the end of the road, a new start on the way

Ands

Hope you're ok mate.

Going to keep bumping you back up to the top.

M

Ands,

Just echoing the comments of previous posters - hope all is going well and looking forward to an update.

All the best

Hatch

Hello Ands,

I am so very sorry for the delay in replying to your question. (I wont go into it here but have been unwell and haven't checked into the forum all week. I'm OK now)

"Sorry to ask, what was your coping mechanism when your mum passed away?? sorry to ask and hope you don't mind me asking. Just wandered as you seem to be so strong and with all the s**t you have gone thru i just don't know how you do it!"

Firstly, never be sorry for asking me anything ((Ands)). As for being Strong mate, I have my moments like anyone else.

In my eyes, you have always shown such strength and commitment in the way that you have dealt with your recovery and your life since being in recovery. Your health, addiction and your fight to keep your boys.

I read of many people giving lame excuses for their repeated slips here but not you... You had one slip and took action... not just words, for commitment in your recovery.

Your love for your boys is what fuels your strength and its what will eventually fuel you to move forward again, from your present situation.

OK... my mums death... It was so very different from your situation. She died in my arms. I was lucky enough to of told her that I loved her, just the day before(so many people never get that chance, for many, many reasons). She had been unwell for a while and in pain. I tried to look at her death as a kind of 'release' for her... that she was now at peace, no more pain.

What I have written above is the 'practical Jac's' account. What I felt at the time was great shock and disbelief, such deep pain I could hardly breath. Then anger that I couldn't do anything... that the Dr's should of done more... all the spectrum's of grieving Ands.

None of it is neat and tidy and it all hurts so much. Things we have said... or never said or done. Those things we were going to or were meant to do... so many what ifs.

It hurts because no matter why or whatever the situation. No matter how close or estranged we have become... we loved our mums Ands.

For me I drifted through the time before the funeral very 'alone'(despite the brilliant support Jim gave to myself and the girls at the time) For me my concerns were how my Dad would now cope... but really I wasnt 'there', just an empty shell walking around.

Once the funeral is over with(and I do hope you get to go... or by having some kind of special goodbye to your mum 'time', for just you and your boys... and I believe this is important Ands)

Well for me that is the time that i started to put things in there place I suppose Ands. Day by day we start to recover. I had 'moments' that overwhelmed me at times... sometimes for a reason(memory/occasion etc), sometimes from no where. I believe its just all part of the process. The first year had a lot of these type hurdles but becoming less frequent and less painful as time goes on. The first 'anniversary' of her death was hard and I believe it is for most people but as time moves on acceptance comes and my mum is always with me in my heart... as she is in yours 😉 (No one can ever stop or take that away from you Ands, ever)

I am sorry Ands I have waffled on a bit(nothing knew there, eh!) I don't know if any of it helps you or not. When I read that you were taking the boys away last weekend I thought that was the best thing you could do, my friend. I hope it helped to have a change of scenery for a few hours. What you have and are facing is incredibly hard and painful but you will get through this... I have every faith in you.

As we haven't spoken this week I am unsure if you went ahead & contacted Cruse/Dr's? Use that support if you need it mate, thats exactly what they are there for. Especially if you feel your weight is starting to be an issue. Its more important than ever that you look after you. Your boys need you to be healthy... especially if more camping trips are on the horizon;-)

My coping mechanism was myself(learning all the time) and my wonderful husband... Your mechanism will be You and Your wonderful boys.

Sending you huge Cyber hugs my friend and really hope to hear from you soon.

Jackie x

Hello Ands,

Sorry to read about your mums passing. With our sympathy.

JIm

Hi ands,

Hope you are ok. Please let us know you are safe, we are really concerned about you.

Thanks,

f x

Thinking of you my good friend.

Thank you all for your posts, realy kind and yep made me sob.....just couldnt handle anything apart from my boys........Would like to apoligise for depressing so many people on here, i have always poured my heart and soul out on my diary and maybe sometimes i shouldn't....But this is my life, feelings, emotions, anger, hurt, and at times joy..............I true to myself and no one can ever take that away from me or my love and dedication for my sons.....And yer i would DIE for my sons, no matter what-ever pain they may or may not cause me, i will always love them and never ever turn my back on them. Feel crushed but when two little boys look at you with a tear in the eye and say they love you, it as you can imagine, makes me melt!!!

The camping trip was just hard, sad and the boys have realised that they wont be seeing nan again, have taken boys out on some days out and taking time of work not returning til september 9th.

As for the funeral dont know when it is but went to a very special place when i was a kid with my boys. We sat under a tree and lit a candle each and played one of her favourite tunes. As a family we then went down to the beach and wrote messages in the sand, watched the tide come in and wash them away. Our way of saying goodbye on a very hard emotional day, might sound stupid to those who read this but to me and my sons it was PERFECT!!!! Regrets will haunt me and thats the way it should be, my punishment for my behaviour and i will not fold! As for guilt we all have guilt! We all endure sadness at some point in our lives, gambling just numbs the pain for a small amount of time then slap its BACK, thats why i STILL gamble Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gambling causes me heartbreak, money is important obviously, but love and family are for me, anyway, what life is all about. But why it took me to the age of 36 to realise this is beyond me. Love my sons, my diary, my life is devoted to them.

The 3 lads from se london, we face another day together, as a family! My youngest son is 8 in a couple of weeks and i have to make it a very special day and i will!

I would like to say thanks again for all the support, realy helps and there are some great people here. ands

Hi Ands

Nice to read your post . Seems like your trip away with your boys was just what you all needed. Thankyou for sharing your special wee goodbye service you did - sad , but lovely.

Warm thoughts to you and your boys,

Lili

Hi ands, I've not posted on your diary before but I've been keeping track of your recovery. Your last post was heart breaking. It sounds like you are doing your very best for your two boys. Good for you and keep posting as its a really good release point for you. Russ

Ands....glad to hear your ok ,youve got many many friends on the diaries mate...never feel you are depressing anyone,..going through what your going through is one helluva effort in abstaining....many couldve crumbled but your a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for...your last post brought lumps to my throat...stay strong mate you re all in our thoughts..

Ands,

Don't think that you ever need to apologise for what you write in your diary - it is from the heart and if it helps you share the burden in some small way then keep doing it.

My prayers are with you at this very difficult time and Ithink you're coping admirably. Your Mum will be looking down from above and she'll be very proud of what you're achieving at the moment.

Keep it going mate.

All the best

Hatch

Hi ands,

you had me choked up there mate, what a beautiful way to say your goodbyes. I am glad that you and your boys found a suitable way to pay tribute to your Mum.

Im really relieved that you are safe and in one piece. I knew deep down that you just couldn't deal with posting, but was concerned about you. We love and miss you, and just want to do anything we can to support you.

Take care,

f x

Hi Ands

Thanks for the post and email.

Lovely way to say goodbye to your Mum and the boys Nan. A lot more personal and perhaps a better way for your sons to say goodbye.

Take care mate

Catch up soon

M

Thanks for your posts.

Regrets and guilt, long sleepness nights.....

i will not gamble today, odaat.

Thanks for the post ands. It will get easier, day by day. Keep strong. Russ