the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hi Ands

Was nice chatting before, im fully aware that life isnt great for you at the moment, and like i said before, please feel free to use my diary as you please, if i can i help you in any little way, the that would make me happy. If your having a tough day, let it out mate. Of couse i dont like seeing people down and depressed, but writing it down can help, dont ever think people dont want to read and listen to what you have to say. we do! It helps others in ways aswell, me included. Have a great weekend with your boys, and hope the sun is shining for you tomorrow. take care mate.

neil

Hi Ands,

Sounds like you are getting a bit of that battling spirit back again. Try not to panic about the low mood, as the stress decreases, your coping mechanisms will improve. It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but there is hope for the future.

Have a good weekend,

DT.

Day 89, i did not gamble today!

thankyou for your posts and support.

Got of my a** today and took boys up to the nature reserve and done some cooking my sons have had a good day. I am trying to snap out of this gloominess but i feel so f*****g depressed and its doing my head in. But another day is over and i have not gambled, no urges now for 4 days, so thats good.

take care all and have a good weekend. ands

Think you are doing well Andy. Not much to say but I am proud of you buddy.

Day 90, i did not gamble today.. thanks graham for your kind words.

Another day comes to an end, just chuffed for DT! He has done so very well.............

Not alot to say boys have had a good day swimming and football down the park. Im just plodding on, trying to lick the wounds and on i go... Feel like s**t but my sons inspire me, be lost without them, love them so very much!

take care all, ands

Hi Ands,

Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me. It's pretty special to be able to give that when you don't feel so good yourself, so all credit to you. Pleased you have had am ok weekend and are still fighting the good fight. As the days pass, the stress levels will get better and coping with the future will become easier.

Really hope that things become more manageable for you soon. You are a good person and a good parent, things will come together for you soon.

Take care,

DT.

Hi Ands

seems you had a nice day, thats good to see mate.

Can i just say you are very lucky to have your two boys with you, and if all else around you gets to you, you still have them no matter what. Im saying this because my ex is being so unreasonable its unbelievable, because i have moved on and met someone else( and so as she btw) shes making life very difficult in terms of moving on. Im not an idiot and neither is my girlfriend far from it,ive been seeing her 8months and shes not seen my girls yet, but my ex is far from happy and was told the girls are not allowed to meet her and do stuff. How can this be right? surely dads have rights too? im no pushover, but my ex as a firm hold over me, because of the kids, which is firmly out of order. anyway i would not normally write this kind of thing down, should have put it on my own diary i suppose, nevermind, Just want to show you( i know u already know) that you have something very very precious, ive been though hell just to have my rights with my girls. In two minds wether to delete this? but ill keep it here. hope you dont mind, was just when i read your post involving your kids, cherish them momments, i do. take care mate.

neil

Day 91, 13 weeks and 1 slip up which is now nearly 3 weeks ago...

No urges to gamble today, gambling doesn't make me feel better or solves any of my problems. Cried on school run this morning my sons just so sweet with me. Neil your right cherish and love our kids with all our hearts!! They are our flesh and blood they deserve respect, love, happiness and a gamble free dad!

Feeling quite depressed still but life goes on, so i say to myself, get a f*****g grip, get it together and be the best dad you can be to your sons.

Thanks DT, Happy neil, for your posts.... some times you guys realy do make me sob..

take care all, ands

ands,

I love reading you talking about your boys, its really moving 🙂

Hang in there and things will start to feel better in a couple weeks. Ive been on various anti-depressants over the years and you feel all over the place for the first few weeks til they kick in. So just wanted to offer you reassurance that this is totally normal.

Im sure you knew that anyway, Im probably stating the obvious, lol.

Take care,

f x

Hi Ands

I sense you have very low self esteem, you mention in your post on my diary" my advice is cr**" or something like that.

Infact you was spot on in what you say, and thankyou for that. Ive not had to use the courts, although been threatened with it. Truth is, we had a mutual split, more her telling me to go actually, i stuck it out for a very long time until i couldnt no longer, i didnt just run at the first opertunity. I paid maintenence every single week without fail, and was a big amount, i took my kids every single weekend, some times was just one night but was every weekend, after a busy 50 hour nightshift, i really couldnt have done anymore, all that was from oct07 until may 09, then i lost my job, by then i was taking them every 2nd full weekend, as still is the case, but can only now afford to give £20 per fortnight, it hurts i cant give more, but i give them all the love i could possibly give. Ive put off telling the ex about the new woman for bloody 7n half months, because i was scared of the reaction, and true to form i was correct. Ended with the door being slammed in my face! so thats where i am now, my girlfriend offered to take us away in a caravan resort for the weekend, would have been great...but "im not allowed". so that was that, because she said. i was reasonable, i even told her i would let her meet my new girlfriend, then decide.."NO".

Anyway im going to go to citizens advice, its so sad it came to this, and like you say, it knocks me sick to see runaway parents who dont give a monkeys. I was reading some forums on the subject, and some mums and dads do everything for the other parent to see their kids, and they are simply not interested.

Anyway sorry to go on, just so confused and frustrated.

On a good note no gambling or even urges, there is no way im running away to gamble, no way!

Life will soon to look up for you ands, im sure it will, try not to get to down, i found talking to someone helped me. have a nice day, and thanks for the post. you was spot on.

neil

Hi Ands,

Hope you are feeling ok today. As freda says, try not to worry about the emotional rollercoaster too much, it is natural. Frightening but natural. You are 91 days into a new life, how you have coped through all the rubbish I don't know, but you are doing it and you should be very proud of yourself.

Tahe care,

DT.

Day 92, i will not gamble today..

The rollercoaster of life continues, been drinking wine in the evenings with my pills. Hoping it would help me sleep, but that is not working, have not slept to good now for some time. Been doing it now for 3 nights, so now no more drinking, its not helping my mood either, was buzzing last night but up at 4 am and feeling realy depressed. So that fix did not work either, what can i do to lift my mood? Have kept myself busy with my sons and been sorting my house out... God life is hard and a constant battle! Wake my sons up soon ready for there day at school, get a grip andrew, f*** sake theres gotta be more to life than this cr**.... I love my sons, counselling tomorrow and this week i will go!

take care all, ands

Hi ands

You have merged all your days into one continuum. This is done quite easy but it has to change. Only you, I'm afraid, can make that change. TODAY - do something different from yersterday. Yes I know it's hard but even a little change will make a difference. Each day should be a new experience for you. Maybe get something nice to cook for the boys. Even if it doesn'r turn out right you'll enjoy making it. Don't look for perfection look for enjoyment. Only suggestions!

Steve E

hi Ands

Sorry to read your feeling downbeat. From what i see your life revolves around your children, and rightly so, but would be great for you to have a little adult time. I know its really tough for you to get out for even an hour, but if you get the chance to, do it.

Im rubbish at giving advice, id just like to see you happy i guess, you have been through a lot from what you have wrote, and seem a decent guy with a good heart.

Also thankyou for your recent posts on my diary, it did help, im back to normal as can be, and hopefully can return the favour one day. cheers.

Thanks Stevey, Neil and DT

Ended up taking some advice from you good people and done something realy wild, well wild for me anyway. I went to Dartford, and done an army assault course, done the whole lot and it was GREAT! Just what the doctor ordered, im shatterd but hopefully i will sleep tonight and wont need no wine either! Went at 9.30 am after school run and got back just in time to get my sons. Turned up at the school covered in mud and i was stinking, the looks i got, lol!

guess feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere, so thanks guys!

Neil that post was realy sweet of you to say, thanks mate!

take care all, ands