the first day of the rest of my life

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(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Maddie,

Hope you are ok?

My thoughts are with you, hang in there sweetie, things will get better.

love Linda x x x

 
Posted : 3rd June 2010 6:54 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2967
 

Hi Maddie,

Hope you are well and having a good start to the weekend.

I relate so much to the pain you feel in your family relationships. I too feel ridiculous pain, and am having to step right back until I am stronger. I am finally getting to a point where I dont feel bad about that. I realise your situation is more complex as a mother cannot switch off her feelings.

Hope you manage to find some peace soon.

Take care,

f x

 
Posted : 4th June 2010 10:23 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Well what a let down, I have really gone and blown it, all resolve and 1200 pounds out the window in a very short space of time. 10 weeks blown away in a stupid indulgent moment all because I got so low and defenceless. My dear friend Linda told me it was a blip and how I hope she is right, i cannot live my life, riding this rollercoaster. Job is going well daughter a bit more friendly (but that relationship is a rollercoaster on its own) I saw her last Sat so pregnant, so cold to me and I asked if i could come and see the nursery now it was finished, she more or less said no, I cried and cried when she left, my baby girl is having her baby girl and I am on the outside and it kills me, so I gambled till the account was empty, which caused me all sorts of problems as the money should have been somewhere else. I cannot blame her, I pushed the button and deposited the money. Today she was much nicer and tomorrow is her baby shower which I am going to so things may be looking up. i can only hope.

As for gambling back to week 1 for me but I am not going to beat myself up I fell off, it cost me dear, but I am back on the horse and will try and stay on and not fall off.

 
Posted : 5th June 2010 8:53 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Maddie,i am very sorry to read that you have had a "blip" and you've gambled and lost £1200......,it begs the question though Maddie....,how on earth have you still got easy access to that kind of money?,you really must take steps to deny youself acess to anything but very small amounts of cash,if you don't what happened this week is certain to happen again,.....hope you don't think i'm being harsh Maddie,i've been there :).

Seano

 
Posted : 5th June 2010 9:31 pm
winningpost
(@winningpost)
Posts: 1057
 

Maddie,Reading lindys diary i kinda thought it may have been you she was referring to..,unfortunately i have had a difficult week myself family wise and not posted as often as i hoped but now youve posted i am pleased....maddie you have made many friends on the diaries so although you may find things too personal to post at times,we are always here if you get a major urge...chin up lassie we can do this,onwards and upwards 🙂

 
Posted : 5th June 2010 9:39 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

seano, stupidly I had some insurance money in my account for an injury, and I hadnt bothered about it for 2 weeks and also stupidly not transferred it where it should have gone, so it was too easy. My husband kept asking me to get it into his account but I resisted, he doesnt realise yet that it has gone ...... I know now that I still cannot be trusted even though I thoughtI could!

WP thank you x

 
Posted : 5th June 2010 10:20 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

My Dearest Maddie,

Sweetie! i just wanted to comment on your last post! Poor Seano I have never seen such a long line of expletives!! i am only hoping you had some sort of laptop malfunction and you werent really swearing like a trooper???

Things are moving forward for you again why do you say you have gone back to day one? For you, I dont think you should do that, its like admitting defeat and starting again. Do you think that in a way that is also a self fullfilling prophecy? you dont think your going to succeed so therefore you accept defeat!

So now why dont you try a different take on it? Your blip wasnt defeat it wasnt the end of your journey you dont have to start again!! Like i said, you got to a roundabout, you went round it a few times and went down the wrong road, but now your back on the road to recovery your journey hasnt ended its continuing!! So stop this back to day one nonsense!!

Continually punishing yourself is not the way forward for you, you should be gloating on your successes and just brush the other bits under the carpet!!

love to you Maddie x x

 
Posted : 7th June 2010 9:57 am
pinksparkle
(@pinksparkle)
Posts: 168
 

Hey Maddie,

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling low. You are so vulnerable when you feel down, I feel vulnerable now but everything in my life is going well. I opened the post earlier and there was a CD for a casino site and I was tempted but I threw it into the bin. When I read your post I was thinking, could I gamble and be able to control it? I had to remind myself how bad I felt when I had spent all that money and had nothing to show for it.

I hope you enjoy the baby shower, forget about your slip and start afresh.

Keep strong x

 
Posted : 7th June 2010 7:45 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

OK I surrender 10 weeks with a blip thats what I will say, I now have a sat nav so there will be no more taking the wrong turning!! apart from today!! BUT before you freak I really did take the wrong turning and drove round Birmingham several times before finding the right road, do you know what is opposite the hotel where I am staying...***** casino lol, good job I do not feel the need to go in!!! No more punishing, no more self fullfilling proficies no more beating me up. Today has been a c**k up one way and another work wise, and I felt myself feeling guilty earlier but everything that has happened has been out of my control, gambling or stopping is within my control, so I am standing strong with head held high. thanks all for your never ending support xxx

 
Posted : 7th June 2010 8:50 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hey Maddie,

Sorry to hear about your blip, but as Linda said it's not the end of the journey, or the start of a new journey, just a wrong turn.

When things start going wrong they tend to go wrong together, good to see that your post is sounding positive again.

And if things get bleak again, just remember that at least you're not stuck in Birmingham for ever! 😉

All the best hun,

Ryan

 
Posted : 8th June 2010 12:13 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

thanks Ryan, I am not giving up I have come too far and i really want to hold down this job, if I allow my head to fill with the gambling demons, I wont it will go the way of the last 2. This job gives me a chance to hold my head high, which i need to raise my self esteem. It was a blip amongst 70 days of abstinence, thats how I am looking at it.

hope you are doing good, love Maddie xxxx

 
Posted : 8th June 2010 6:50 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Dearest Maddie,

Hi sweetie, you have every reason to hold your head high in your job and everything you do. so dont you forget it!! Thank you for your mad comments on my diary!! lol

Good to hear you got sat nav for work shame about the german! i know what it means if it says "die Ampeln nicht funktionieren" i knew it would come in handy one day and its the only thing i remember from my lessons at school!!

I can be your sat nav too!! except i dont know my left from right but i will do my best to send you in the right direction for this journey!

if you want to walk like d**k emery in your dolly heels then i can teach you that too!!

love to you Maddie as you continue on this journey!

linda x

ps the german means "the traffic lights are broken!!" great hey! x

Cant believe they have edited mr Emerys name whoops!!

 
Posted : 8th June 2010 9:36 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

no thoughts of gambling have passed through my brain as work has been all consuming this week, not particularly stressfull but very consuming!! The baby shower was nice but very emotional as i met members of my family I havent seen for ages due to my misdemeanors in the past, and it went fairly well. My daughter looked radiant and had so many lovely presents and is truly loved by everyone, but she can barely look me in the eye, but on the positive side, I was there sharing in the celebrations and for that I must be grateful. 4 weeks until the baby is due, I just must be patient and hope that time really will heal this rift.

Not gambling is the way forward, it is over for me for ever!!!!!

 
Posted : 10th June 2010 7:31 pm
Graham2
(@graham2)
Posts: 314
 

Hi maddie. First post here. Blips and slips and all related. Well that`s what they are. Nothing more than that. So many people have slips but it doesn`t mean that all that clean time was for nothing does it? The very fact that you recognised it for what it was is good. Also, might be a good idea for now to have access to very little money.

I know that GA like to rewind the clock and say that if you slip that`s all the clean time gone. Strange way of looking at things. Not very positive.

Anyway back here and trying and that`s what matters.

 
Posted : 10th June 2010 7:57 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thanks Graham, yes, I am trying and have been so totally absorbed this week with work that gambling has not come into my head. I so want to be normal and sensible with money, i am still waiting for counselling since 12th april, I may be retired by the time i get there!!!

 
Posted : 12th June 2010 4:45 pm
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