the first day of the rest of my life

Hi Maddy

in answer to your question - no I've never been free, but its never been this bad. I used to go to bingo with friends more of a social occasion. It was online bingo that caused the problem, well not the bingo the slots. Started to spend more and more and couldn't seem to stop. Now I'm on day three. I have betfilter on my computer and its great, only trouble is i do have a work laptop that i can use at home so that's the battle I have to win. I think it's about us all knowing we cant control it - it controls us.

Lets take control back! Hope we can both do this, first step for me, get to day 5! That will be my first milestone. Carmelly

day 3 today, feeling very positive....so far. be back later

well done maddie

stay strong

errigal

Hi Maddie

Hope your feeling better thanks for your post. Well here we are at day 4 again! Hope your doing ok. I'm looking foreward to day 5 - one day at a time that's the way. Stay strong. Carmelly

Hi Carmelly, doing good thanks, yep day 4 we can do 5 we can we can!!! I have got flu so feeling a bit sorry for myself but trying to keep mind off of gambling, did you ahve a good weekend?

love Maddie x

Hi Carmelly, doing good thanks, yep day 4 we can do 5 we can we can!!! I have got flu so feeling a bit sorry for myself but trying to keep mind off of gambling, did you ahve a good weekend?

love Maddie x

I heard a statement today that made me think, it was "everyone is addicted to something" is that true I wonder, it made me think and I realised that all of my grown up life I have had compulsions of some kind. boys, men Food, shopping, decorating, auction tv, premium rate competitions, parties, s*x, funnily enough NEVER alcohol, telling myself I would never be addicted like my Dad, gradually it manifested itself into online gambling and most of the other compulsions that were still alive just died, gambling seemed to fill a void and took me to a place where I didnt think.

I didnt like my life much, I had a very demanding elderly, mother who I did most things for, I was holding down a very senior work role and travelling all over for, I never ever had a weekend to recover, because I had all the jobs to do for my mum, shopping, bathing, ,etc....she never let me off lightly and most things I did were never good enough. She could be my best friend one minute and my worst enemy the next. She would go to my sisters once evry weeks or so, but by that time my weekend was spent sleeping! There were personal things that I did for her that a daughter should never have to do for their mother. When she died I felt such relief but miss her with a passion, my life now has no direction, I have waited years for MY time and now I have it I do not have many people to share it with. My daughters still havent forgiven me for the lies and deceit, neither has my sister, so mostly it is just me and my husband and now I am beginning to resent that we have no money ( due to me entirely) to do anything with our time. I know that is irrational and unfair as I have lost thousands of pounds of our money. I have nearly paid off 2 huge debts to my family and that has taken almost 3 years but it will total nearly 40k when it is done in 6 months time. Then I can perhaps hold my head up again. Things are tumbling into my head so apologies if it doesnt make sense. I start a new job next week, less hours than normal and hoping that I can begin to find something constructive to do with my spare time. I do like helping people but feel mostly like 2 people, the bad me who can gamble a whole months salary in less than an hour, or the nice me who went and helped feed the homeless last year. I just dont make sense to myself!

Hi maddy sorry your feeling this way but dont worry everyone has bad days even people who don't gamble! Thanks for your message, feels a bit pathetic being pleased about breakfast but normally by now I definitely wouldn't have any money left so it felt huge. Hope you made day 5 and remember tomorrows another day and hopefully things will look better. Stay strong

carmelly

(((Maddie ))) Im backkkkkkkkkk - still free day 6 again x

Take the advice you gave me on my diary hun.

My dad was a cg I grew up at the track it never interested me in the slightest until the last 2 years or so and my kind of gambling is a differenct genre all together, but its still gambling. I too often wonder where we get it from..

Keep strong & get better soon x

Hi Maddie,

Thanks for your post on my thread, having read yours I can see what you mean about sharing many of the same compulsions!

I'm not sure if everyone's and addict of something, but I agree that I've stumbled from one addiction to the next since I was a teenager. Food, exercise, food again, drinking to excess, gambling, if I can conquer this one then I'm not sure where I'll end up next. 🙂 Exercise again would be a good one, but gambling has been the most destructive for me.

Stay strong, and if in doubt talk. Talk to your husband, talk in chat, talk on here, talk to anyone who'll listen and the craving will pass.

All the best

Ryan

Hello Maddie,

Thanks for the post on my diary.

I read your last post and it seems you have a lot of issues spinning round in your head right now..........recovery from gambling addiction is a tough call Maddie....when we initially stop it gives us lots of time to think. Just a thought Maddie....you ever thought about having some counselling? I know Gamcare provide it. I have had it and believe me it has worked wonders....cleared my mind of a whole lot of stuff.

Keep going Maddie....keep all those blocks in place....they will save you from yourself...if you get what I mean?

You can do this I'm sure.

Jas x

Thanks Jas that means alot I have got a counselling session booked for 12th April and I really hope it helps me, my husband thinks I have issues from way back that need unravelling and I am sure he is right, i was s abused at a very early age by a lodger who lived with us I could only have been 3 or 4 but it still haunts me, particularly when I told my Mum in later years and she dismissed it flippantly.

more later but thanks, maddie x

Hello Maddie,

I am sorry to hear you had difficulties when you were young. I hope your counselling will help you....I'm sure it will.

Keep going...day by day....they all add up.

Jas xx

Thanks everyone for you posts, I have to tell you I am one proud bunny this morning, exhausted but proud!! My jobseekers allowance went in last night and I have spent hours fighting with myself wanting to gamble it, but I didnt and it is still intact YAY!!! 7 days in and all you guys who give support are helping so much, I can now buy my grandson an easter egg. Last time I looked at the clock it was 3am but I did not give in. I am going to get rid of this silly laptop that will not take a blocker as I know it is so much easier if there is no choice and I simply am unable to go online. more later..........

Well done Maddie, I have heard a thousand times that fighting the urges makes us a little stronger each time. Unfortunately, near the start of recovery we have very little defence against the urges, but as time wears on (i'm sure you know from your 11 month abstanation), either the urges are not as strong or we are just more adept in fighting them

Keep going Maddie and beam with pride when you buy your grandsons Easter Egg