen your reply and question. I have stayed gamble free now for 219 days. I am more tolerant yes. and its not about the money anymore. I hardly think about my losses these days. I have been feeling depressed lately, my father passed away. Not that I didnt have anxiety and depression before. but events like that trigger it badly. But I have to be here for my little daughter, she is so sweet and funny. My wife that means the world to me. and of course my mother and sister . Its been dark lately and gambling is the last thing I need. feel free to talk to me more if you want to. best of luck
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