The first day of the rest of my life...

Day...I can't remember. I guess that's a good thing. Today was pay day. The first time since I've joined this site since I've had money into my account...

I woke up at 6AM and the very first thing I did was transfer every single penny into my partners bank account. I realise it's not as simple as that for everyone because some people won't have a partner but for me, it's brilliant. I'm back to not having any money of my own but I am still living life just like normal. She checks her bank every day to make sure that I haven't withdrawn any money. I keep every receipt, not because she's asked me to do any of this, because it's easier for me to prove that there's no discrepancy for her to worry about.

We've come into town today and she's gone to get a Father's Day surprise with my 2 sons and given me £20. I've walked past 2 betting shops and am now sat in a pub watching sky sports news. I was halfway through writing this post when I heard someone pressing buttons on the fruit machine. Again, I feel pleased that I didn't even notice it was there. He's just dropped a bit of money out of it and counting the drops I'm guessing it's about 7 quid. He's been stood there for ages now, and that's all he's won. How was I so stupid. 7 quid won't even buy you 2 pints. He's probably put at least 20 quid in so far as well. Chasing his losses, like I've done so many times before. Never again.

Day 24, just looked it up.

Day 27.

Feels like longer than that to be honest, I've had a brilliant week off work, took my kids to various fun places and genuinely made some memories that I will never forget.

Haven't felt the urge to gamble recently, the problem was that money didn't feel like money to me unless it was in my hand. If I was in a bookmakers with £50 I would feel scared about handing it over and also a little embarrassed to be handing it to someone else. But online, nobody knew and it just felt like numbers on a screen, getting that number bigger was a game. I wish I'd not wasted some of the big wins I'd had trying to get bigger wins.

I'm going to the races this month with my partner, I'm not worried about it because I know she'll be with me, also one of my best friends is a recovered gambling addict (5 years without a bet) so I'll just hang around him while other people have a bet, it's all harmless fun...for them. It's not been fun for a long time for me.

Hi Clinton, apologies for not commenting sooner, I've been a little preoccupied.

You're doing brilliantly. The fact your partner knows about this and can help you is an enormous help. She may question your resolve but that's only to be expected after both of you suffering from the affects of this.

I'm naturally shy also, but when I'm gambling I turn into a monster and can talk to anyone that will listen about how these machines are this and that. Gambling has become all I know, and all I can speak of, pathetic really.

I'm glad you're spending time with the family, must be fantastic to spend money on your kids than throwing it away on something that was destroying your life.

I wish you well. I'm sure that coming through this addiction and putting it behind you will do wonders for your self esteem. You should feel proud on 4 weeks, being in the same position I know exactly how difficult it is.

Day 29.

I think I'm occupying my mind with planning our wedding now (I know, I know, the girl normally plans the wedding) She will have the final say on pretty much everything, but I'm trying to set up a financial budget. We've sort of set a date, assuming that the venue has that date free for us!

Gambling is at the back of my mind at the moment, I completely forgot to log in yesterday. I normally log in when I think about gambling, even today the only reason I logged in was because I was bored and can't really research weddings anymore today...

Nearly a month, my partner suggested getting myself a treat to reward myself, I've said no, I shouldn't be rewarded for not gambling, my reward is every day I tick off without wasting money.

Day 34.

Been away for a few days, had a good weekend, equal measures of relaxing and socialising, not so much done in the way of housework though. Need to get that sorted tonight. I have my first gamcare counselling session this Thursday. I'm finding it pretty easy now, although I know not to get complacent. As long as I don't get to the stage where I think its okay to put a couple of quid on this, or a few quid there.

Handing over finances to someone you trust is the first thing anybody should be doing.

Well done on 34 days keep going and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Day 36.

Nothing really to say, I'm kind of logging in to update this just because I think i should. We're pretty skint this month, we still haven't received any of our child benefits or working family tax credits even though our baby is nearly 10 weeks old. It probably says something good that for the past 10 weeks we've managed to survive without any additional help, although I'm looking round the house at the moment selling things that we don't need.

Our house is so full of clutter. I had a box of 100+ DVD's in the attic, they've been there for over a year, so I'm just selling them, £1 each. I'll give it a couple more days then just take them to the charity shop if they don't get bought. Books as well. I love books, but I've got loads (mostly football books) and I've read them all once, then leave them to sit on my bookshelf. I'll never read them again. Get rid of them. Clothes, my partner and I have several bin bags of clothes in our attic. They've been there over a year as well. What's the point in keeping them?

I wouldn't say I'm a hoarder, but I definitely don't like throwing things away if I think they might have value. We probably need to do a car boot with all our stuff, I need to be ruthless and just get rid of things! If they're in my attic, then I obviously don't need them! Sentimental things and Christmas decorations, fair enough. But the rest can go.

Well done Clinton on staying strong despite money being tight. You should be proud of your efforts so far. Unfortunately, I'm now 35 days behind you in terms of recovery, but will do my best to continue to support you, although I don't feel I'm the best person to get support from.

Selling your old stuff is a good idea, free up space and make some cash out of it. Hope the wedding plans aren't stressing you out too much!

Thanks TheMask, sorry to hear that you've relapsed. I'm glad that you've come back so soon though. In the words of my old Bop-It toy..."Do it again, but better!"

Day 37.

Ihave my first gamcare counselling appointment today at 12:30. I'm slightly nervous but only due to the fact that I have social anxiety and meeting new people is scary for me, I feel positive about everything else.

I told my Mum today about my gambling, she took it really well and is being very supportive. I don't know why I was worried abut telling her, she's always supported me, she always tries to help me out, even though sometimes I don't appreciate it. She's the type of person who will try and get involved with everything, if I told her I was planning on going to London, I'd get an e-mail or a phone call 10 minutes later saying she'd found a good deal for a hotel or discounted train tickets etc. She's actually an amazing woman and I often mistake her good nature as being interfering. She just wants the best for me.

I feel very lucky to have such a supportive family, my fiancee has been amazing throughout. We've had a few arguments but its undoubtedly been hard for her too. I'd be annoyed if she had wasted as much money as I had. She's put herself into debt bailing me out, I have to make things right.

I honestly believe that we'll be okay now. Even after messing up like I have, my whole family has stood by me, for a second time. I won't get a third time.

Feeling positive.

Day 45.

It sounds silly, but looking at day 45 makes me feel happy, for 45 days I haven't gambled. I haven't placed a bet, I haven't put a quid in a fruit machine, I haven't bought a scratchcard or even a lottery ticket. Nothing.

I had my first gamcare appointment on Thursday, with a lovely lady called Faith. She was very kind and welcoming, she listened to my thoughts and I explained to her my underlying anxiety/depression issues which have made me reclusive. I had hearing difficulties as a child, so i couldn't quite hear people all the time, I was also tongue tied, so I struggled to communicate. My communication, as a child, I remember being very difficult. To the point where, as a child, I would shut myself away from people and read books, or play football. I remember always being in the classroom and if the teacher asked me a question I wouldn't hear her or want to put my hand up to answer a question because I knew that people couldn't understand me.

I've had years of speech therapy (even into my early teens) I had an operation to cut my tongue back at 14, this seems to have helped my communication with people, but I still think that people won't understand me so I tend to keep quiet. I still have hearing problems, at some point in the future I'll have to request a hearing aid, I didn't want one as a child/young adult because I didn't want the visibility of it. But now you can get hidden ones, I think I'd like that.

We've set a date for our wedding now, it's going to be March 2017. Now I've got 19 months to get in shape. I've got quite a stocky build anyway so even when I played football every day and went to the gym 4 nights a week I still looked bigger than all my friends. But now I'm at least 5 stone overweight so we've ordered a treadmill and I'll be looking to get into the gym at least 3/4 nights a week. Hopefully exercising will make me look better and feel better about myself.

Feeling positive.

Day 48.

Not got much to say today, just happy I'm still going 🙂

What fantastic progress 🙂

I can't imagine how difficult that must have been growing up...An extended family member is dumb & although she was capable of sounds as a youngster she very quickly shied away from using them opting to sign instead! Children can be very cruel, I'd like to hope adults are much more understanding. Why not look into the hearing aids now?

Ease yourself back into the training & don't underestimate the power of pounding the streets as 'fresh air' is also very good for you! I can thoroughly recommend parkrun if you're ever free on a Saturday morning...They take place all over the Country & are free! You can register online & print out a bar code so that your time gets logged! You can run, jog, walk or a combination of all three & are great community events!

Keep winning, keep smiling - ODAAT

Day 52.

I've made it past 50 days which was my first great milestone (next stage 100!) and as if they knew, I had a betting site who had obviously missed me, credit my account with a free £5 bet, while texting me to let me know of this, they also said they would double any deposit i made up to £25. How kind of them!?

Anyway, I deleted the text, told my partner about it and hopefully she'll get onto them and get the account shut down, she apparently already had done but I think it might have been a self exclusion for a limited time. I'm very proud that I didn't gamble that free bet, because at the time, although i deleted it straight away, it did play on my mind for a bit, "is it still gambling if it's a free bet?" "i could just use the free bet, then shut my account down". It's not the fact that its a free bet, its the principle, I havent gambled it. So I'm very proud of myself.

Staying positive.