The hardest confession

?Well done you.. Enjoy your you day ? Boo 

Well I made it.

Day 70 GF completed, today is the start of day 71.

Last night I went out and celebrated this milestone, got a bit drunk.

At one point in the evening I was at the same pub where I was those 70 odd days ago, when I last gambled, it was quite a challenging yet poignant moment to be honest.

I was grateful for the blocks that I have put in place, as I suspect, because my inhibitions were lowered that I would have committed the deadly sin and gambled.

However all I did was walk straight past the casino, around the corner, and got a taxi home.

It was an achievement on one hand but a lesson to be learned on the other, I’m still not quite there yet, and am right to consider myself an addict in recovery for the rest of my life.

Mark

Posted by: Mark Powell

As of midnight tonight I will be 70 days GF, 10 while flipping weeks!!!

As reward to myself I am making today all about me, and my achievement!

thanks to all on the gamcare community for your continued support

 

Mark

You are my Viking! Stay strong buddy. x

Posted by: DramaLlama

Posted by: Mark Powell

As of midnight tonight I will be 70 days GF, 10 while flipping weeks!!!

As reward to myself I am making today all about me, and my achievement!

thanks to all on the gamcare community for your continued support

 

Mark

You are my Viking! Stay strong buddy. x

Drama, I’m so sorry, I’ve only just seen this! Thanks for your kind words!

Mark

Piece by piece

i had my 4th session of counselling yesterday, and I am so glad that I chose to go through with it! There is something really nice about having a soundboard that does not judge or offer views or opinions, but just listens.

Piece by piece  I am putting myself back together, although I suspect I will never be fully recovered.

During my session I realised that I made a mistake when I went out on Saturday night, I had my cards with me!!! Any time precious I have taken cash with me and left my cards at home! Grateful for my blocks that prevented me doing anything stupid!

Love to all the gamcare community!

Mark

X

Hey Mark! 

Great to hear how fab you are doing. I don’t have counselling but have experienced something similar in my professional life and you are right about having a sounding board... sometimes just saying it out loud to someone... helps to process I think. 

Glad all worked out well on Saturday too... I suppose that’s why you have multiple blocks ehh, just in case! 

Hope to catch up with you soon ?

TOHOT x 

My week in words

Monday

This was the worst day in my HGV career, I was involved in an incident that led to me pushing a car sideways down the motorway at 50 mph, all involved are ok, and no serious injuries sustained.

Wednesday

I was told that my counsellor had gone into self isolation and could only offer me a telephone appointment, having given it some thought I politely declined the offer and told her to focus on getting herself well before she worries about me again.

Friday

I felt today as if I regained some respect among my peers, particularly on our what’s app group. We, like most people are regularly discussing coronavirus and the situation we find ourselves in, following a debate about importance in regards to other diseases etc I wrote the below message.

Regardless of our opinions and right to agree or disagree.

I wish all of you and your respective families health and wellbeing throughout this pandemic, none of us know how it will pan out, but we need to be wise, thoughtful and supportive of each other through what will be a challenging time.

I hope none of you have to experience job loss or financial worries, and that we can all have a good P**s up once this is all over with.

If I am able to help, then I will.

Stay safe everyone

This was greeted with many a kind word, and made me feel very good about myself.

My wife works in a pub which tonight will be shut down, I’ve reassured her and told her that I’ve got both hers and my little girls back during this pandemic.

I feel safe

I feel powerful

I feel respected

Mark

X

Afternoon all

10 day since I last posted, apologies to all for not being as involved as before.

All is well in our household and everyone is healthy, which in this current climate is all we can ask for.

i am still GF, and I did have some worries that I would crack once lockdown came, but day 100 is firmly in sight now!

i hope all of my gamcare friends are as well as you can be.

I have taken to writing a lockdown diary on my Facebook page, this has helped me much in the same way writing in my diary on here does, and I have chosen to use it as something to give to my daughter when she inevitably learns about all this in the years to come.

I have recently purchased an electric drum kit to keep me occupied during lockdown, it is something I have always wanted to learn, and I’ve now been presented with the perfect opportunity to do so.

Stay safe one and all, hopefully catch some of you in chat soon.

Mark 

Good morning to all who may read this. I hope life is being kind to you right now and if not, to give you hope that if you keep trying to do the right thing, you WILL reap your rewards!

it’s been a very long time since I last posted on here, but I’m very pleased and proud to say that I am still GF.

My life since becoming GF hasn’t  been short of problems though, thankfully and only in hindsight did I choose just the right time to give up, without doing that I would NEVER have had the strength to deal with what was to come.

So the last time I did post on here was last year when Coronavirus was only just starting to rear it’s ugly head to the world.

Despite embracing the extra time with my family that was gifted to me during the first lockdown it was ultimately pointless, as on the 8th May, shortly after the first lockdown measures eased, my wife told me that she had had enough and was leaving me.

I did what I could to salvage my marriage.

I looked her in the eye and asked her if there was anything I could do to change her mind? She said no.

I looked her in the eye and asked her if she had discussed these feelings with any one of the 150 guests that were present and took vows with us on our wedding day? She said no.

I won’t lie, it hit me hard, and still to this day I have not received a definitive reason as to why she left me, I will throw in now that she has since entered into a relationship with a former friend of mine, so as I do, make of that what you will.

Unbeknownst to her at the time but perhaps that betrayal was the biggest boost my recovery needed? Because not only was I recovering from a gambling addiction, now I was recovering myself, and I’m very proud to say that right now I am the best person I have been for 20 years!

I have a confidence and arrogance about that had been missing, I’ve a kindness and can do attitude about me that has always been there, yet had been suppressed for too many years.

I literally have the best of ALL worlds right now! Ok, so I don’t see my daughter as often as before, and in all honesty, had she not left me I would still be very contentedly married.

it just wasn’t to be, and perhaps my confessing my gambling addiction pushed her away? At the moment I do not know for sure, perhaps one day I will do?

I guess in summing up this ridiculously long post what I’m trying to say is sometimes you have to allow your recovery to become whatever it’s gonna be, sometimes people aren’t destined to be by your side forever, sometimes certain life events are too much for other people?

Gambling addiction is something that requires professional help to overcome, take all the help you can get, I was so grateful to have my counsellor by my side when my wife left me.

The time I have with my daughter now is of the highest quality ever, and when my wife was here, it would have taken 2/3 weeks to accumulate the amount of quality time I now get EVERY weekend.

When the time comes that my daughter may want to ask me questions I can look her in the eye, answer her honestly and have a clear conscience, that is more important to me than anything!

In a year when the world crumbled around me, I consider myself one of the few to have left 2020 stronger than I entered it, and I’m proud of that.

Whatever you may be experiencing right now, keep striving to do the right thing, it genuinely does come back to you, you’ve just gotta be patient with it.

As always my thanks to everyone associated with gamcare and virtual friends I acquired along the way, without you I don’t know where I’d be now? And although we may never meet, I’ll always be eternally grateful.

Confessing and entering recovery from addiction is never the end, it’s just the beginning!!

Wishing all whom are starting their recovery journey now all the positivity in the world!

Believe in the process, most importantly believe in yourself!

Often the things we don’t think we are capable of doing we are right on the cusp of starting, or even in the middle of doing!!

Take care one and all.

Kram

x

Dear @mark-powell,

thank you so much for this inspirational update. I am really sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage, but it sounds like you have found the silver lining and it also sounds like ultimately it was for the best, even for you.

From your post it sounds like you have found a new appreciation for yourself and that is the most important asset going forward. If you like yourself you can be kind to yourself and you want good things for yourself so you will make decisions that are to your benefit. Sounds like a small thing, but I appreciate how hard you have worked to get to this stage. 

Please keep us posted and please keep enjoying your journey and be kind to yourself.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

How nice to see your name here again but sad but powerful reading. 

I remember chatting often on chat and you always seemed to put every effort into your family life. 

Life is turbulent. Life is ziggy and zaggy to. 

Great to hear you are gf. 

I can't think what else to say other than stay safe and as someone who has been part of my journey it's been lovely to be able to write this to you.  Wishing you the best in life 

Boo ?