The hardest confession

Day 11 GF, emotions still quite raw following yesterday’s counselling assessment.

last night my wife read this entire diary, with my prior permission and it helped her out with a few things and gave her some ideas for how she can help, so many thanks to those that have provided her with the ideas.

she is still being supportive as ever, which means a lot to me, once you make the confession, the first thing you realise  is that you’re not alone!

feels odd to me that I am having to prioritise myself and my health before pretty much everything else at the moment.

hope you have all had a rewarding and GF day!

kram

Good morning diary

i find myself quite depressed this morning, I will get in touch with doctors later on today and make an appointment.

i am trying to put a finger on why I’ve got to this stage, which I think is making recovery harder for me at the moment, I suspect it is mostly a combination of small things and a feeling of life never quite being what my family would like it to be.

since the birth of my daughter 2 and a half years ago I have gained qualifications and more or less doubled my salary, yet to this point it is seemingly still not enough.

i have had dark thoughts and confessed such to my counsellor on Tuesday, we have made a deal and shook on it that I won’t do anything stupid.

the only positive in sight at this time is that I’m on day 12 of being gamble free.

other than that I feel permanently exhausted at the moment, and find myself in quite a reflective mood.

its horrible that when life gets to this point we always look for someone to blame, whilst I hold my hands up and admit I was foolish, I’m hoping that throughout counselling I can learn that there have been many other things that have pushed me to reach this point.

i have always thought of myself as an extremely strong character and one that can deal with anything, I guess we all have our breaking point?

kram 

Hi Kram,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling low. I am glad that you are planning to make an appointment to see your doctor. 

It is not uncommon to feel how you are feeling at the moment. I know that doesn't help do anything for your mood but I just wanted to say that you are doing the right things to help yourself in terms of seeking help. The most important thing to do if you are experiencing any thoughts of self harm is to tell someone and talk it through. You never need to be alone in dealing with this. 

Please take care of yourself x

Hello Kram

I am really sorry to hear that things are feeling really tough at the moment and you're having difficult thoughts. Please do continue to reach out for help and support, and these will likely ease.

However do also please give us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 to talk things through and make sure you're accessing all the help possible and also to discuss how you're feeling and get support, you can call when you need to 24 hours a day. In terms of getting support with specific feelings, we do suggest calling the Samaritans 116 123 again 24/7 and talking with them. 

I am really pleased to see that you are making a doctors appointment, however if you find the thoughts are getting worse and you are in any immediate danger then please do call 999, speak to someone or  get to A+E.

I have sent you a message separately.

Please take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best with your recovery.

Forum Admin 

My thanks to you both, I’m sure it will pass, just gotta hope I can get an appointment quickly rather than in 2/3 weeks time

I am also strongly encouraging my wife to call GamCare so that she can better understand and then help me with my battle, hopefully she will do so today?

Kram,

Just tell your practice that it is urgent. You should really get offered a same day appointment

Hi Kram,

Welcome to the world of recovery. The ups & downs it's all natural. The hash reality of what we've done & realisation of not just what it's cost us but the even heavier price our loved ones have paid for our addiction. Some might call it stage 2, can you handle it ?.

Buy now pay later, sounds like a good deal but is it ?. All i can tell you is the longer you put off facing up to the damage compulsive gambling does the higher the cost. Did anyone tell you recovery is easy ?. It's a long term deal and the only alternative is we go back to dancing with the devil. I hope your GP can help you with a short term solution, but when the going gets tough, the tough get going. 

I'm thrilled you've done so well so far but there'll be many days like this. SAYING JUST FOR TODAY, sounds easy but you'll hit many pot holes on the journey. Gambling is a drug & it's inevitable we'll feel withdrawal symptoms on the way. It's hard but so worthwhile if one can recognise addiction for what it is & understand it never stops trying to tempt us back.

Stick With It 

AL

Thanks for the above post AL.

today is a good day,my spirits are high and hopefully nothing will alter that?

i remembered the other day that when I last went through a period of real strife and trouble in my life a particular band really helped me out and played a part in getting me back on track.

i have now downloaded the Eagles greatest hits and will use it as and when I need it, just something about their music that makes me feel at ease.

day 13 GF and all is well in my life today, I have my dearest friend coming round for dinner tonight, which I’m really looking forward to!

stay safe everyone 

Keep going mate. We're all with you.  We've all been there.

Remember it gets better. 

Evening kram,

Congratulations on 2 weeks gamble free xx

Good morning

many thanks to @bdog and @murlo for your kind words above.

I found out last night that I cannot install Gamban on my Xbox, this is a tad annoying but can be solved by signing up with gamstop also.

having a nice family day today as we are going to play crazy golf, followed by a nice dinner, bliss!

hope you all have a nice Sunday!

kram 

Good morning diary.

today, like yesterday is a really good day, I am filled with positivity and good thoughts! I know there’s a long way to go on this rollercoaster but I am embracing the good days whilst they’re here!

i have made a decision to try and stop smoking after this Sunday, I have been vaping on and off for the last 2 years so hopefully it will be ok?
This all forms part of my all or nothing attitude, maybe it is a good thing? I don’t really know? What I do know is now everything I do and every change I make is for positive reasons rather than selfish ones!

i appreciate this could all change in an instant because of what I am, but with my support network around me I believe I can push onto better things!

hope you all have a great day!

Kram

Morning Kram,

It is lovely to hear you sounding so positive. The other thing that I have done for things like games consoles and smart TV is to get my hubby to set up parental controls. It stops me being able to access gambling sites. 

re the stopping smoking, great that you are thinking about it but don't put too much pressure on yourself. Everything will come together in time. 

Have a lovely day ?

Hi diary,

still rolling on with a good week so far, gradually understanding more about myself and those closest to me, and how best to maximise who I am.

nothing much else to report