The Mountain

Hi Nat

Welcome to this forum. Hope you will find it as rewarding as I have. You are right, no matter how much debt any of us have, it is never too late to start making changes for the better.

Good luck and I look forward to following your progress.

Take care.

Feb.

Girlfriend moved back with parents today and I am feeling pretty low.

It is a good thing I have the blocker on my laptop as otherwise I could definitely see trying to gamble today. I can still access some sites on my phone but I do not have any cards now except our joint account card which I would never use anyway. There is probably some way I could do something through paypal but i'm not going there. The only other option would be to go to the bookies as of course I have some cash but I haven't actually been into a betting shop for a couple of years now, so I kind of have that stopping me as well.

Just feeling so crappy, keep going over in my head everything that has brought me to this place. Maybe i'm kidding myself by thinking that if i'd never started playing online blackjack and just stuck to sports bets then everything would be so different. 90% of my losses are from playing BJ but if I hadn't lost it there would it just have been on something else? I have just made life so hard for myself, the losses have really been eating at me again the last few days. I've even been thinking about losing sessions going back to 2011!

I know it's so pointless, the money is gone but it's just so painful to think about the battle ahead of me and all the things I will probably have to miss out on in the next few years to clear my debt.

I believe I won't gamble today though, I think i'll just buy myself a lotto lucky dip for tonight and watch the Arsenal game this afternoon, have a beer and just try and relax. If I can get through this weekend that will be 4 days clean and then I can try and build on that going into a new week...

We all have been in your place, it hurts so bad after coming to the realisation that all we have lost our self respect to gambling.

Your losses will not come back unless you are willing to hurt yourself further and I would recommend that you focus your mind elsewhere, anything other than the urge to gamble.

It has been less than a month since my last (and final) depth of despair moment and already i'm feeling much more confident about the future.

Your girlfriend, if she loves you, will give you time to contemplate what you have done by moving out. Turn your life around and it can be so simple, just don't gamble.

Three weeks from now, you will feel much better as long as you abstain. Work out the best way for you to stop gambling and do it!!!

Your life will instantly get better from there

I am scared of gambling because people have lost much more than us but we have the chance to change, if we choose to...

Keep posting, it really helps

Day 4.

I'm around at my Mum's for sunday dinner, just found out my stepdad won £173 with 4 numbers on the lotto last night. Once again I got nowt, but of course i'm sitting around praying for it so I can clear my £50k gambling debt! Well done to him though, he is over the moon. He has always enjoyed a little flutter on the horses as well, but he is one of that rare breed, a controlled gambler. In all the time i've known him (20+ years) he's never lost more than £10 on a saturday.

So i'm just sitting watching the Football with my brother now (Everton v Spurs) I would almost definitely have had money on this game normally, at least as part of a treble or silly accumulator or something. I guess now though I can sit here stress free for once and try engage in a bit normal conversation.

well done nat for your determination. u have started at the same time as i did. 31/10. i aim to get to xmas free from thissh1t.. hope u can do it too.

Best of luck to you.

I started this journey on 20 September and 6 weeks on feel a lot better having abstained for that long.

First few weeks will be the toughest, but stick with it my friend and good luck

Thanks for the support and to all the people who have posted on my diary so far: Heaven, Feb, Cactus and New Dawn.

Day 6 of not gambling for me today. Although I am happy to have abstained, the losses and debt are weighing heavy on my mind each day. My longest period clean in recent history is 25 days so i'm just aiming to get to that again and then evaluate the situation.

I had my 2nd GC counselling session yesterday, if i'm to be honest I haven't really felt any benefit as yet but I know that i need to give it time. If nothing else I think the structure of going once a week is positive and i'm well aware of how lucky I am to be receiving any help at all.

I am still with you nat. Six days on now. I like you constantly think back to the losses and the debt I find myself in.

The more i look back the more stupid I definitely feel. I can't do anything more about this but just address that I am a CG. And my motto is. I cannot win because I cannot stop. I would like to say I can stop and control it but I always think just one more.

So my suggestion is to forget what's gone and concentrate on the future because I am. There is lots to look forward to that doesn't involve sports bets or the turn of a card. Or in my instance a fobt. Onwards and upwards. A.n.d

It's probably the hardest thing to get over in the early stages, the financial losses.

This is the stuff that will repeat in your mind over and over til it sends you crazy if you let it.

Your debt is steep but by applying yourself right long-term, this is achievable to wipe clear. Put a plan in place and stick to it.

What's the alternative? Go back to that place which will only do more harm, not because your an unintelligent person but because it's in our make up not to win. Win can't win because we always go back.

Quick one, I went th GA only once and they said that I would gamble again. The way I felt that night, in my mind I'd never gamble ever again. Swore to my family I would never gamble ever again but I did, it's not that we have to gamble, it's just that when we do we don't know when to stop.

Head up, live right, don't gamble. Keep posting

Today is a little landmark for us New Dawn...1 week! Keep it up pal, let's just bounce off of each other to keep going.

Thanks Heaven, I know everything you say is true, I just wonder how long it will take me to accept the losses, right now I feel I may never let them go in the true sense. I know that going back to the tables is not the answer though and I don't think i've got the stomach for it anymore anyway!

7days

1 week

144hrs

Nat. I know it's only one week but. It's one week not wasting our life away. Gotta say the losses are still roar. The debt is concerning but I am really determined within a few months I will be on top of it.

I am two weeks from payday which is massive trigger so I need to be on guard here.

Do you have any triggers.

Keep strong.

A.n.d

Day 10

The start of my second weekend without gambling and to be honest i'm clucking a bit!

I'm in work today and pretty bored, the computers in here don't have the K9 software on here so it is just lucky that all my cards are unlinked from accounts and I have handed over all my cards/finances to other people. Actually I could go looking for a Bookies in the rain or I could in theory ask my colleague to place a bet online and me give him the cash. I don't think I could show myself up like that though?! There would be too many questions to answer and there are a few people at work who are already partly aware of my struggle.

It is strange because the last 9 days have been pretty straight forward and although my mood has been low at times it hasn't been all that hard to not bet. I wouldn't say I have the conventional problem urges anyway. My problem is usually me losing my head at blackjack table when things are going bad, or bingeing (sports and BJ) when I'm on a good run until good eventually turns bad. It might sound ridiculous to say I don't usually get urges, but I feel what usually takes me back to any kind of gambling is more the depression that takes hold of me due to previous losses. It wasn't like that at the beginning of course, early in my gambling career it was due to boredom and to get a bit of a thrill. I also naively thought I could make easy money back then!

So anyway I'm thinking the urges are probably coming through now because I'm massively limiting myself for the first time in ages and my monster knows it is being slowly starved to death (hopefully). Yes today I really do fancy a £30 footie double (Liverpool and Chelsea both -1 handicap) but I know the risk heavily outweighs the reward. Anyway what will the £53 profit really do for me even if it does come in? I'm in nearly £50k debt! At least I will now be able to casually check the football results later this afternoon and looking forward to MOTD tonight. The other option is to be preoccupied for the rest of the afternoon with complete nonsense and my mood dropping down another level when my prediction doesn't come in, then be back to day 1 again... No thanks Mr Bookie!

Thanks for your post Julie. Yes I agree, for too long I thought what's another £50,£100,£500 etc, but of course it all adds up to something ridiculous in the end! You have to stop sometime; there is only so long you can go without enjoying life, only so much you can pull your belt in to compensate for losses, only so many years to pay things off... I'm aiming for 5 years now, that's doesn't allow for any more screw ups and paying nearly half my wage toward debt every month.

Glad that result didn't come in today anyway, I really feel like i'm the winner now without even risking any money or breaking my 10 days clean : )

Day 14

2 weeks down today, another small landmark! I've been feeling quite strong the past few days and am just trying not to think about money/debt too much at the moment. Also my girlfriend has just come back home to our flat after 2 weeks spent at her parent's (because of my behaviour) so i'm just trying to enjoy that and appreciate our time together again.

nat