Today I am making a promise to my wife, my son, my family and all my friends that I will never gamble again.
I have had to reset my counter to Day 0 after giving in to an urge that has been fostering for a week. I placed a large bet on Robertson to win the snooker and Liverpool to beat Newcastle. I had some cash that was given to me. I had some time as I needed to walk the dog this morning. I had the urge to go to the bookies and I did it. After placing the bet I left worried and sick even before the events had started.
I watched parts of the snooker this morning but know Robertson will win. I watched the first half of the football and knew this was going to be bad. I went out and walked the dog during the second half and listened to it on my phone. I could see it all coming. But even if the bet had won would I have stopped... highly unlikely. I know this but I still put myself and my family through this c**P. I've toally had enough. I've had enough before but this time I just can't believe how I am jeopardising everyone I care for by being so stupid.
On the ay home I picked up a 10 deck of cigs and some cans. I went outside and had a cig... first one in ages. Had a beer... first one in ages. I placed the losing slip and some other coupons I had picked up in the bookies into a broken mug and I burnt them. I watched it burn as I smoked that cig in the knowledge that my gambling career has burnt away.
I will make this Christmas the best I have ever had. I had already bought lights for the house and put them up during the pause in the weather. Even my neighbours commented on how great and festive they look. I didn't care at that point as I was returning from listening to Newcastle win 2-0.
2016 will be my year. I will be on here every day. Thinking about my own recovery. Helping others as best I can (although I am the worst relapsing gambler on here).
Pray for change.
Keep the faith.
Cheers change, gambling ain't going to solve anything, we're serial losers but changing habits of a lifetime, well that's a different matter. Good luck mate.
Yeah it's tough. Just let so many people down repeatedly. I started to feel more positive an hour or so ago then bad to feeling bad again now. I dunno what to do. I know I ain't going to gamble in the short term and need to make it a longer term stance.
I am struggling to go from short term to long term myself. I was so focused early on and I didnt think about having a bet. Now, I cannot stop thinking about a little harmless bet. Sometimes I think its getting easier then all of a sudden Im hovering around gambling establishments. Try and remember how you feel early on in the process. Stay strong. You can do it.
Tough ain't the word mate, it's one step forward & three back trying to kick this but tomorrow we start with a clean slate & all we can do is try our best. We've given enough of our hard earned to those bookie f*****s.
Thanks degenerate. I think some of it is habit and it takes longer than I can last to break that habit. It's just a recurring nightmare for me. Got to put a stop to it. I will do it. Christmas 2015 will be great and 2016 will be my year.
Hi Change, you missed out the most important person in your promise, you. Concentrate on what you need to do to make this work and everyone else will benefit as a byproduct of it.
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Thanks Dan... I know we've had differences over the months but means a lot. I need to get through this so bad. I can't cope with it anymore.
Where you saw differences I saw a conversation. ​
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Thanks again Dan
So do you think the responsibility of your son coming home may have something to do with this?
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My son is a very complicated baby which brings a huge amount of stress that is not for discussion on this forum but I don't think him coming home has caused me to gamble today. It's a build up of stress and negativity that is always a theme in my life since I started gambling big over the past 4-5 years. I am a depressed person. I live with a permanent rain cloud over my head. If something bad is going to happen it will happen to me without doubt. The hell I've been through over the past 5 months just adds to that feeling. It makes me schadenfraude as so much bad stuff happens to me. I need to correct the negativity to succeed in this and thats a huge thing for me.
Ok taking pleasure in the misfortune of others is quite common in addicts. Makes us feel morally superior. I understand you don't want to discuss your son on here but you need to discuss it with someone
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When we believe we don't deserve anything good we begin to believe no one else does, and when we see that others are getting things out of our reach envy ensues
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Hiya Change , Sorry you had a relapse mate and apologies for the earlier post , obviously didn't realise what had occured !.
The important thing is your still here ! . Still fighting and still moving forward my friend and that's the important thing , your not giving up and one day you will beat this addiction of our's , If at first you dont succeed , you know the rest ?
Always here for a chat fella !
Take it easy and dont be too harsh with yourself eh!
Alan
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