the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hi ands

like everyone else I am so sorry for your loss. wish i had the words to help you through this.

thinking of you.

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Tried chat couldnt handle it, then tried netline had to leave that too!

Dont think im being rude, just cant handle it, want too but just cant!

Evenings they the killer always have been and always will be......Hours of stewing, thinking, wandering and pacing up and down. The what if's. Tick tock the mins go so painfully slow. No distraction or escape from myself. This is not self loathing this is heartbreak.

Will hold it together, have too!!! Oh diary, what am i gonna do? just wished i could tell my mum that i love her, miss her and wished i could have that one final hug.........not gonna happen. Never did when she was alive.

Gambling, cost so much and what for....heartache and misery......................should have quit years ago, thats what my brain keeps saying over and over.

This i hope does not depress anyone i am not depressed im heartbroken.....huge difference, been depressed know that feeling this is so much harder!

thanks so much for all the posts, you have no idea how much they help. ands

Ands,i am really sorry to read that your finding it so hard at the moment,i do understand having gone through the hearbreak of losing both my parents,it seems like your heart has been ripped out.....try not to feel guilty about things you can now do nothing about......YOU know how much you loved your Mum,and one thing i'm 100% certain of is that your Mum loved you mate,no matter what you may feel you have done wrong,just think of how much you love your Children Ands?,a parents love is "unconditional".My thoughts and best wishe's are with you.

Seano.

Ands

As Seano says a Mum's love is unconditional - whatever we do our parents will still love us - and we will always love them. Your Mum will have felt that and, even if you did not show this outwardly, she will have known. As I read on another diary and it is very true - "You're not a bad person - you just made some bad decisions". Your Mum will still be looking over you like some sort of guardian angel - she is proud of how you're doing right now and how you're holding it all together for your children. Keep it going mate - everyone on here realises what a fantastic job you're doing at the moment in such tremendously difficult circumstances.

All the best

Hatch

Thanks for the posts!

Packed a few clothes got me tent out and heading for Hastings, my sons love camping so this weekend we go!! Cant realy afford it but dont care.. Back monday and will contact Cruse.

Need to get out of house, these 4 walls driving me nuts!!!

I will not gamble.

Thanks so much for all the support this week! Realy needed it and am so grateful to you all. a very sad ands.

Hi Ands,thanks for the message,i think getting away for the weekend is a really good idea :).My Mum died 22 years ago Ands fron cancer and i sat and held her hand as she passed on,i was an only child and was devastated for a very long time,my Dad passed on only 4 years later Ands,and i actually found him dead in his house (having been alerted by the neighbours that the curtains were still drawn),he had suffered a huge heart attack,i loved them both with all of my heart Ands.How did i cope?,well apart from immersing myself in gambling (wrong move!!!),i resolved to put as much effort as i could into being a good loving Dad to my kids,because THEY became the only real connection to my parents that i still had(i hope that makes some kind of sense).Time heals Ands,and even now not one day passe's without me thinking about Mum and Dad,.....i know they are with me always.The other thing i did (that i'm not encouraging,by the way) is to have a memorium Tattoo on my upper left arm!!!,i see that in the mirror every time i shave!!!.

Best wishe's Ands,Seano.

Sounds like a good plan to get away somewhere, I haven't had a bereavement before (other than when I was a kid) but I imagine it will take some time before things seem ok again. In the meantime, if you can find a non-addictive way to take the edge off things, like a weekend away, that might help you.

Its so painful to be judged by your family, but something someone told me once really helped.

They said 'do you honestly think that this person is being fair and rational? Do you really think you are as bad as this person claims and you deserve the way they are treating you?' (Im hoping you are shaking your head at this point) Well I was shaking my head, and they said 'if you walked onto an acute psychiatric ward, and someone started to shout at you calling you evil, and claiming you were the devil - would it hurt you?' I repled 'of course not, that person isnt thinking straight and is very confused'. To which the person said 'Exactly. The situation is exactly the same with your family member, but its always easier to demonstrate a point with an extreme example.'

Not sure if this made any sense! hope you feel a little more peaceful soon.

f xx

Ands. I can`t add much to what has already been said but you are in my thoughts. Love you still as much my brother.

Ands

Hope that the time away has gone well and just to let you know that we're all still thinking of you and hoping for you.

All the best

Hatch

Hi Ands

Hope the camping went well, nothing better than bacon and eggs being cooked by your old man, hope your kids enjoyed it!

I CANNOT LOSE IF I DO NOT START

Dave

Just a quick message Ands,hope the camping weekend went well,and that you are starting to feel a little bit better in yourself.

Seano.

Hi ands,

just wanted to drop by and give you a cyber hug, nothing any of us say can change things for you but just know I am thinking of you.

Take care

W xxx

Hi ands,

please can you post soon to let us know you are safe. Your gamcare family love and miss you 🙂

f x

Please post soon ands, Im worried about you hun

f xx

Where are you, pet lamb?

f x