With a very heavy heart I need to make an admission that I gambled today. I was in a different town I had some cash someone had given me. I was tired and lost the plot. I then went on a binge which is out of character went on my wife's iPad thinking double or quits on blackjack got 20 the dealer got 3, 10 and then the inevitable 8. I felt physically sick. I've had to take the dog out and just chain smoke. I thought about not posting on here after I gave Ryan a hard time in the early hours but I'm no different to him. I'm a shower of a human being. I'm beyond angry right now. I'm into a state of pure rage... not at the bookies or the casino or whatever... it's purely directly at my S****y self. After all the help everyone gave me this week I've just thrown it back in your faces. I really didn't want to come back on here but first thoughts were just to walk away and deal with this massive but I can't do it. There are going to be some massive changes happening now. Today is my anniversary of joining this site so 31 Jans are just bad bad days. I am out this afternoon with my family and I am going to think long and hard about how I can correct this. I'm going to go back to daily goals and positives and not get complacent. I'm going to focus on my own diary for the first few months and just use this as a place to let out my feelings. The very first time I quit was the best admit I had. My mindset was different and I was really resolved to quit and never wanted to see a set of odds again. I need to get back to that place. I apologies to you all again as it's not good enough. I know what I need to do but I just got to grow up and do it. Arghhhhhhhh I'm so so so so upset and angry and mostly about letting everyone in my life down.
Hi bud firstly well done on coming back it can't of been easy.
It's been coming every time I've seen you post in the last few weeks I've checked hoping this wasn't the one. Today a new diary I thought this won't be good news.
No lecture today you might have a new diary name but your still called Change and that is what you need to do
KTF I will
Thanks both for your comments and thanks for not giving up on me. I won't give up on this fight and I really need to do something a bit different as it isn't working. My aim is to start being normal again and I will expand on that when I get a chance later today. It's day 0 again and that's horrible for me to have to say. I'm ashamed.
There really is no need to apologise Change. As Dunc's says, recovery is a revolving door. Give yourself credit that you've stood right back up.
You've been through stuff the majority of us couldn't ever fathom with regards to your little one. So, draw the strength your sharing with your family and keep seeking change.
I know a relapse isn't part of recovery but neither is relapse a part of defeat..
Now, only a humble and my own experience, how's about going back to your old diary.
Recovery is not easy my friend, we are all only one bet away, no matter how many day, weeks, months years we have have been gamble free, As V says a relapse is definitely not defeat, you have had a tough time, you have picked yourself straight back up, carry on my friend, walking along side with you on this rollercoaster ride.
Recovery also means never give up on giving up, never my friend,
Sending you strong and determined thoughts.
Suzanne xxx
Really means a lot. I'll be back later and let you know my plan. You're all really good friends and people.
Hiya Buddy , just picked up on your post mate !.
Can't say I'm not upset mate but only for you , what youv'e been through this last few months dealing with all the added pressure youv'e had can't have been easy .
I'm going to sound a bit harsh now but please don't take it that way when I say that it's been coming again for a while , I still don't think youv'e got your head around leaving it behind ? , a few of your recent post's when youv'e said youve been checking odd's and references to the tennis and such all keep you in touch with your'e old days of the sports betting !.
I used to enjoy the horse or dog racing on sky but now I just don't watch it anymore , I don't want constant reminders of it and have focused all my attention on other things , basically anything execept racing it's gone and until such times as I can sit and enjoy it for what it is just entertainment , I don't want it in my life !.
I think you have make a decision to just leave that part of your life behind , if it's going to remind you of betting and and all the associations that come with it and also as maybe other things aren't working for you right now , it's time to just drop it once and for all ?, It's like someone trying to quit smoking and staring at a packet of f**s all day , so maybe just give it a go and see if it helps ?.
All credit to you fella , you came on and admitted what had happened so there's nothing wrong with your honesty thats for sure , so don't beat yourself up too much , its just a blip and if you learn more about yourself and your triggers then at least take a positive from that !.
As with everything in life , poo happens , so wipe it off and keep up the fight !
Always here buddy if you need to offload ?
Change, I'm also going to say something you may not like...Nothing changes if nothing changes & trying to do this your way with the best will in the world is not working! This site is not enough for you! You are dealing with all the stresses & strains of a very sick baby plus I can only assume from the specialist nature of the work you do, a high pressure job...Telling yourself you will focus on the positives has not worked before so please, do something different. Get some counselling, go to GA, see your GP...Addiction does not go away & it will never stop hurting you if you don't accept help.
Never mind your family, you deserve more!
Thanks for all your contributions I realised something early today and it has struck a cord. I lot of the posts also elude to this point. It could be an important moment in my recovery. I've recognised that I don't love myself. I don't care for myself at all. So maybe this is impacting on my decision making as gambling is just creating another reason to make me feel bad about myself. It could be nonsense or it could be a eureka moment. I'd like to expand on this with some life examples.
H i Change , My youv'e been through the mill a bit mate haven't you ! .
Your right in starting with all the small steps your thinking of implementing because there all going to add up to a massive change in your life , as we say here "Little steps " my friend .
Taking care of you , is fundemental in your recovery because if you don't love yourself then you really can''t love anyone and as the old saying goes " Healthy in body , healthy in mind " so it sounds like a great plan and by getting yourself in shape you'll have more energy and a lot more respect for you , not to mention more focus and willpower to beat your habit and walk your road to recovery !.
As always I wish you well and am here for support !
Take care my friend !
Alan
I wanted to post something that my dad used to play in his car and reminds me of him... it reminds me of my own son too. Simply Red - For Your Babies. Hopefully it'll mean something to others as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv4HOh9uwLc
You've got that look again
The one I hoped I had when I was a lad
Your face is just beaming
Your smile got me boasting, my pulse roller- coastering
Any way the four winds that blow
They're gonna send me sailing home to you
Or I'll fly with the force of a rainbow
The dream of gold will be waiting in your eyes
You know I'd do most anything you want
Hey I, I try to give you everything you need
I can see that it gets to you
I don't believe in many things
But in you I do
Her faith is amazing
The pain that she goes through contained in
The hope for you
Your whole world has changed
The years spent before seem more cloudy
Than blue
In many ways your baby's controlling
When you haven't laid down for days
For the poor no time to be thinking
They're too busy finding ways
You know I'd do most anything you want
Hey I, I try to give you everything you need
I'll see that it gets to you
I don't believe in many things
But in you I do
You know I'd do most anything you want
Every day I, try to give you everything you
Need
We'll always be there for you
I don't believe in many things
But in you I do
Also I'd like to extent an invite for a weekend in December 2016 for everyone who remains gamble free till that date. I'd very much like to meet you all and buy you all a drink. So the offer is there. I'll meet you at Manchester Piccadilly train station and we'll take it from there. This is a genuine offer and something that will spur me on. I want to thank you all so if you can manage 300 or so days with me I'll get the beers in.
Well day 1 is actually here now. I feel positive about what I need to do and how to achieve that. If I improve my self worth then gambling is going to go away. Whilst I feel down on myself it's going to remain. So here goes for a wild journey... no gambling, no cigs, no vaping and no non social boozing. I'm going to be climbing the walls but I'm looking forward to it. I've got my saving standing orders in place and if I keep them there then financially I'll be where I wanna be come 2017. I'm now excited about 2016. There's been too many blips in my recovery. It's been a shambles but I can correct everything. Join me on this journey coz it's going to be a good one. Keep the faith.
Unfortunate to slip but you are making the right choice coming back here. You have seen my troubles the last week I am back to normal today and feel back on the program. Recovery is the only place we compulsive gamblers feel sane.
My heart goes out to you Change, the journey toward recovery is incredibly tough, it's something only us recoverng problem gamblers are able to comprehend, but you are in the right place, you are doing the right things, you've been very quick to admit your relapse and that's fantastic. I've read your post on your forum relating to how, since becoming a problem gambler, your self-respect and love for yourself (so to speak), has started to decline. This really struck a chord with me, and the position I find myself in nowadays, in comparison to before the comulsive gambling commenced. My sense of motivation and self pride has taken such a dramatic decline, I don't recall the last time I bought any new clothes or did anything even considered to be of benefit to my own health. Compulsive gambling, whether we see it or not, really does have the ability to turn us into reclusive and somewhat lazy individuals. As difficult as it is to admit, I completely agree with your points about disrespect and lack of self-pride. This is even more reason to never go back to these nasty ways. If only there was a video or something that popped up as soon as we considered going back into relapses, showing us the life we are about to re-enter, and the lengthy days of recovery we are about to leave behind. But it's no use getting ourselves down about it. We have to use relapses as part of a learning curve, and your post has really inspired me and given me many more reasons to persevere with this recovery, even 2 days in.
I'm more than happy to join you on your December 2016 abstainers get-together.
Stay strong Change, I really wish you every ounce of success with this most recent recovery.
-Ryan
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