the first day of the rest of my life

Hey Maddie, thankyou for posting on my diary. Have just read yours and I find it very sad, especially about your daughters. I do not have daughters but i am one and cant imagine not having my mum in my life no matter what. Have you tried writing to her to tell her how you feel? how you want a relationship, and how sorry you are? sometimes writing I find has helped in my relationships, because that other person doesnt interupt and you are given the chance to explain yourself and your feelings. Either way you cant keep paying for your past, and at some point she will realise how much she needs and misses you too. Maybe like your husband says you need to back off and let her realise this.

I think you have done so well with the not gambling and with only one blip thats fab, and inspiring to me.

I agree get the adverts banned every other one is a gambling advert, and the other adverts are all about selling your gold, presumably to pay for the gambling...which incidently i am ashamed to say I have done.

Keep strong, take care. xxx

keep it up Maddie and thanks for posting on my thread.......baby steps as you say.................stay strong with everything...kindest regards 392

good week was had by me!!!! off to the isle of wight for the weekend for some R & R, spur of the moment decision, which we couldnt have done a few months ago, so I am reaping the rewards from not gambling. I get my first pay next week into my own account, am going to log in and set up a transfer so that it leaves straight away into my husbands account. The only way to guarantee that it goes where it should, hope everyone else is doing well, no gambling = weekends away yay!!!

Hi Maddie

Just wnted to say enjoy your weekend away.

You should always treat yourself as you are doing as a reward.The transfer of your money is an excellent idea.All the best Jeff.

Hey Maddie,

Glad to hear you have been getting away and relaxing with all that money you have not spent on gambling. It's great to visit a new environment where you can forget about gambling and spoil yourself.

Hope you had a great weekend x

Hope you had a great weekend, all paid for by yourself! Well done!

And here's to many more weekends like this!

I had my first counselling session last night and it went very well, I seemed to connect with the counsellor and i hope that gradually the layers get peeled back and i get some understanding of why i am the way i am. work still going well I feel very relaxed there and hope i can continue without the self destruct button needing to be pressed! my counsellor says she will help with this, us CG's seemily cannot help self destructing when we are in a bad place, happily I am not there my place is positive and happy at the moment, I fully intend to do all i can to keep it that way.

Hi Maddie!!

I am back!! lovely to read such a positive post. Good everything is going well at work we seem to be ticking along nicely at the moment which has to be good! I used to want to know why i was the way i was but i dont seem to think that way anymore. I know i really did think I needed the answers that you are looking for but something somewhere changed and i now dont need to find out the reasons why i just need to find the way forward. It is so much easier to look where you are going rather than looking at where you have been!! talking of where i am going, Sunday all systems go!!, text me and we can sort times etc out!! You have done so well to get new job and settle in as well as you have, you should be feeling really good about yourself now! Cant wait to catch up with all your news and fill you in on my drama's!! we can do this, and together we are moving away from our darkest days into new bright sunny days! happy times 🙂

love linda xx

hi maddie,

Love linda x x

Nothing much to report, loving my job, a little bit of thawing in my daughter's camp, only 850 pounds left to pay daughter no 1, approx 24k paid back over the last 3 years. I will clear that next payday. Only 800 to go on daughter no 2's loan and that will be over in 4 months. I can at last see a light at the end of the tunnel. The baby is due anyday and I am looking forward to this, I so want everything to go well for my daughter and that she gives birth to healthy baby girl, keep strong everyone wwe are doing this and leading a better life, here to that!!!!

Not too many thoughts of gambling, which is good but finding it hard to motivate myself and spend my time wisely, this weekend, which has been beautiful but I have absolutely no inclination to go out and enjoy it. Done lots of housework and washing and ironing, and organised myself for working week, but not much else Wonder why?? I feel I should be out enjoying the summer...strange!

I have been writing some notes for my councellor about the way I feel during the week, I suppose to gauge what triggers the gambling for me I hope she can make sense because it seems very random to me. When I do it I just do it because i want to, i do not consciously have a reason. I hope I learn what that is all about.

Hi Maddie, have been reading your diary with interest.

You are doing so well, and an amazing effort to get all that money paid back, well done.

I really hope that one day soon you are ableto say you didn't bet because you didn't want to, rather than the opposite.

Good luck in your quest

P.S. Sorry for pinching your diary title !!

Hi Maddie

hope you are well? I read your diary and hope it wasnt me cancelling that left you feeling like you should be doing something! It's funny though because you did get things done and you weren't sitting staring at the wall so why do you think you should be out doing other things? Perhaps you think you should be as others may appear to be having more fun than you? But you don't really know what others are doing or feeling unless you been standing in their shoes (not my laboutins! I can't loose

another pair!) You shouldn't worry about things so much!

Sometimes we all think we have wasted a day by doing mundane things but infact you have prepared yourself

for the week ahead, and therefore given yourself the

oppurtunity to have a more relaxed working week. My

very favourite saying is failing to prepare is preparing to

fail! Thinking ahead is always a good thing so this week in the morning when you are leisurely eating

breakfast you can smile to yourself about those diving

into the washing pile desperately looking for something

not to crumpled and no time to make a coffee! Stop

looking for the negatives and be happy, it really is for

you too and not just others!!! Also I wonder if like me you actually thrive on stress and drama and when there is none you go looking for it? Could be a trigger for gambling as that then makes a crisis!

Love linda x x

hi there u are right i will start giving my money to someone how did u stop betting thanks for advise

Hi maddie

good to hear from you on my diary! All is going well for me and looks good your end too! I do seem to have a few male followers but it's only because they can't see me! Lol they don't know I am six foot two built like a bus and got a moustache!! It's really good everyone is so supportive it helps me alot. Good to hear your counselling sessions are going well I have just started new ones as old ones clashed with work. I desperately tried not to say to much about ex as think I blame him and only probably mentioned him once but she picked up on it straight away and he still gets the blame! I am more for planning how to avoid a lapse now, I was very suprised when she said I don't trust my own recovery because I don't! So looking forward to learning ways to stand up for myself and how to deal with negative comments and confrontation! I gambled to hide away from those things. Are you settled into not gambling now or are you still getting urges and wanting to do it?

You know you are so much happier not gambling.

Keep up your fantastic efforts and when that new grandaughter arrives it really will be the start of a new life for all your family.

Lots of love to you, hope to see you real soon x x x