the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hi Again

Just wanted to say thankyou for dropping by on my diary. Today got me, i gave in, but ill never ever give up! Thanx again.

neil

Regardless of e-mails, I think you are a very special guy, sticking by those kids and trying hard. Hey you know where I live, way down where you come from. I have to say that sadly, I have never known an area where there is so much dysfunctions in families. Very proud how you put those kids first.

Day 117, i will not gamble today...

Boys in bed still, i forgot the clocks went back lol! Been up for ages done me ironing, veg for roast and have washing in machine.

Sun is out here in london, feel miserable but nothing new there,,,,,,,,,,My boys on half term this week so have a nice week ahead¬

LOVE MY BOYS, be lost without them, 5 years yesterday i been bringing them up on my own, they have both been through so much and they realy are lovely adorable boys and i am a very lucky man!

Have no urges to gamble today, and looking forward to having money this christmas to spoil my sons rotten........ They gonna have a christmas they wont forget, i took my boys camping for the summer holidays which was not good as it was only for 4 days. Because that was all i could afford, quite pathetic considering how much i would lose on the fruit machines.........But this christmas holidays all being well i am going to take them to disneyland, euro that is lol, for new year...£410 for 3 nights all inclusive......Cheap ay, how sad when i think of the hundreds i would lose in a day and not give a f***! But now money is so tight that is alot of money, how the thought process changes, i have to sort all my debts out, the bailiffs are waiting to pounce......The sad thing is that i have sold the majority of my belongings to fund my gambling, so the bailiffs will not get alot, lol!

The letters which i know are about unpaid bills, credit card statements i just sling them in the bin...They cant have what i dont have and i am not bothered.......Cant get blood out of a stone lol...

Anyway im one f***** up guy, but do good for my sons always, forever.....till i die anyway lol!

waffling over, feel better now!

good luck to you all in your battles, NNS my thoughts are with you..........ands

Hey they boys are going to have a great Christmas. Hope you enjoy as much as they will. Ands you are not a f------ up guy. Yes, a sick guy who is doing his level best to get better is what I see and doing a good job at it. Come on feller, cut ya self some slack here and at least take that compliment.

Patience, and in a while it will all turn around. Maybe it doesn`t deem like it just now but early days.

Hi Mate

Your thoughts dont have to be with me mate, i gambled a little a little yesterday, life goes on and when i think about it life isnt that bad really is it. I have a messed up ex to contend with, but will all be sorted, shes just worried about her little girls, i sometimes undestand, but i love my girls as much as she does. Anyway enough of me.

Please can you tell me what is sad and pathetic about taking your boys camping?!? Your on a tight budget, like so many of us out there, ok gambling isnt the wisest thing we could have chosen to done, but we did, it for whatever reason got into us and we had to give it the fix it needed.

Do you know how many men out there dont give a flying toss about their kids, never mind bring them up single handly from a young age, i cant even pretend id be able to cope, its bloody hard mate, look at the good things in life mate, and the good you have done. What ever happened in the past stays there. Think about today and the future, you are going to have so many happy occasions to come with your boys, happy days!! Your going to meet a woman sooner or later, although wether thats a good thing i dont know lol, but come on mate, your doing so well from what i read, we all feel miserable and down some days. I used to think that everyone else out there was having fun, and life was rosy and perfect, maybe there is a few lucky ones around like that, but for most its all the same, and life isnt perfect or rosey, and we all make mistakes. For me personally the only mistake i ever made was with the gambling, i regret nothing else i have ever done in life. So please mate, hold you head high, dont knock yourself, and life live. Bad days/good days....its all part of life. cheers.

neil

Hi ands,

Sorry it's been a while since i popped in mate, just haven't felt like i could give anything constructive at the moment, head a little bit up my a**, Glad your OK, and the boys are well, I hope you can see what a great dad you are, i try my best with Maddy but honestly know it would be tough for me to have her full time, like a fellow poster said there are many dads who don't give a toss, more fool them. We are the lucky ones mate. About the hols, you did what you could afford mate, i know what your saying about how much you spent gambling, i did the same, but if we were still gambling even Christmas presents would take a back seat, some of the pathetic gifts i have got for people in the past are shameful, why? because i got the cheapest thing i could and used the rest of the money to try and 'win' some.

What i see is real progress, the boys have had a break, they will be treated at christmas, and with a bit of luck the euro Disney trip to, now thats what i call moving forward, i to intend to spoil Maddy at Christmas, for once go shopping enjoy, taking time to choose the gifts for her and my family, gifts with thought. Even the little things are progress.

Keep going mate, the boy's have a great dad one to be proud of, one who has taken his problem and working to do somthing about it, Not sure about you but one day i may let Maddy read my diary, it's part of who i was, who i don't want to be and she is a big part of the reason i never want gambling in my life again.

Take each day as it comes, some are good some are not so good, but life go's on it's how we deal with the days that counts.

green x

Ands,

That must feel brilliant having that surprise booked for the boys 🙂

Its a massive achievement. Wouldn't have happened if you had still been gambling.

Look how quickly things are improving for you without gambling - the holidays are gradually getting better, lol. Camping, then Eurodisney, who knows where you will all be off next year 🙂

Please dont be so hard on yourself, material things are not the be all and end all, and you will be able to treat them more in the future when you are back on your feet.

You sound impatient like me, ha ha! Never happy with what Ive achieved, always wanting more. Remember - you are in a much better place than you were 4 months ago, and much better than you would have been if you'd still been gambling.

Hope you enjoy the half term with your boys. I really do admire so much how well you have done and are still doing. Are you eating any better? Im worrying about you like a fussy nan!

Take care,

Fx

Morning Ands,

Great to read about your trip with your boys, I think you are doing great in your recovery. Your journey hes been tougher than most and you are still here fighting.

As for the money, when you get some work, things will get better, but at the moment concentrate on getting you better, you are one determined battler and your story inspires many people who are struggling with the fallout of problem gambling.

I know you don't like compliments too much, but well done on your recovery so far, you are doing great.

Take care,

DT.

Day 118, i have not gambled today, thank you for all those supportive posts.

Reasonable day with my sons, afternoon down the park, morning spent playing snakes and ladders on the floor.

Will keep saying it, love my sons............

Just wished my mood would lift, fed up with feeling depressed, i keep busy and do alot during the day to occupy the old brain but nothing realy seems to help at the mo.

anyway another day completed gamble free and yes i am making good progress and will take the compliment that i am doing kinda okish! so thankyou. lol!

take care all, ands

Depression is one heck of a nasty thing Ands. The bit I like about it is that it does pass and all these little positives that are going on will mount up and so life will progress and so your mood will lift sooner than maybe you think.

Thank goodness you are starting to take the compliment. I`m pretty carp at doing that so know where that`s coming from. Don`t for one minute think those lads get a rough deal from you. As others have said, you do a brill job. I know so many that spend all their loot if not gambling then in the pub.

Hey you and me, let`s start enjoying any compliments we might get, yea?

Hi Ands... just passing through....

Just wanted to say well done on another day passing gambling free... S.A 🙂

Hi Ands

Hows things mate, just wanted to say thanx for posting on my diary, had a few crappy days last week.

Hope you are keeping well, and i know for a fact you have not gambled today, so i will say it for you. Well at least i hope you didnt or id look a bit daft now, seriously tho mate, your doing great. Nice one,

neil

Day 119, i have not gambled today, lol, neil, glad to say your not looking daft!

Spent the day out and about with my sons, nice, busy day.........Actualy spent about an hour wetting myself, kids say the funniest things, especially when the timing is sooo wrong lol!

Today was a realy good day, my boys made a boring day into something realy quite sweet.... Shame the day has to end, best day i have had for months and all due to my sons, not sh*tty old fruit machines......

Dont want talk about gambling today so i talk about my sons, question for you guys, am i on the wrong forum now??? lol!

take care all and thanks for the posts, ands

Morning Ands,

Pleased you had a good day with your boys. Are the meds kicking in? You sound as though you are starting to enjoy some simple pleasures. Onwards and upwards for you from now on.

You are doing just great,

Take care,

DT.

Hi Ands

To be honest id rather listen to you say you had a great day with your sons, and you was laughing and having fun, rather than you feel down and any other gambling related issues. Really great to see and read, but of course on tough days all your friends on here are here to listen and support. Have nice evening.

neil