The Final Push

So after I finished eating, I went back up to the bookies, and in a worse situation now.

Is there any hope?

It is particularly frustrating for me because I should be balling and living a good life if I didn't have this terrible habit.

What changed between my first post and this post? I was so sure I wasn't going to gamble no more and less than an 1 hour after, I did! I hate that I keep doing this.

But what really is the issue? Is it lack of willpower? Or maybe I truly do not want to stop? Why do I keep doing the same thing every time, it sucks

Apologies if this has been really disjointed but I just remember a weird thing that keeps happening to me, every time I decide to stop and look for a really productive way to make money, gambling is the first thing that comes to mind, I keep things I can create a system or write an algorithm that's sure to win in the long run.....I have even gone as far as testing my algorithm on previous results of football matches...it's really sickening.

I don't even recognise myself anymore.

I have a really good life, life's dealt me a fairly good hand and I keep on wasting it away.

My friends are getting married, going on vacations, buying properties while I keep on gambling.

I really need to stop this

Today is October 23, 2024.....it is Day One for me again!

I just finished writing a repayment plan for the debt I owe, and it'd take 6 payment checks (or 5 months and 2 weeks) to clear all my debt. I'd have to disappoint a few friends because I can't pay everyone at once, and I don't even know how to go about having this conversation with them.

I know I am somewhat lucky (if I can call it that) to have a relatively short time to make things right with my finances and I hope I do not f**k this up.

Next step now is blocks to put in place. This is a tricky one because there is almost no 100% block I can put in place, if I truly want to place a bet, I'd find a way. I currently do not have any online accounts (so that's good), but the issue has been walk-in shops. I can't block myself in those shops because that "feature" isn't available here in my country. So I have to rely on me to not let me down.

There is also the last thing, which is giving up control of my finances to someone I trust. This is also tricky because I'd have to share my plan with them and honestly I do not want to explain why I have so much debt and have them shout at me for ruining my life up to this point.

My biggest worry now is how to get money to pay people I have promised to pay today and on Friday. If I can somehow tell them to wait, it'd be great and I can pay them with my salary. If not, it's gonna be a huge mess and honestly I don't how I'm gonna deal with this. I'm trying not to panic and be as calm as I can be. In moments like this, I look back at previous times where I thought I wouldn't make it and made it, it give me hope.

Still On Day One

The spiritual journey

I want to also add that I started a "spiritual" journey today. I am gonna be fasting and praying/meditating for 41 days. The fast is going to be from 00:00 to 18:00. I'd be praying/meditating at intervals during the fasting hours.

I think this action is heavily influenced by my country and our culture (we are a very superstitious and religious people). I personally don't believe in God, but do believe there is a very high chance of there being a creator, just that he doesn't seem to care much what we do or don't.

Why do this then?, you may want to ask.... firstly, it's because I know I don't have all the answers and maybe God does care after all; secondly, I have tried this before, and even though I don't always make it to day 41 (highest I ever went was 9 days), i always see tremendous positive happenings in my life, it may be coincidence but then it may have just worked 😂.

Anyways, it's how I have decided to connect my soul with the universe and get some guidance going forward in my life.

I have paused my gym subscription because in previous times, it was always an excuse to eat.

A new Identity 

I have this urge to get a new SIM, create a new email account, new twitter and probably a new Instagram to start afresh. Is this because I am ashamed of who I was and want to rebrand as I became a better person who doesn't gamble!

It's shameful that bulk of my WhatsApp messages is asking friends for money, even people that I earn way more than they do. Maybe it's this she that causes me to want to do away with my old communication channels and get a new one to mark a fresh start in my life. I am seriously considering this.

Work and Career

My work has suffered due to my gambling habits, I have deliver performances just enough to keep me employed. I know I can be so much more yet I keep wasting away. I'm gonna do better now. I started this morning work and only took a break to update this diary.

I will get better in this one life I have. I swear I won't waste it anymore

Hi

For me being in the recovery program is about being honest with my self.

For me the recovery program is about needing and wanting to stop causing my self and other more pains and more fears.

Before my recovery I use to think and feel that I loved it.

Before my recovery I use to think that being on adrenaline rush was the most exciting thing in my life.

The more pain I caused my self caused more fears and from having such high levels of fear I lied more and more.

Walking in to recovery program I thought that if I gave up my addictions and my obsessions I would be a very happy person.

My addictions and my obsessions just indicated that I was running away in my fears.

For me being in the recovery program helped me abstain from unhealthy habits.

By going to meetings with healthy therapies I would learn to articulate my feelings an my emotions.

By going to meetings with healthy therapies I would get more honest and open and reduce my fears.

I was able to admit to myself how unhealthy I had became in my life.

As I got more honest my fears reduced I found that my ability to have healthy emotional intimate therapies with other people.

I found that part of healing the hurt inner child that hid in me was healthy emotional intimacy with other people.

In time that healthy emotional intimacy with became a part of my family relationships.

Giving up unhealthy habits empowers me to live a much healthier life.

I understand that pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not fully understand.

By healing my hurt inner child those unhealthy fears would reduce.

My unhealthy fears disabled me in so many ways in my life.

Healing Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham